There was a magnetic necklace for sale at the $1.25 store. It was simultaneously unattractive and attractive.
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Boss: Our toilet is fixed.
M: I can stop pooping at ur house.
B: You’re using the bathroom at my house?
M: There’s a bathroom at ur house?
date: [making small talk over dinner] so what are you looking for?
me: [fingering my soup] i dropped my spoon in
Wife: “Oh my God! You really ONLY hear what you want!”
Me: “Thanks! I’ve been working out!”
Why does life keep trying to teach me patience? I don’t want to learn patience!
Nothing scarier than your husband taking the kids to Petco “just to look” then texting you “we got a surprise”
These people act like they’ve never seen a woman eat a whole rotisserie chicken before.
Is it better to beat someone to the punch or punch someone to the beat?
Whoever named rice cakes is probably also responsible for Paris, Texas
My superpower is acting like I’m trying to stop the elevator from shutting when more people are trying to get on without really stopping it.
I can’t touch my face so I’ve been letting the cats apply and remove my makeup. They’re getting pretty good at it.
[alarm clock goes off]
ok it’s happening again
it’s a day and it’s here again
*googling*
day again why
how to unsubscribe days
Are racist people like “ugh, my open minded uncle is going to be at Thanksgiving this year.”
[baby wakes up in the middle night]
“Go back to sleep, hun. I’ll sort it out.”
[puts baby on eBay]
therapist: what’s your earliest memory?
me: crying for my mom
therapist: so around what, five?
me: nine this morning
If you’re dying, and have recently lost your car keys, take the opportunity, as your life flashes before your eyes, to try to spot them!
Cheer up everybody, only 8 more days until the weekend.
How dare you with another bird…😏😂🦜
I always eat cake like I’m about to be caught.
The way my reading glasses fog up as I drain the spaghetti water into a colander over the sink…is this passion? I feel like this is passion
Cop:” So you confess to striking the victim with I must say, rather impressive moves.”
Me: “Mr Miyagi is my Sensai.”
Cop:”It is still considered assault though.”
Me:”It was self-defense, Sir!”
Mr Miyagi: “Anna San, they were smacking their lips and slurping on their salad.”
It’s all fun and games until someone from real life recognizes you and you realize you’re too small to drag off the body.
Someone broke into my house last night and left a note saying they’d broken one of my keyboard keys.
I onder hich one.
This kinda thing happens to me often
Deleting my dating apps to meet someone the old fashioned way, his best friend moves in next door and he ignores me at a party only to propose to me and I say I hate him but then I see his house and he gets my idiot sister out of a jam and his aunt yells at me
You called me “muffin”….did you mean blueberry or chocolate chip?
I told some friends yesterday that I was going to make seven-layer magic cookie bars and one of my friends said, “oh I can’t make those bc if I do I will eat them until I’m sick” and privately I was like haha well that will not happen unto ME and now it is today and guess what
*Daycare drop off*
4yo: *very loudly* Mommy you have a watermelon belly. *pats my belly* Yup, that just what a watermelon sounds like.
I’m writing a song about this year, so far i have AAAAAAAAH OH MY GOD WHAT IS HAPPENING
I made quiche, like a real grown-up. I feel like Tom Hanks in Castaway when he makes fire… I HAVE MADE QUICHE!