There was a moth on my computer screen so I googled “what eats moths?” and found a picture of a bat. I moved the picture around the screen to try and simulate flying. The moth was undisturbed but my experiments continue.
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A mockingbird, a diamond ring, a mirror, a goat, a cart and bull, and finally a dog.
If you’re trying to quiet a baby, may I recommend a pacifier and a white noise machine?
Enters supermarket with a long list.
Exits with a six pack and rotisserie chicken.
Jesus: One among you will betray me.
John: No way dude.
Matthew: No way dude.
Judas: *thumbing through designer cross catalogue* Plausible.
I’ve banned my kid from his X Box today so he’s gone to a barn on the outskirts of town to dance out his frustrations.
I just pulled a muscle tearing up my gym membership card.
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
[ from bed ]
*accio coffee*
damnit it didn’t work again
I keep smelling ammonia in my apartment so obviously my organs are failing and I’m going to die. Or a neighbor is cleaning.
I just realized that I’m using a new phone that has never been dropped. How coo
Ah the throw away lines of children at the dinner table “I eat the shit food first”.
Got lectured today from my doctor about my glucose level. I knew I should’ve studied more for that blood test.
New Year’s Eve is just a myth created by the government to sell you more years
I think we can all agree if the ancient Egyptians had twitter there would be no pyramids.
Sometimes music can transport you to a place where you just SHIT THAT WAS MY EXIT BACK THERE.
DOCTOR: What’s the matter?
ME: I don’t know. Sometimes I feel like I’m a bad husband.
DOCTOR: I meant with your wife.
ME: Oh her water broke or something.
I just spilled my protein shake all over myself and all I’m saying is a donut would never do this to me.
[My son’s 1st day of school]
ME [in tears] it’s just gone way too fast
TEACHER: Even so, you have to take him home now
looks like someone ordered the brontosaurus ribs
Me: *calls friend* Traffic isn’t moving, no exits, doesn’t look good.
Friend: You’re being dramatic.
Me: We are building a new society on the shoulder.
F: Seriously?
Me: I’m a huntress now. Hope I can provide for the village. Wish me luck.
If I lived in Alabama, I’d name my daughter, ‘Banjo-lina”.
If you ever see me driving slow it’s because I just dropped whatever I was eating.
the nice thing about my ADHD is that if my apartment is haunted I will literally never notice it
“silly me, always leaving these cupboards and drawers open and the sink running at full blast,” I say, as a frustrated ghost screams into a pillow in the corner
I came.
I saw.
I lost a banana.
This quarantine is making it hard to ignore calls from people I don’t want to talk to. It’s not like I can say “Sorry mom I was at the movies.”
Ducks probably think platypuses are duck werewolves.
I saw a girl wearing a shirt that just said CANCER on the front and it took me five minutes to stop feeling sorry for her and realize that was her astrology sign.
‘Noah’ plot hole: THE FOOD CHAIN.
Why is it pronounced ar-kan-saw and not ar-you-sure-you-wanna-go-here
[guy who’s about to invent urinals]
*peeing* i hate having privacy
Me: HALLOWEEN!!!
Ween: Hallo!