Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I tried to cancel the sail I ordered for my new boat but Amazon said:

“We’re sorry, your sail has shipped.”

“So lucky our kids have siblings so they’ll always be there for each other,” I mutter as I break up another physical fight between my daughters because they both want to be Hermione Granger for Halloween.

In a parallel universe somewhere, all the Pumpkin Spice Lattes are getting really excited for White Girl season at Starbucks.

Shake what your momma gave ya!

*shakes old decorative wreath*

(pine needles and holly berries go everywhere)

Son: *carrying damaged produce*

Me: Drop that sick beet!

its raining men! hallelu..*thud* omg are you ok? *thud* oh sweet jesus! *thud* *thud* oh the horror! *thud* WHY GOD? WHYYYY??

The monster under my bed sleeps with one leg out from under the blankets too.

Another day, another round of men asking, “Why are women attracted to this mildly unconventional looking dude?” Honey, every woman you know has a crush on the cartoon fox version of Robin Hood, and this is what baffles you?

DATING TIP: show her your hula hoop skills. keep adding hula hoops. you’re now a slinky. everybody loves a slinky.

me: it’s weird there are so many stoners in high school now. the whole time I was in high school, I never even saw a beer, and no one did drugs

my children:

me:

my children: mom, we don’t know how to tell you this, but they did, you were just a nerd and they didn’t tell you

You’d think since I
– ordered the pizza
– went to get it
– waited for it
– brought it home
– let my kids split the last piece
– let my kids have all the dessert

They would throw the box away while I walked the dog.

You’d think wrong.

My 8-year-old has a stuffed animal that smells good if you put it in the microwave and I feel like that’s teaching kids the wrong lesson

the subway employee asks me what kind of cheese i would like on my sandwich, so i lean in, look them directly in the eyes & whisper, “haunted.”

I hate snakes because they have no feet. You could say I’m…

lacktoes intolerant

*opens another beer*

i can’t believe i just spent my time editing this video

music journalism is simply finding a thousand ways of saying ‘good and also catchy’

what’s this 9 year gap in your resume?
Me: oh that? someone bought me a Rubik’s cube

if real babies started to emerge from cabbage patches I don’t believe we’d be so eager to adopt them

cause that’s creepy AF

I remember when “Something’s eating up data.” meant that guy from Star Trek was deeply troubled.

Waiter: Here is your salmon.
Me: I didn’t order this
Waiter: it’s from the gentleman at the bar
*I look over at the bar and a grizzly bear winks and lifts his glass*

I was lifeguarding and a little boy threw his ball out of the water and his mom goes “maybe if you ask the pretty lifeguard she will grab the ball for you!” This kid looked me dead in the eye and goes “…..where’s the pretty one?” KIDS ARE RUTHLESS LMAO

I’m so incapable of accepting a compliment that I’ve started just flat out refusing them.

Them: You look lovely today.
Me: No thank you.

Some of you wonder how I’m still married, pfft you should wonder how I got married in the first place.

Qui-gon: You will give me the parts

Watto: I’m immune to mind tricks

Qui: Are you immune to lightsabers?

Watto: I will give you the parts

Own pets. That way no one will ever know who made that terrible smell

The bouncer was kicking me out & I put up my finger for him 2 wait,while I chugged the rest of my drink.All he could say was:
Are U serious?

*waits till lights dim in the movie theater*
*Takes bowl of hot lobster bisque out of purse*

I have nothing positive to report.

Except that roadside drug test.