There was a deer running down in the valley so my husband snorted like a buck. She stopped. Looked around. So he did it again. She got all excited. Yes my husband was romancing a deer. I think all the smoke in the air is confusing him.
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Me: I swear you’ll be the death of me
Murderer: lol
I was walking down the street where the houses were numbered, 64k, 128k, 256k, 512k, and 1MB.
That was a trip down memory lane
How did girls text before emojis?
Hey I can’t wait to see you tonight! PARTY HAT MARTINI GLASS NOISEMAKER BEER MUG CAT DOG SUNGLASSES POOP
Researcher: By 2030, life expectancy is predicted to increase globally by 6 years.
Southerner: [pouring mac and cheese into deep fryer] No.
Turns out “pick the biggest one & punch him in the face” gets you more respect as a new prisoner than as a new 1st grade substitute teacher.
ignore the news reports that say bees have learned how to use the internet. they are lies. bees sting us because they love us. bees are safe inside our warm homes. a bee did not write this
i was skeptical about people paying money for my tweets but i just did the math and i could quite possibly make $5.98 a month.
In lieu of exercise, accidentally send your text to the wrong person to get your heart rate up
Whoever said you cannot live off of wine and cheese alone did not try hard enough.
Every time I talk about milk, I clarify “not breastmilk.” It’s unnecessary and it makes people uncomfortable.
My 10 yr old was hugging the cat, & whispering to him “I love you so much that you’re the 2nd most loved thing in my life.” Aww, I thought, she’s still mama’s little girl. Then she finished her whisper with “But spaghetti is my favorite thing.”
Aww, you “only wish the best for your exes?” That’s cool, I lie about things too.
It’s so annoying when you’re trying to poison someone but they’re just not thirsty 🙁
Me – “did Benjamin Button’s pubes fall out or grow back inside his body?”
Doctor – “no I meant what seems to be the problem with you”
My biggest fears are:
-running out of chocolate
-running out of coffee
-running out of toilet paper
-running
*thousands of puppies flooding onto the battlefield*
General: “STAY STRONG, MEN!”
*soldiers just petting puppies everywhere*
MOM: I don’t care how old you are, you’ll always be my baby
ME [being passed around by her friends to hold] ok but this is weird, I need to get to work
{Reaching adulthood}
ME: Oh, good, turns out no one knows what they’re doing.{2 minutes later}
ME: Oh, wait, seriously?? NO ONE KNOWS WHAT THEY’RE DOING??
i hope i didn’t end up marrying the smelly kid in school like my husband did
Receptionist: “The doctor will see you now.”
Invisible Man: “Finally, a cure!”
[neighborhood meeting]
Me: This is an outrage!
Neighbor: Exactly! The city’s plan to–
Me: Nothing but powdered creamer for the coffee? I’m out of here.
They don’t put calorie counts or serving suggestions on boxed wine. They know you’ve got enough problems already.
I just now realized the guy at the urinal that complemented my watch might not have actually just been looking at my watch.
Me: [arguing with Tom Cruise] OMG JUST PICK A POSSIBLE MISSION
[girl chatting up guy at bar]
girl: so what do you do?
magician: i halve a girlfriend
Going forward I’m only saying I love you to cheeseburgers.
One of the perks of using a wheelchair is that I can spin around when someone comes in the room and say “I’ve been expecting you.”
Whenever the wife asks what I’m eating. I chew faster like a dog and refuse to open my mouth
[steps off crosstrainer]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”