@markydoodoo

There was a fire at the Yankee Candle store. 8 killed. 19 injured. 1200 soothed.

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@delusions_of

I’m like a Rubik’s Cube. Seems fun at first but eventually you’ll want to rip me apart.

@PleaseBeGneiss

Teacher: you failed your spelling test, all your words are missing a t

Dracula: *pulling out doctor’s note* oh you mean the little cross?

@JulieSnark

Show me your nuts.
Show me you’re nuts.

See how important the “you’re” “your” thing is?

@TurnpikeTony

I really don’t get Astrology but I just hope my daughter stays a Virgo until she’s at least 18.

@CynicalTherapi1

I like eating Nerds because I’m secretly hungry for aquarium gravel and this takes the edge off.

@AmishPornStar1

Health Tip: If you add a raisin to your 1-pound bag of M&M’s it becomes Trail Mix and you can eat the whole thing.

@noodlegrip

[cute girl slides me note]

Do you like me? Yes or No

[I slide note back]

Are you a robot? Circle all the traffic lights

@sofarrsogud

NARRATOR: When camping be wary of savage bears trying to take your food

*camera pans to a bear holding glass of wine with a wtf expression

@dksc4life

DOCTOR [hitting me with his car] This is for not eating that apple