there was a fight tonight in ~hot sculpted yoga tonight bc one girl took another girl’s mat and it ended w the first girl *flicking the other girl’s forehead* after the teacher saying “don’t do it..don’t do it…DON’T DO IT’ and when she did it the whole class collectively gasped
Me: Where are the kids?
Wife: Mom’s
Me: *getting excited* Really?! Are you thinking what I’m thinking?
W: Almost certainly not
If Kraft singles are so good then why are they still single?
[zoo]
GUIDE: i told you not to feed the monkeys
ME: it’s a cigar
Husband: Should we hit the gym today?
Me: *drawing pumpkin eyes with a Sharpie on my stomach* What?
When I worked at McDonald’s, if you ordered a 20 piece chicken nuggets you actually got 32. I hooked up everyone unless you were annoying
I believe that growing up watching Porky Pig cartoons have contributed to my lack of pants.
Before:
“I WANT THE BEST EDUCATION FOR MY CHILDREN”Homeschooling:
“You know, I think I’m ok with my kids being dumb”
Him: I bet you’re good in bed.
Me: Oh hell yeah I am. I sleep solid as a rock!
95% percent of forest fires are caused by someone walking in corduroy pants.
Mugger: give me everything you got
Spice Girls: Oh tell me what you want what you really really want
Mugger: ok nevermind
[first day as a bartender]
Customer: I’ll have a martini, dry
Me, staring at all the liquid ingredients: I don’t know how to tell you this
[in the world of chess]
kings: here’s a sword
bishop: what do i do with this? i can’t even run straight
If YouTube ever goes down nobody will ever figure out how to tie a tie again.
I’m glad nothing I own was made with my own two hands because I really like having hands.
Just sayin’ elbow macaroni’s gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between elbows and macaroni.
HIM: somebody should probably do the dishes
ME: *drinking wine out of a bowling trophy* agree to disagree
ME: [grinding pepper onto my food]
IRON MAN: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE
Of course I don’t have any skeletons in my closet
I know how to dissolve bones I’m not an amateur
Everyone on twitter: (already terrified all of the time)
Mashable: [promoted tweet] This cute new robot can shudder and squirm through the underside of a closed door and inject heart-stopping drugs from ten feet away! 😍
Things I’ve Learned From Horror Movies:
•Don’t have sex, you’ll die.
•Don’t leave the group, you’ll die.
•Don’t be black, you’ll die first.
Creating horror must be hard because there aren’t horror open mics to try out scary ideas. Where you go up like, “uhhh, what if it’s dark and you hear a baby cry, and you turn on a light and it’s actually a spider?” And your buddy’s like, “hey man, I thought it was pretty scary.”
Fun fact: At the end of Titanic, when all the people are dying in the water, if you listen very closely, you can hear a faint, “Marco” and then an even fainter, “Polo.”
[first date]
Her: I like my steak rare
Him: *trying to impress* I’ll order for both of us. 2 panda fillets please.
Daughter: Dad, can I have some Kit Kat for my snack tonight?
Me: Absolutely not
D: Why?
M: Because I said so
D: Because you ate them?
M: Yes
This is bullshit!
I asked for a “Happy Ending” at an Asian massage parlor, & now she’s dressed like Snow White, expecting me to marry her.
Maybe women decided to convince men that beards were sexy because they were sick of cleaning the washbasin after he shaved
[inventor of frisbee]
“I hate this plate”
I should run for public office just to see the scandalous dirt they dig up on me. I would really like to piece together my twenties.
still not “these beanie babies are going to be worth so much later on” rich and it hurts.
Love that every time I finish a snack I have to wave my hands around to prove to my dog it’s all gone like I’m cashing him out at a casino or something
