Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[hs reunion]

JANE: i’m an engineer
TOM: i’m a real estate developer
AMY: i’m a lawyer
*everyone looks at me*
ME: *panics* i’m a hospital

Surgeon: I can’t find the clot

Wife: *from gallery* oh BIG surprise

I don’t know why people say Twitter isn’t a dating app. I’ve encountered plenty of available married men here.

Haven’t done a pushup in years. Doesn’t seem right with what’s been going on in the world

My son cried yesterday because:
– he “doesn’t want to carry two things” (school bag and lunch bag)
– i pushed the button on the elevator and he wanted to do it
– his nanny said hello and he’s “too tired to greet”
– didn’t like the shirt he was wearing anymore
– wanted to write M

Hotel garbage cans are way too small.

How the hell am I supposed to fit my 8 take out containers, 5 empty bottles of wine, and cake tin in there?!

Relationship status: I’m about to go put on my camouflage pants so my family can’t find me on the couch.

Christmas in 3 weeks and everyone’s gifts still in my thoughts and prayers

The doctor said to spread my legs wider for the exam. Going to the optometrist is kind of fun.

these two trucks have the same bed length

[Morning after wedding]
*dead husband lies on bed*
PRAYING MANTIS: [On phone] Mom *sobs* it happened again
MOM: Ok hurry up and eat his body

If it comes down to Joe Biden vs Donald Trump we should just accept our fates & let a chili dog eating contest determine who’s president.

Dear Milk of Magnesia manufacturers:

Please add : ‘Don’t trust a fart’ to your side effects label.

kthanksbye

If I learned anything from Peter Pan, it’s that I can leave my dog to watch my kids while I go out and party.

A Slinky is a great way to teach young children that it’s fun to push things down the stairs.

In the ranking of country’s that drinks the most America is only #4. We need to fix this. Someone fix me a drink and help get us to #1.

Sometimes I think I’m reasonably intelligent, and sometimes I click the remote car door lock a second or third time for extra lockiness.

Who needs a bull in a china shop when you have a 2-year-old contemplating Grandma’s figurine collection?

Murderer: Which of the three of you to kill – it’s quite the dilemma
Me: Technically that’s a trilemma
Murderer: OK now it’s easy

Me in my 20’s:
I don’t want to leave the house if my Victoria’s Secret bra doesn’t match my thong.

Me in my 40’s:
I don’t want to leave the house.

A big shout out to my mother who can’t hear me otherwise.

people say opposites attract but I say find a partner who’s deranged in the same ways you are and double your capacity to be annoying

Boy in the pub was telling me his job is a penguin erector so every time a plane flys over Edinburgh zoo the penguins can’t take their eyes off it and end up falling over n he just goes round picking them back up, 38 penguins 2000 flights a day

I grew up during the time when every home had a sewing machine but no one knew how to use it or where it came from.

[ER]
Me: I CANT FEEL MY LEGS AM I DYING DOC?
Dr: *loosens my belt*unbuttons my pants*
Me: is this appropriate? *blood returns to legs* oh.

I was introduced to a baby recently by her parents; the mother told me “she doesn’t do anything, or know anything”

Accidentally dropped a magic mushroom in my cats litter box & now he’s laying across the driveway staring at the stars & quoting Kierkegaard

if your religion infringes on people’s rights; sorry, you’ve had hundreds of years to change everyone’s mind- obviously that hasn’t happened

Kids, eat your vegetables.

*reluctantly, they eat*

[2 hrs later]

*I eavesdrop on their convo*

Daughter: Unionizing will help us bargain.