Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My apologies to your congregation. I totally misunderstood when you asked for missionary volunteers

For anyone who needs this today

*sets up 10 security questions for online account*

*clicks on “remember me”*

[first stakeout]
Cop: you seem disappointed
Me: *hiding my A1 sauce* no, it’s fine

[at my funeral]
Priest: he died doing what he loved
My friend Pete from the back: he liked it yeah but I wouldn’t say he loved making toast in the bath

*mom puts a gummy vitamin in my mouth while I yawn*

Mom, I’m 36. *chews it up, swallows* Adults are supposed to have 2 though.

Me: Can you get the things you want to take to Manchester?
8yo: *Goes to her room and returns with seven books*

the guy who named Newfoundland really didn’t try at all, did he?

Watching a documentary on a murder in a small town and there was probably a total of 7 teeth among all the people that were interviewed.

Crawling into a nice warm barrel of toxic waste and dissolving sounds so appealing…but is it worth the risk of developing super powers or some extra shit like that? So tired.

Whenever I leave a fancy restaurant I tell the people coming in “I recommend the squirrel”.

If you were a burger, I’d throw you in the trash.

Impervious: being an admitted pervert

paparazzi followed me 2 a shoot so I tried 2 think what I could do that would yield the most onion-ish possible headline and it worked haha

If you’d just let me explain, you’d be even angrier.

[times square new year’s eve 30 mins before midnight] we should leave now and beat the crowd

Do mens sneezes get louder and louder as they age until they explode?

I hate it when some random company refers to me as their “customer.”

I’m like, look we had one night of drunken shopping, we are NOT in a relationship

It’s all about how much devastation you can leave in your wake.

-kids

I got fired for telling customers if they wanted “smoking or non-smoking”.

Apparently the correct term in the funeral home business is “cremation or burial”.

They say if you choose a job you love, you’ll never work a day in your life.

I have to work tomorrow.

On Valentine’s evening I usually stay in and watch a romantic movie. You know, like American Psycho.

My 3yo just told me, wrathfully, “Well, if you won’t play with me then I’m gonna take a NAP on the COUCH!”

Ooooh. That’ll show me.

Friend: You can’t believe anything in the papers these days. It’s all fake news.
Me: Even obituaries???
Friend: No, those are rea–
Me: [Already halfway down the street] Great news everyone, grandma’s alive!

did you know the official veterinary term for your cat eating something it shouldn’t is “dietary indiscretion” which absolutely sounds like a cat politician trying to downplay its irresponsible past

[guy in charge of naming superheroes]
Superman, next
Batman, next
Wonder Woman, next
Aquaman, next
*takes a hit of acid*
Green Lantern

How do you like your Corgi?

DOCTOR: to prevent germs from spreading you should sneeze into your elbow

T-REX: oh great

When someone you don’t wanna see tries to make plans with you