There was a man hunched over by a trash can and I heard sniffling and thought he was crying so I said “hey man are you alright” and he turned around and he was doing lines off a book. Pretty sure he’s doing alright.
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I’m not sure what’s more distressing:
Someone had the idea to invent a 72 hour deodorant.
Or that there’s a market for 72 hour deodorant.
I’m a pretty law abiding citizen, but overweight and out of shape security guards really make me want to test their commitment to the job.
You can’t embarrass me. My parents practiced disco dancing in our living room while my friends were over.
It was 80s day at my 8yo’s school so I told him to walk to school and be home before dark.
“Age ain’t nothing but a number.” Bro, age is a word.
SEXY FLATMATE: I miss my boyfriend
ME: The doctor?
F: He never comes round anymore
ME [smiling at my room full of apples] Yeah it’s so weird
Tried to steal some candy from a baby.
I got hit in the face with a rattle and then it puked on me
They lied about how easy that was.
interviewer: how do you explain this long gap in your resume?
me: self-quarantine
interviewer: but this was between 1998 and 2000
me: *looks off in distance, shivers* furbies
When it comes to gifts, I’m easy to buy for. I want what every woman wants: a domesticated raccoon that is willing to assist me with petty crimes.
Hitman: *rummaging through my house looking for me*
Me, studied abroad:
Hitman: This reminds me of when I was in Barcelona
Me, studied abroad: ACTUALLY I STUDIED ABROAD IN BARTH-
a whale has no legs and can still jump higher than you
[parole hearing]
“What will u do if released?”
“Kill everyone on the jury.”
“What?”
“Buy everyone jewellery.”
“Aw. Granted.”
Whoever coined the term sticktoitiveness really got away with some bullshit there
I had a scary nightmare where all the people I muted and blocked hid all my wife’s cosmetics to get me in trouble.
Budget: She really knows how to stretch me to the limit.
Spanx: Dude, look who you’re talking to.
*my boss angrily taps his watch because I come into the meeting late
*i angrily tap my watch back because this meeting is too early
Her: Please be on your best behavior.
Me: I assure you that I can meet that standard and still offend pretty much everyone.
“Do you believe in evolution?”
“No”
“Global warming?”
“No”
“Racial Equality?”
“No”
“Then what makes The West superior?
“Science! Logic!”
if u hear ur roommate using ur beard trimmer in the bathroom but they come out and look exactly the same u should buy a new beard trimmer
Don’t become a scientist y’all, it’s a trap.
When it works, you gotta do more experiments.
When it doesn’t work, you gotta do more experiments.
Me: I’m pretty brave.
Wife: You shrieked in terror at a potato.
Me: It had stuff growing out of it. I could’ve died.
What’s the deal with everyone liking unicorns? They’re horses with dildos on their heads. Dragons, people. DRAGONS.
The east coast is experiencing a “Snowpocalypse” or as Canada calls it “Monday”
The Rock hasn’t released a movie in two weeks. I hope he’s okay.
boss asked me to get an accurate headcount and i said pretty sure everyone’s only got one my dude
Who called it America and not the fast food and the furious?
Cutest thing I saw was the dad angrily slamming the sliding door of his minivan but it slowed down by itself and latched silently and then it was just kind of sad.
have unfortunately discovered you can ask gpt4 to write you a rupi kaur poem and it does a really good job
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Amal Clooney bought hubby George a riding lawnmower for his 55th birthday. I have never been so jealous of a garden tool in my life.
Having to share a room with your spouse is absolute nonsense. Even kids get their own rooms…