There was a frozen piece of salmon at the bottom of my fridge I tried to cook after seasoning but I’m realizing this is a mango
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Nothing wakes you up faster than a 5 y/o kicking open your door like SWAT and jumping on you in bed.
How many different places do you look for something before you decide it’s lost?
Men – 2
Women – 1,768
[a person with cold hands]
DONT YOU DARE TOUCH ME WITH THOSE
[a dog with cold paws]
POOR BABY COME HERE I WILL GIVE YOU ALL MY BODY HEAT
Spice up your life. If an insecure person asks if you’re mad at them, always answer “I don’t know.”
Is Ham short for Hamuel or Hamantha?
Me: He’s a great baby, just doesn’t really sleep much.
My baby, if he could talk: Whoa whoa whoa! I sleep! As long as you hold me while standing – facing north – sway at an even 37 sways per minute, while Israel Kamakawiwoʻole’s Over the Rainbow plays. Why is this so hard?
Decided to stop saying “please subscribe” in my videos and it’s working. No new subscribers.
#MeanwhileinCanada
They bad news is my teenager is running a fever; the good news is he’s still feeling well enough to make “yo mama” jokes.
If you want your kid to repeat doing something then just say “don’t do that!”
Knock knock?? Who’s there?? Jehovah Witness. Knock knock?? Knock knock?? Hello?? Knock knock??
Petulant: (defn.) a cat or dog you let a friend borrow
When you feel down about your job just remember someone at google was forced to type out the entire lyrics to Hey Jude.
Lawyer: so tell me, why was my client’s mouth bleeding?
Dentist: he doesn’t floss
Me: You hit me!
D: [puts lips on mic] bc you don’t floss
wife: is that ellen?
daughter: no, it’s dory
me: ellen is the actress that plays dory
daughter: is she a fish?
me: no, she’s a human
daughter: then that’s not her, cause that actress is a fish
I don’t make the same mistake twice.
I make it at least 5-6 times to be sure.
my wife went to Costco 3 hours ago and now she’s ignoring my calls. this can’t be a good sign.
I don’t understand why gyms have mirrors. I know what I look like. That’s why I’m here.
One thing about marvel I like is that they use the same actor. It’s about 25 different Batman’s.
Stopped drinking coffee 3 days ago, and feel less and less addicted to caffeine with every new cup of my own pee.
“Sandwich artist” is a bit pretentious sir when you’re actually a subcontractor.
Not enough arguments are settled with a dance off.
I can’t see those guns made on 3D printers catching on.
If HP make the cartridges, it will be cheaper to buy an AK-47.
“Cows kill more people than sharks.”
“I’m surprised cows kill any sharks at all.”
WIFE: So what did you do today?
ME: I wrote a story about a car that has a portrait of itself at home which absorbs any damage or wear and tear. Calling it the Picture Of Delorean Gray.
HER: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’.
Your mask is a bit different, but you are one of us now
Telling my toddler not to chase the cat around with her nunchucks is easily the coolest thing I’ve ever said as a dad or a human.
Boss pissed me off at work today
Might microwave a tuna sandwich and leave early
My daughters steal my hoodies so they don’t have to deal with having a boyfriend in case you’re wondering why I’m concerned for the bloodline.