There was a man hunched over by a trash can and I heard sniffling and thought he was crying so I said “hey man are you alright” and he turned around and he was doing lines off a book. Pretty sure he’s doing alright.
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*claims pandemic weight as a new dependent on my taxes*
Mufasa: my son, present your first antelope kill
Simba: *hiding cantaloupe behind his back* my what now
Scar: *whispering* lmao I’m the lyin’ king
someone brought a box of lemons to work and emailed out saying “there’s lemons” and now every one has a lemon on their desk. why
You sound smart. You some kinda ‘ologist?
“I’ll fix the roof myself,” I said, “save some money” I said…
Superman: Where’s Batman?
Wonder Woman: *shrugs*
Firestorm: I dunno
Green Lantern: …
Superman: Oh shit, we forgot Batman can’t fly again!!
My neighbor’s kid said hi but I couldn’t think of his name and said “Hi son of John” like some biblical dude
Me: Where are the zip ties and duct tape?
Costco employee: Aisle 6
Me: [squeezing his bicep] Oooo you’re beefy. Do you guys carry chloroform?
One of my kids hates the smell of melted cheese, so naturally my other kid is going through a nachos only phase.
So my kid secretly recorded me driving and singing and put it on social media if you needed to know how important birth control is today.
[gets to heaven, transforms into angel]
God: Here’s your white gown
and— You JUST got here. How did you already spill spaghetti sauce all over yourself?
Dance like no one is watching. Email it like it might be read aloud one day in front of a Jury.
friend: What’s one thing marriage has taught you?
me: If you walk into the house eating a candy bar you better have one for her too
ME: my wife and I do this cute thing where we finish each other’s sentences
WARDEN: no
Coffee so strong I’m starting to believe I’m The Flash.
Grandmother: “So what is Skype?”
*Explains in great detail on how it works*
“So do I need a computer for it?”
“I JUST…how’s your cat?”
you should get a pension for having to go to school for 12 years
“If something goes wrong, we’ll just go to a blue DOS screen and dump out an indecipherable log of what happened”.
This was a choice made.
I will not be participating in the end of daylight savings time on the grounds that setting my clock back will add an hour to 2020.
I haven’t had bread in 3 weeks. I look great but now all I think about is bread. I’m basically a duck at this point.
[walks into a laundromat with a bag of popcorn kernels and heads straight to the dryers]
popcorn, or as cerebral smart minds such as myself refer to it ‘popped corn’, is the number #1 food of watching things
Me: Just so you know, I’m DTF right now.
Wife: I don’t know what “DTF” means.
Me: Take a guess.
Wife: (pause) Definitely Too Fat?
OMG. I saw Leonardo da Vinci trending and thought he died.
Me: (to my kid after I see her empty plate at the dinner table) I guess you need to learn how take your plate up
My Kid: I’ve already learned that skill.
Me:
My Kid: I don’t need any further practice on it.
Me: 😑
In 8th grade, I had a crush on boy in my class. At some point, I found out my family was moving & I was going to switch schools. So, I wrote him a very long love letter. The day after I read it to him in front of my class, my parents decided I could keep going to the same school.
Me working remotely from home:
“Sorry I’m late to the Zoom, I got caught up in another *meeting that ran over.”
*moving laundry from washer to dryer
Hi, it’s me. The guy who was just complaining about it being to warm in November. You might think this would preclude me from *also* complaining about how cold it’s gotten now but I contain multitudes.
Last year my husband and I both gave each other NyQuil for Christmas. I’m just not sure we are going to be able to top the gift of sleep this year.
Did it bother anybody else that the guy from that “Operation” game was clearly wide awake?