There was a magnetic necklace for sale at the $1.25 store. It was simultaneously unattractive and attractive.
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“Scolding a cat after it does something wrong has been proven ineffective” – cats
getting old is fun
how are there low birth rates when everyone here is a big baby
You think you’re in pretty good shape and then you shovel two feet of snow and wake up the next day feeling like you threw yourself off of a skyscraper.
Responsibility for the New York earthquake is already being claimed by tremorrists.
only targaryens can ride dragons?
explain this game of thrones
Fact: If you blast hiphop at a shallot, it becomes a rapscallion.
COWBOY: This town ain’t big enough for the both of us.
CITY PLANNER: No this is just the mockup. The actual town will be much bigger.
Don’t you find it weird when you go to high five someone and they interlock their fingers with yours and hold it together for a few seconds?
I know you do. That’s why I do it.
People only fall for me because I give them a swift leg swoop when they least expect it.
The neighbors with the baby moved out, and now the loudest crying heard throughout the entire apartment complex comes from me.
HER: how is remote learning going
ME [sadly]: I couldn’t figure it out so I just got up to change the channels
The real reason Batman only comes out at night is because he’d get disastrous tanlines wearing that mask during the day.
5-year-old: Do you know what I learned at school?
Me: What?
5: I was asking you. I don’t remember.
Them: but, if you’re both men, who’s “the lady” in the relationship?
Me: Mariah Carey.
*Playing pirates with my kids
“I bet if we photo copy the CD cover and use it, we can sell these for more”
Mad Max: Furry Road
Why don’t people ever put the big lights on in horror films?
Me: Well honey, this place is ripe for arson
Realtor: Right for your son? Oh yes
Me: This house will be coals
Realtor: Cole is a lovely name
Once my husband had me watch a video of “the most amazing guitar player ever,” and I patiently watched in silence until the video was over before disclosing that I had dated the guy. It was an awesome moment.
I accidental typed sinroof instead of sunroof and I may have just invented the greatest thing ever.
.@rickygervais Ricky, if you can get Twitter to verify me, you will be the first atheist allowed into heaven.
I spend an awful lot of time picking the most desirable potato chips out of the bag for someone who’s going to eat them all anyway.
You don’t scare me, you’re not my ID photo.
The Queen is so afraid of how the vote will turn out, she put Sam Smith in a boat circling Scotland singing “Stay With Me” into a megaphone.
ME (watching a sea of a million llamas stampede over the horizon): dear God, it’s the alpacalypse
As long as my family keeps calling it “The Twitter” I’ll know I’m safe here
[murders Aquaman with some super absorbent paper towels]
[Arriving to cult meeting]
Cult leader: Did you bring the sacrifice?
Me, standing in a puddle of water:
Shit…I thought you said sack of ice.
i never understood why we had to blow on the nintendo cartridge before eating it