There was a frozen piece of salmon at the bottom of my fridge I tried to cook after seasoning but I’m realizing this is a mango
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Little Drummer Boy: I have no gift to bring, pa rum pum pum pum.
Mary: What about that rad drum?
Little Drummer Boy: No
Mary: Get out
I quit smoking ten years ago, but every once in a while, I still enjoy a camel when I’m driving.
Superman finally decides, after realizing an entire city of people is duped by a pair of glasses, that Metropolis really isn’t worth saving.
Her: I said I’d like to see you BETTER yourself.
Me: Oh. *slowly puts down butter knife*
*walks into high school reunion with six-foot tall sack of flour*
I took the assignment seriously. Anyway, this is Max… my son.
There’s a programme on the BBC called Elephant Diaries.
You’d think that was one animal that wouldn’t need to keep one.
But have you tried acting like a cicada and screaming nonstop until someone has sex with you?
What doesn’t kill you is just as disappointed as the rest of us.
ME: I’m so hungry I could greet a horse
FRIEND: “Eat” a horse
ME: No watch this. Hello Mr horse
HORSE: [gives me a taco]
wife: Why is there a broom in the driveway?
me: So your mom doesn’t have to borrow the car
The “you’ve hit the maximum limit for direct messages in a single day” pop-up alert — but for work emails.
Maybe the Titanic sank because there were too many cats onboard, you don’t know.
which auto response should i send back to my dentist?
Breaking news:
Interviewer: “Why should we hire you for our research team?”
Me: “I went to the second page on a Google search once.”
love can touch us one time and last for a lifetime
*herpes
Would definitely get your blood pumping waking up to that…😳🤣🦏🦮
So Canada gets an entire day? What about Narnia or Middle-Earth or Westeros or other made up places #CanadaDay
*uses Oujia board*
SMELLS LIKE UPDOG
me: what’s updog?
NOT MUCH, DOG, JUST ABOUT TO POSSESS YOUR CAT
me: what
cat: what
BAE: wats for lunch
ME: i feel like a sandwich
BAE: u dont LOOK like a sandwich
ME: [secretly been trying to dress sandwichly for weeks] oh.
Conservatives say the problem is Christianity ain’t taught in schools. The real problem is Christianity ain’t taught in church.
[world without bees]
Hamlet: to or not to
Me: I’m terrified of heterosexuals
Therapist: Wait, let me get this straight –
Me: *explodes into a pile of glitter*
Our dog knows way too many phrases now, so my husband and I have resorted to talking like Victorian nobility to get anything by him. “Have you taken the dog on a brisk adventure recently? Would you escort the canine to the backyard, forthwith? Has he supped yet?”
Bring your sick kid to business meetings and watch how fast people get to the point.
Looking for someone to come help pack 17’s boxes for college. Must be able to handle crying. Bring tissues. No weirdos, please. I’m weird enough.
Him You’re the reason I’m up at night
Me: Awww
Him: Please stop calling me at 2am
My turd eating dog just spit out something I cooked if anyone wants to come to dinner.
I’m trying to find my niche, and my nechphew
Jesus’s ability to reheat food is a bigger question than his status as a deity……..