There was a pretty girl in the produce section so to impress her I bought a mango
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the average person eats three spiders a year, but as you’re about to find out, it takes an entire year for three spiders to eat a person
Jesus saves. Often. Because even he knows Microsoft Word is a piece of shit.
Put the spoiled milk back in the fridge and hope it gets better.
– What I think when I hear someone is getting back together with an ex.
Mmm that smells good. Is it mint?
Are you going to eat it? Please eat it.
No…..don’t throw it away! NO!!
[My dog watching me floss]
interviewer: your resume says you like being read to
me: and then what happened
Technically, everyone owns at least one skeleton, and they all sleep with it in their bed
I’m not here to judge anyone’s religion. I’m here to judge their misinterpretation of it.
i think they should have thrown one avenger in with all the scientists in oppenheimer. just one little tiny scene where oppenheimer, feynmann, and fermi are sitting around like “well, what do you think, Ant Man?”
My work’s 401K has four levels of risk/return. I signed up for the riskiest level that invests only in timeshares and lottery tickets. You have to spend money to make money.
I broke my tool for painting Easter decorations. I’m having an egg shell stencil crisis.
Me: Strengths? I never vomit when I’m nervous. *vomits*
HR guy: Umm…you sure about that?
Me: Oh yeah, yeah. I’m just super drunk right now
Umbrellas are cool because they keep 8% of you dry AND give you a big soggy stick to carry around all day!
The opposite of Lorelai is Loretellsthetruth,
Me: I’m 29, I’m not that old! I have my whole life ahead of me.
Me around a 20 year old: I am the grim spectre of death. I have seen empires rise and fall like the endless shifting dunes. Time has no meaning.
My almond-milk shake brings all the vegans to the yard, and they’re like …. “where’s your compost?”
I think I can speak for everyone when I say that I am a ventriloquist.
Ok guys, very important meeting at the Waldorf Astoria Shovel Palace. Bring your own shovel!
God: Hmm now where did I leave that fish? It couldn’t possibly have grown legs and walked away
Darwin: lol ur not gonna believe this
Angry Birds for Olympics: Instead of hitting two birds with one stone, here you can hit two stones with one bird.
me: we have a problem, i forgot the speakers
her: it’s cool i don’t like music
me: ok we have 2 problems
Saw a guy reading a book and writing notes in it. Not enough words in there for ya bud ?
scoring in hockey: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5
scoring in baseball: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5
scoring in basketball: 2, 4, 6, 8, 10
scoring in tennis: love, 15, 30, 40, turkey sandwich, spider, 57, keanu reeves
I accidentally touched the underside of a public toilet seat with my finger. Well, you had a good run, finger. *chainsaw sound*
first you must answer his riddles
When someone you don’t like is eating them, chips sound like 1000 asteroids smashing into the polar ice caps.
[Bunch of 6 year olds knock on my door]
“TRICK OR TREAT!”
You kids are in for a real treat…
*slips each of them a copy of my demo tape*
I picked one hell of a year to stop drinking.
US Loretta Lynch confirms that all 7 FIFA officials dramatically threw themselves onto the ground faking injury when arrested earlier today.
I like to confuse my husband. So I smiled at him this morning.
If I don’t see someone on social media for a while I automatically assume the worst… that they’re happy.