There was a moth on my computer screen so I googled “what eats moths?” and found a picture of a bat. I moved the picture around the screen to try and simulate flying. The moth was undisturbed but my experiments continue.
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“A beast, you say. Have you tried stabbing it? I see. And your knives, are they steely? Hm. I’ll send someone up right away, sir.”
The difference between your husband and your Netflix account is, over time, your Netflix account learns what you like.
I thought I was doing a good deed today but long story short I stole my neighbor’s cat
ME: i’ve been feeling sick lately
FRIEND: maybe you should see a doctor
ME: *google image searches “doctor”* haha you’re right, they look awesome
Me: Air
Her: Tornado
Me: …
Me: Now you’re just twisting my words around.
[amusement park]
me: *arms up, screaming*
cashier: but that is the price
I love in films like 300 where the main guy will say something like “get some sleep, for tomorrow we battle to death”, and everyone just goes into deep sleep, in some wet grass, fully clothed. I can’t get to sleep in a warm bed if I have a 10am conference call about content.
When I see the lyrics to a song I’ve been singing wrong the whole time.
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my (35m) 10,000 rats (1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 2m, 4m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 2m, 4m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f..
I’m thinking about getting a mirror over my bed so I can watch myself while I’m eating cereal.
Marriage, Year one: I love watching you shave. You’re so cute!
Marriage, year ten: You leave whiskers in that sink one more time and I’ll drown you in it
Just watched a guy in a shirt that read “Jedi I am” trip on a curb and fall.
Jedi you are not sir
A book written by and for chickens is called a bok
Saturday
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Imagine me riding a bike.
Wrong.
There’s no seat.
Me: …so anyway, the doctor said I might be lactose intolerant
Mom: *hysterical crying*
Dad: you’re a disgrace to the State of Wisconsin. Don’t come home for Thanksgiving. *slams down phone*
entitled millennials are “quiet nourishing” – taking 20, even 30 minutes out of the middle of the work day to eat food. we interviewed 87 corporate bosses who hate it
I don’t tell many people this, but I have been known to carry a shiv.
Okay, it’s the underwire in my bra and the only one getting stabbed is me, but still.
My kid pausing YouTube to decide what snack she wants is the new turning down the car radio when you’re lost.
Never turn your back while kids are in the bath.
Drown shmown!
Those punks are gonna dump a whole bottle of shampoo in for mega bubble bath
My chiropractor is a crack addict.
Just because I know that I can fit 150 snakes in my bathtub doesn’t mean I have a plan
More than 500 million planets in the Milky Way Galaxy are capable of supporting life.
Pick one and get out of my face.
Just FYI if a DJ or children’s entertainer tells you to “make some noise”, never make the most amount of noise you can the first time, because chances are they’ll tell you that they can’t hear you and you’ll have to make even more noise
*remembers company is coming*
*checks all the garbage cans, switching out Walmart bags for real trash bags like some sort of rich person*
the eldest child I nanny (she’s 5) has a game where she sits us all in a circle and gives us each a coin with a sticker on one. anyways if we flip our coin and it lands sticker-side-up we have to touch the dead bee she keeps under her bed in a tupperware.
12 was not amused when I made the comment of how good ‘we’ did on candy tonight
Some of you people, plus the magic marker I ate earlier, make me sick.