there was a fight tonight in ~hot sculpted yoga tonight bc one girl took another girl’s mat and it ended w the first girl *flicking the other girl’s forehead* after the teacher saying “don’t do it..don’t do it…DON’T DO IT’ and when she did it the whole class collectively gasped
I just told my son we have all the ingredients that he needs to make toast, in case you were wondering how much vodka I drank last night.
I’m going to write a comic book about a superhero whose superpowers include super speed, teleportation, and surprising unsuspecting citizens with mimosa stations.
Imagine if we didn’t have Google and still relied on encyclopedias to find out “Why poop green?”
“Dollars to donuts” is my most frequent currency conversion.
After taking a bunch of 7-year-olds on a field trip to the Natural History Museum, I realized their favorite exhibit was “Elevator Buttons.”
I smelled alcohol and got all excited then realized it was only hand sanitizer.
Loan Officer: Denied
Me: maybe this will change your mind
*climbs on his desk & performs a perfect rendition of Take a Chance on Me, bank patrons are clapping & singing along*
Me: *catching my breath* well??
Loan Officer: ABBAsolutely not
When my wife sends me to the kitchen to see if there are any cookies left and I report back that unfortunately, there are not.
I’m constantly amazed that only 26 letters in the alphabet can produce so much bullshit.
Today on a tram, I told the driver that I loved Puerto Rico and he told me he shot two people who were breaking into his house there after hurricane Maria and left the island to evade charges and why does this stuff happen to me
“Yeah, I was hoping you could help us. We’re trying to find a motel that takes cash and doesn’t ask a lot of questions.”
The Godfather: keep your friends close, but your enemies closer
Mrs The Godfather: WHAT
My man let the intrusive thoughts win 😅
A cashier was giving me my change and said “have a good…” then looked at my face and said “…sleep.” This seriously just happened
It’s so cute when my kids grew up and moved out
I had to ban two of my kids from being in the same room together.
Somehow, they still caused problems, so I sent them to different floors of the house.
Then I made one go outside and one stay inside.
For the next step, I’ll have to banish them both to different states.
It’s not fair how teenagers today can avoid social interaction with family by staring at their phones
I had to show my contempt by grunting
Wife: Where did all this glitter come from?
Me: Jake, at State Farm.
VENTRILOQUIST: {getting waterboarded}
PUPPET: Stop you’re killing him!
CIA AGENT: Get me more water!
Newborn babies implies there are oldborn babies and honestly that’s terrifying
Bear boss: I need to see you two in my office right away.
*I see my coworker is nervous*
Me: Relax, how bad can it be.
Salmon: Shut. Up.
Apparently my hub is a 92 yr old trapped in a younger body. He just referred to you guys as my Pinstagram friends.
when serial killers go for a run do they take the psycho path
One time I saw a biker’s funeral procession and realized even dead people are cooler than me.
me: [listening to The Twelve Days of Christmas] “no person wants this many birds”
‘Dances with Wolves’…
But it’s just me, running around my backyard with an uncooked steak, screaming, while the neighborhood dogs bark.
Me: Did you use my highlighter?
2-year-old:
Me:
2:
Me:
2: No.
Apparently she’s always been neon yellow.
on my last dying breath saying “please… tell her I love her…” and then handing a stranger a heart locket and when they open the necklace it’s a selfie of me
Stay humble, you are someone’s weird coworker.
