there was a fight tonight in ~hot sculpted yoga tonight bc one girl took another girl’s mat and it ended w the first girl *flicking the other girl’s forehead* after the teacher saying “don’t do it..don’t do it…DON’T DO IT’ and when she did it the whole class collectively gasped
Next on Fox News, men on women’s issues, white men on black issues, rich men discuss the poor and straight men talk about gays.
My girlfriend knows every single important date in our relationship history and I know she hates olives. She loves olives? Something olives.
It’s 2024 and we have Batman shampoo but STILL no Conditioner Gordon.
Fun fact: The confetti you’ll see in Times Square tonight was made from one CVS receipt.
I asked my son to look through the playroom for things to donate to goodwill, and he was so generous about it, within minutes, he came back with a whole bag filled with his sister’s toys.
*incoming text*
“hey bud can I crash at ur place”
Sure come on over
*sound of approaching airplane*
[Plastic surgeon’s office]
Duck: this is bullshit! *flies out window*
Secretary: what the hell was that?
Plastic Surgeon: He was upset about his bill
ME: (ordering for my date) What do you recommend for the lady?
HOT DOG VENDOR: Hot dogs.
My favorite self defense technique is to not let someone draw me into a fight.
*at my funeral*
Friend crying over my casket: look they’re burying her in her favorite dress
Me, still dead: it haaasss pockets
The problem with studying ancient Chinese art is I want some Mexican art a half an hour later.
Boss: ok just bear with me
*I growl and start clawing the air*
B: wtf are you doing
Me: I..You said..
B:first ‘snail mail’ now this..Just go
CASHIER: One ultrathin lubricated condom. That’ll be $3.25
DUCK: Can you put it on my bill?
CASHIER: That’s not where it goes, silly
wtf are you supposed to do when maintenance people come over your house? do I stand there and tell him he’s doing a good job?
fire doesn’t get enough credit for being inclusive. it’s always like “hey you wanna come be fire too?”
Batman trying to get some sleep during the day
He leans in, looks into my eyes, and lowers the lights. I go in for the kiss.
And now I’m being escorted out of the opticians.
According to HR, putting a middle finger emoji at the end of my auto-reply before going on vacation, is apparently not acceptable.
I bring my kids to a romantic restaurant on Valentine’s day as a birth control reminder to the other couples.
[morning]
her: did you dream about me?
me: that depends…are you a member of the Backstreet Boys?
her: umm no
me: then no
Pelican: OMG she is gorgeous
Water buffalo: Who?
P: That beautiful flamingo over there.
WB: Go talk to her.
P: She’s way out of my league, I don’t think I can.
WB: What do I always tell you Gary? You’re a Pelican…
WB/P: …not a Pelicant.
Me squiggling in heated car seat: now I know what meat in a crockpot feels like
Comment: London’s WorldPride? It’s really WorldShame
I texted my girlfriend “goodnight, love you” but accidentally sent it to my boss. Now Its awkward, cause he holds my hand during meetings.
The most useful lesson I learned from my cat is if somebody puts clothing on you, just freeze and flop over on your side.
Does anyone know a good locksmith? I spent the entire day cleaning the entire house and need to keep my family out.
Saw a guy with flames tattooed all over his face. I hope someday he finds a girl who has marshmallows tattooed all over hers.
her: what are you, like, six feet?
me: *muffled foot noises*
