Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

is this how new cars are made??

Auto correct changed “group hug” to “grope hug” and I’m not in charge of the team-building exercises any more.

[on date]
ME: I’ll have a steak
WAITER: How would u like that cooked?
ME: Uhh with fire or some kind of heat? *rolls eyes at date*

Seriously though: Facebook is a wasteland, Twitter in turmoil, Instagram has collapsed trying to be TikTok, and TikTok isn’t a social network. If you wanted to start a social network, this would be the best time in 10 years to try that.

If someone gives you a giant box of fudge, how long is it customary to pretend like you haven’t already eaten the entire box?

If I have a son, he’s going to be named Alvin Simon Theodore, and it’ll be funny as hell whenever anyone gets mad and yells his full name.

Being a parent puts you in excruciatingly difficult situations. For example, having to talk to other parents.

Whenever I mess up an experiment I just think of what a pigeon considers a successful nest

I hate people who make grandma mistakes.

“Don’t you mean grammar mistakes?”

*Slaps green Jello out from her hand*

I know what I said.

My kid can name 32 crayon colours but when I ask what colour was that car that backed into our’s he’ll say “a bit like my yesterday’s poop”

Reached the stage of parenting where I just found a garlic press in the shower and I didn’t even want to ask why.

why am I working on Labor Day

I would move hell over six inches for you

a shrimp? am i to accept, as god’s own truth, that the sea’s very own abominable and chittering roach, was the one who took wok into hand and fried this rice?

I decided to jog in place at a stoplight and got some really strange looks.

I should’ve just stayed in the car.

I’ve been asked to stop using “finger-licking good” as an adjective at work.

Must be a covid thing.

(inventing satellite dish) i wish this wok talked to outer space instead of cooking lo mein

Asking for her hand in marriage means something entirely different if your name’s Frankenstein.

Girl are you a University of Phoenix degree because I’m pursuing you online and from my couch

in addition to Lady Doritos, Doritos plans to make Alpha Male Doritos, which will be just shards of broken glass

*at swingers club*

me: so how does this work? do we both go at the same time or do I push you first?

I just shook my keyboard upside down. Breakfast is served.

The older I get, the more my feet hurt. I guess it’s true… time wounds all heels.

Just remembered this meme I made back in May of 2020.

Throwing things off the table before my cat gets the chance to is one of my favourite past times. Eye contact is imperative for full satisfaction

“It’s not you, it’s meat” – vegan break up

Time to play a new game I just made up called “disgusting phrases,” I’ll go first:

“spicy wet cheese”

Joseph: *putting his arm around Mary* may I be the first to ever say to you ‘Merry Christmas’

Mary: *shrugging his arm off* we’re Jewish Joseph

When you write a scene that finally fixes that one plot hole.

Avocado pits are exceptionally useful, in some unexpected ways.

I once smuggled an avocado pit in my prison wallet when I had to go to jail for a bit.

Three days later. I carefully removed it then artfully carved a lockpick out of it. When I was caught a week later in Florida, I refused to tell them how I’d escaped. The sheriff who drove me back to prison told me I had balls.

If only he knew the truth.