There was a man hunched over by a trash can and I heard sniffling and thought he was crying so I said “hey man are you alright” and he turned around and he was doing lines off a book. Pretty sure he’s doing alright.
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“I’m an Aquarius, I hate it when people stab me in the back.”
Wow. The rest of us absolutely love it.
Bought some skinny jeans and tied them around my waist, they don’t work.
Remember you could bludgeon your enemy King with a wheel of cheese and eat the evidence.
How to cow tip:
First, sneak up behind the cow.
Next, get into a wide stance.
Finally, slip the money into it’s bell.
The great thing about roadkill is you can teach your kid about wildlife and road safety simultaneously
Banana is the quietest snack
Me: 5, 4, 3..
Friend who has only 1 kid: “Why are you counting down?? They’re all playing nice.”
Me: 2, 1, 0
Kid 1 {Scream crying}
Kids 2 and 3: “I DIDN’T DO IT!”
Friend: “Oh.”
[Office meeting]
*I stride in, straddle a chair:
Yo Guys. Listen upBoss: Turn around Frank. We can’t hear you when you’re facing the wall
When I was younger I wished Hulk Hogan would be the president. Now that I’m older I wish Hulk Hogan would be the president.
Ran into someone that said “oh I haven’t seen you in a long time” and I was like I know I did that on purpose.
Sorry I said, “Maybe you’ll do better next time” when you showed me your baby.
Apparrotly you can drop the names of birds into the start of sentences and people won’t even notice
Someone with OCD visited my TL whilst I was napping and now all my tweets
seem to be facing the same way.
I was standing in the train station waiting for a friend when some guy came up to me and gave me a dollar in case you need any fashion advice.
Me: what word would you use?
Interviewer: I’ve just never seen “higgledy-piggledy” on a resume before
Him: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Usually.
We’re all born naked and the rest is crab. #DragRace
*jogging*
Me: *out of breath* go on I’ll catch up
Him: *turns around to see me eating a can of cherry pie filling*
Does anyone ever put a chip with too much dip on it into their mouth, then shove a second chip in there to even out the chip to dip ratio?
Regaling my son with tales of yore about the formality of landline phones and how, when the caller asked to speak to you by name, you’d have to say “This is she” or people would think you were raised by alley cats
A treadmill minute is three times as long as an alarm clock snooze minute.
one time I was in the hospital elevator with a resident and then the elevator got stuck and I was like “omg we are going to die” and she was like “omg YES I needed this today” and sat down and started eating a granola bar
Every time I see people kiss goodbye as they get out of a car, I think how lucky I am that I didn’t get that Uber driver.
King-sized beds: Because you both want to sleep on the same mattress, but not in the same zip code.
“Baby last night you were so hot, let’s do it all over again this morning.”
-me, speaking to this leftover pizza.
Accidentally took a second muscle relaxant and I haven’t felt this calm since I was in the womb and my Mom was smoking and drinking.
[the noise of everyone talking at a party randomly goes silent]
ME: i call hot dogs meat pickles
WIFE:Did you get the spaghetti?
ME:Better.
WIFE:Better?
ME:Look at this crazy, wild spaghetti I found outside! *hands just full of snakes*
*pretends to throw ball*
*dog runs to chase it*
Ha, stupid dog.
*dog keeps running, disappears over horizon*
Um
*dog tackles me from behind*