There was a pretty girl in the produce section so to impress her I bought a mango
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doctor: push through the pain, I can see the head, you can do it!
me: [struggling to pull on my turtleneck sweater] I can taste air
Wife: You left $5 in the jeans I washed.
Me: I guess I’m guilty… *puts on sunglasses* …of money laundering.
*never gets laid again*
Them: they’re changing Spiderman’s footwear for the next film.
Me: Oh great, another reboot!
My idea of a 5 course meal is pizza with 4 toppings
If by high maintenance you mean she looks like a stoned janitor, then yeah, she’s high maintenance.
I saw a crying baby and gave it my phone bill cuz why should we both be upset?
Nice try, self check out lanes. There’s not even any mirrors.
Friend “Listen to this. I had wine delivered the other night and I ended up having sex with the delivery guy”
Me “There’s WINE delivery?”
Me, seeing a man proposing to a woman in public: Hey, this guy bothering you?
the worst part about cooking for others is not licking the utensils every time you stir something
Responding to my friends being honest: “Man, I appreciate you.”
Responding to my kids being honest: “Man, can’t you lie about lunch being good just for today??”
“Well, you only live once.”
– Guy, convincing himself to skydive“Well, you only live once.”
– Me, convincing myself not to skydive
It’s gonna be interesting to see who the aliens enslave and who they let go free. I for one have always thought aliens to be wonderful and superior in every way.
I quit dating because I’m a germaphobe and also because my husband was getting annoyed
Kids: Why does dad still have to go to work if this virus thing is so serious?
Him: I’ve been working from home this whole week
Me: They haven’t looked up from their iPads since Monday
Penguins walking in 5x speed
My forté is using words like forté with aplomb while using words like aplomb as though it were my forté.
Wife: how’d you get that burn on your arm??
Me (looking fabulous): not from your curling iron
Each day is a wondrous journey, always discovering the new things in life that can irritate me.
My 7yo was asked what he loves most about his parents:
Mommy is cuddly, likes to dance, and makes yummy cookies.
Daddy is the only one in the family with hair on his face.
*wakes up hungover, sweaty*
*licks arm*
*gets drunk*
[at ultrasound]
Nurse: there it is. There’s your baby
Me visibly relieved: oh Jesus thank u
Wife whispering to nurse: he thought it was bees
“Why don’t you want to have kids?”
*motions hysterically in every direction*
“I’m not falling for that again” I say as I’m about to fall for whatever that is, again
Me: *doesn’t get enough sleep, takes an afternoon nap to make up for it*
My body: well look what you did now we have to stay awake until 3
My Dad has accidentally bought 60 pairs of reading glasses off the internet after misreading the quantity of his order.
really slow day at 911. im just calling random numbers and asking ‘you good???’
I set my alarm in a way to try to trick morning-me into getting up earlier, but morning-me is a math wizard and cannot be fooled.
[at the aquarium]
Son, pointing at large tank: daddy what’s that?
Me: that’s a tank
Son: no what lives in the tank
Me: water