There was a deer running down in the valley so my husband snorted like a buck. She stopped. Looked around. So he did it again. She got all excited. Yes my husband was romancing a deer. I think all the smoke in the air is confusing him.
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Interviewer: Describe your current position.
Me [from my wheelchair]: Seated.
Every viral tweet now has like 9 followups from the author like:
My husband got me flowers!
I wanted to clarify my husband and I do equal housework
I did not know tulip farms were so bad for the environment, sorry
I apologize that this was insensitive to people with allergies
2017 Resolution: spend more quality time with my son
*son begins describing his 500 new Pokémon cards*
Well, there’s always next year
ME: how about a horn solo
DRIVING INSTRUCTOR: that’s not how this works
Elmo: Oscar, why are you a grouch?
Oscar: Growing up, my parents were-
*stabs Elmo with broken beer bottle*
CUZ I LIVE IN A TRASHCAN.
Job interviewer: In the beginning, you’ll be earning $20 000, later on that can increase to $40 000. Me: OK, I’ll come again later then.
House 4 Sale: older home w/ character & charm. Lovely bookshelves. Ignore Matthew McConaughey, we don’t know how he got trapped in the wall.
My husband said he wanted complete honestly in our relationship
So I said I wanted a divorce
Convince people you’re an international spy or drug dealer by snapping your phone in half after finishing a call
Ginny Weasley: so like what are we?
Harry Potter: [slowly reaches for invisibility cloak]
[ speed dating ]
Her: Tell me one interesting fact about you.
Me: Well, it was nice meeting you. Have a good evening.
Less concerned about the rotten apples than the really stupid ones.
Why can’t mirrors be nicer
Her: try curing your hangover with the hair of the dog
Him: the what?
Dog: YEAH SUSAN THE WHAT???
Our son came home one day with
a note from his first grade teacher:Your son bit another boy today.
Is he getting enough to eat at home ?
sleep paralysis demon: why are there so many cups in this room???
When someone reads your message, then never responds, it’s just hurtful.
I mean, what else could they possibly have going on at 3 AM?
He loved it so much he walked himself up.
Sorry I said “nice phone” when you showed me a photo of your baby.
I feel like I have something to prove here.
Judge: That’s sort of how this works.
Aquaman is part fish, if you want to kill him just overfeed him.
Bruce Willis reaches for his iPhone but accidentally grabs his iPad and screams because he thinks he’s shrunk
asking a gay couple who the man and woman are in their relationship is like asking a vegetarian which vegetable in their salad is the meat
Are you a can of biscuits? Because I’d like to bang you on the counter.
interviewer: please, sit down
me: thank you
interviewer: not on my lap
CULT LEADER: join our cult
ME: no thanks
CULT LEADER: we believe Air Bud was a documentary
ME: I’m listening
Brother: *calls* Can you pick me up at the airport tomorrow?
Me: Sure. Can’t wait to see you.
Him: I land at 5 AM.
Me: I have no brother.
[doctor looking at my xrays]
doctor: this is exactly what i was afraid of
me: what
doctor: skeletons
seems like a niche market
“Hey can you take our picture?”
ME: yea sure
*takes picture*
ME: wait sorry, The Flash was turned on
THE FLASH: *blushing in the background*