there was a fight tonight in ~hot sculpted yoga tonight bc one girl took another girl’s mat and it ended w the first girl *flicking the other girl’s forehead* after the teacher saying “don’t do it..don’t do it…DON’T DO IT’ and when she did it the whole class collectively gasped
I’ve started taking a brisk walk straight after dinner and it’s saving me an absolute fortune on restaurant bills.
That awkward moment when a zombie is looking for brains and he walks right past you…
The year is 1997. Your Tamagotchi is thriving. You just set a new personal best with your Bop It. Your mom packed Dunkaroos in your lunch. Everyone at school wants to be your friend. Life is good.
The year is 2020. You just found out Dunkaroos are coming back. Life is good.
Neighbor: can you watch my dog?
Me: like through your window?
N: no, I meant like-
Me: cause I don’t do that now
N: watc-
Me: okay once
“GENTLEMEN, WE ARE AT WAR WITH TROY AND MUST NOT DROP OUR GUARD AT ALL”
“Sir, the enemy gave us a giant wooden horse”
“Oh rad bring it in”
Rejected Olympic Events:
Javelin Catch
Jello Shotput
Border Fencing
Cardboard Boxing
Menstrual Cycling
Salad Tossing
Wrestling Demons
Then she had the nerve to tell me I had control issues!
I’ll do this part. *takes scalpel from my surgeon*
Surgeon: You should be asleep.
Me, at the intervention: “Ah look, all the reasons I drink gathered in one place.”
Me: “I’ve been really under the weather lately.”
Doctor: “When did your symptoms start?”
Me (checks watch): “1985.”
“I don’t think we should see each other anymore.”
*turns off lights*
*giggles*
[Google Search History]
1. Do raccoons like to cuddle?
2. What does rabies smell like?
3. I can’t feel my face.
Me: I would like this urn
Clerk: of course, sir. Who is it for?
Me: my wife
Clerk: oh, I’m so sorry
[later]
Wife: no I do not like my Christmas present
[at DMV]
Me: *pushing my way through line* birthday boys first
Guy in line: that’s not a thing!
Clerk: actually it’s on the secret menu
Guy: wha-
Me: oh and uh *winks 3 times*
Clerk: cup or cone
Me: cone pls 🙂
Clerk: *scooping ice cream* here you go sweetie
Wheel of Fortune contestants in Canada should get to buy more vowels.
Dress sloppy at work and people will think you don’t know what you’re doing. Dress too nice and people will think you know what you’re doing. So you see my dilemma.
IF SEAL IS BROKEN, PLEASE NOTIFY ZOOKEEPER IMMEDIATELY
Sure, I’ll load the dishwasher honey. What kind of ammunition does it use?
How to open a letter:
1. Carefully remove seal
2. Slide your finger unde–okay the seal is back GET THAT SEAL OUT OF THE ROOM NO SEALS ALLO
I love rap beefs, it’s so romantic when two guys sing songs to each other
I never go anywhere without a couple dozen shrimp in my pocket. They’re my ‘running around, doing whatever’ shrimp.
There are some “IDIOTS” in this world, That Always Reply “NO” to every question we ask them….
now tell me, Are you one of Them?
I don’t drink blood to stay young. I do it mainly for the lifestyle.
3yo and I were in a store & she pointed at a toy purse shouting ‘I want a pretty pursey!’ but her ‘r’s’ aren’t well pronounced so I never went back to that store again
Imagine the excruciating discomfort of having nothing to say to a child and choosing to compliment it on its gait. I myself don’t have to imagine.
I hate when people ask me if I’m all ready for Christmas. No Susan. I’m not even ready for today.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who demanded to use a fork to eat his soup and can’t eat his soup
As I told my 4 year old it was bed time she turned herself into a sloth and started walking really slow. So yes kids test your patience.
Me: “Bless me father, it’s been 13,505 days since my last confession.”
Priest: “You’re off to a bad start.”
I wonder where the inventor of the drawing board took their failed ideas back to.
[interview]
So what makes you qualified to be an x-ray technician?
Superman: Are you being serious right now?
