There was a frozen piece of salmon at the bottom of my fridge I tried to cook after seasoning but I’m realizing this is a mango
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I just spilled a bag of popcorn kernels…but, I’m sure you guys heard my wife yelling & already knew that.
My favorite Skrillex song is the one where he drops a spoon into the garbage disposal and steps on a cat’s tail.
The Shawshank Redemption but it’s just me tunneling from my office to the break room so I don’t have to talk to my boss.
I just had the biggest bowel movement of my life then turned around and the toilet was empty. Needless to say I completely lost my shit
NEW! “How to Act” DVD by Kristen Stewart!
In love:
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Uncertain:
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Just married:
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Pregnant:
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Dead:
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Hey people – learn to spell!!!
I mean my co-workers. Twitter, you guys actually do pretty well, considering half of you are probably drunk.
well, my kid accomplished at least one of the two reminders she gave Alexa last night
I need money in a hurry. How quickly does lotto pay out? Also, what are the winning numbers?
[slowly rises from trashcan while 2 friends are making plans without me]
i am also free that day.
My 5yo won an argument with me by saying “I’m just going to agree with myself”
A black James Bond? Wouldn’t work. He’d be pulled over every 15 minutes for driving an Aston Martin.
4yo: i’m going to scare them when they come in the door
me: oh wow that’s silly
4yo: yeah but I won’t kill them. This time.
me: wait, what?
Pop up from someone’s backseat to show you care.
i just got a letter from my prison pen pal saying that he wants me to send him a live shark for his birthday
(To the guy at urinal next to me) You’re doing the right thing. Going here and not in your pants
[Crazed robot bursts into my room and sees my Rage Against the Machine poster]
Me: IT’S NOT WHAT YOU THINK!!!
I stuff the hamster bubble with Cheetos and roll it across the room to you like a bowling ball. You don’t know what the hell just happened… but you’re in love.
ME: *looks up from tarot card* So is Death laughing at a smoldering corpse a good thing?
PSYCHIC: *wide-eyed* At this point, I don’t know.
*4yo son, crying*
I’m sorry! How was I supposed to know I wasn’t supposed to cook the macaroni necklace?
*sigh*
Parenting is hard.
What I thought was happening: a coworker handed me my vape bc I left it laying around
What was actually happening: my coworker was showing me her new vape which neither of us knew looked exactly like mine
What I did: said “oh thanks” and put it in my pocket
“Dollars to donuts” is my most frequent currency conversion.
Ughh…7 more hours till I can go home. Oh, sorry, my Canadian friends…7 more Kilometers till I can go home. Or is it liters?
the worst words you can hear after putting something in the dishwasher: “that’s clean”
Sometimes when my cat is sitting on a chair, I sneak up, shake the chair hard, yelling, “EARTHQUAKE!” Sadly, like many, she’s not prepared
“Curiosity killed the cat”, only it’s me looking up my symptoms on the internet.
When I worked in a pottery factory I thought it would be a laugh to hide in the big kiln but it wasn’t so funny when I was fired!
The orcas have been quiet, too quiet…
Not sure who graded these eggs as Extra-Large, but I’m guessing it was a guy.
I burnt my tongue and now everything tastes like a 9v battery.
My sister got me this real fancy, expensive laundry detergent for Christmas, and I washed my bedding with it. The first night I dreamt I was drowning in a candle and the next I woke up with my blanket in my mouth. No one ever said the transition to boujee would be an easy one.