There was a deer running down in the valley so my husband snorted like a buck. She stopped. Looked around. So he did it again. She got all excited. Yes my husband was romancing a deer. I think all the smoke in the air is confusing him.
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*looking at a stalactite*
ME: Man, look at that stalagmite!
GUIDE: —tite
ME: Right? Dope as hell.
Sorry I yelled “chug it” to your baby, as you were breastfeeding.
He died doing what he loved,
sleeping with one leg outside of the sheets.
If a cop yells at you to GET DOWN just start twerking cause damn, dude, be more specific
If you’re driving a getaway car just remember the best way to lose the cops is to ship them via the post office
[6:00]
This edible is never going to hit.[6:20]
*stirring my Pepsi with a fork*
The interesting thing about stabbing somebody in the chest with a giant sharpened stick is it will kill them whether they’re a vampire or just a regular dude
Mobster: [tying a cinder block to my ankles] “You’re gonna be sleeping with the fishes…”
Me: “Umm, it’s ‘fish’.”
M: “This. This is why.”
when you can’t remember if your friend’s birthday is yesterday or today
When the boss says you have five minutes for lunch.
You get to sleep all day, cat, that’s why I get the good food.
Of course I want to connect with my high school boyfriend’s mom thank you LinkedIn.
Parents: when naming a boy, consider using a king’s name, like Mattress or Burger.
People laughed when I said I wanted to be a professional snooker player. They’re not laughing now because it was ages ago.
Sometimes I’ll see a tree so odd looking I’ll think, “if I drew that tree perfectly people would think I can’t draw a tree.”
Dorothy: We have to see the wonderful Wizard of Oz
Toto: OK but I wouldn’t make a song and dance about it
Dorothy: [inhaling]
Toto: FFS
Reverse psychology – only it’s me swapping chairs when my therapist went to the bathroom.
Me with a pronounced limp: *walks awkwardly
Me with a mispronounced limp: “Blimp.”
BECOME UNGOVERNABLE
[ first date ]
Me. Do you take drugs?
Him. I never touch them.
Me. Perfect. Can I have a urine sample?
Me: I look like shit today.
Shit: you wish buddy.
dad: what should we name him
mom: something beautiful
dad: something unique
mom: any ideas
dad: matt
mom: ok
You know you’ve really messed up when your teen stops you mid sentence with “Dude. No” then follows it up with “Duuuuuude. Stop”
Non-stick pan manufacturers: Do not scrub the pan roughly
Also non-stick pan manufacturers: *will stick their label right in the middle of the pan with glue that never comes off easy*
Being cute just died. Men are going to want a woman that can catch a chicken now.
[BOOK CLUB]
ME: So last weeks assignment was Fight Club by Chuck Palahniuk. What did everyone think?
STEVE:
PAUL:
JANE:
SARAH:
MARK:
DAVE:
With Girls Gone Wild bankrupt wild girls no longer have a home. Many of them will be put down. Please. Adopt a wild girl. Before she’s gone.
Give a man a fish and he can eat for a day. Teach a 4 year old how to turn on the TV and you can sleep for an extra hour.
I’m 45 and still don’t know what to do when live music is playing.