There was a pretty girl in the produce section so to impress her I bought a mango
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I stopped yelling at my kids when they piss me off
and started taking bites of their sandwiches instead.12yo is going to school with JUST crusts today.
Need a math nerd to solve the following problem:
I make my son a peanut butter sandwich. Rectangle, no crust, let’s say 5” by 4”. I cut it diagonally into two TRIANGLES. However, he wants SQUARES. If he weighs 55 lbs, how much force is needed to launch him into the sun?
Bigfoot’s whole body is big. he should be called Bigbody
My wife thinks she caught me with a lip of tobacco but it was bacon and now I have a choose your fight adventure on my hands
You eventually reach the age when bar hopping turns into let’s stay here because it’s not that noisy and the bathroom is clean.
“My dog’s learning to speak a foreign language.”
“Español?”
“No, he’s a labrador.”
We’re going to the national aquarium tomorrow and we just learned they have a no stroller policy, “for safety.” When my 2yo attacks the sharks I expect they’ll change that policy
I feel like this would increase accidents because if I saw that I would assume it’s a demon arriving to drag my soul to hell.
The carwash is a great place to meet other millionaires who for some reason don’t have garden hoses.
Glad i moved to a hip neighborhood where everyone is hot and I look like a rat who figured out how to use H&M gift card.
mark zuckerberg is so rich that if he gets hit in the face with a cream pie, it is not worth his time to clean it off. he just walks around like that all day
[GOD INVENTING THE AVOCADO]
Make a banana annoying.
My psychiatrist said I have a case of acute narcissism, but if you ask me it’s better described as downright adorable.
Hey all you parents who recently named your kid Jax
We get it you’re unoriginal and watch SOAHold on my daughter Grey’s Anatomy is crying
I really was gonna jog at the park today….but I just found an empty park bench so I’ll just have a few smokes and cheer the joggers on.
Some people just want to watch the world bake at 350° for 45 minutes.
🎶Well you can tell by the way I clumsy walk
I’m an awkward girl, don’t wanna talk
Mumble sounds, eyes look down
I’ve been trippin ’round since I was born
And it’s all right, it’s okay
Please just look the other way
🎶
Spent $500 on groceries today. Any minute now, one of my kids will list 10 things I forgot.
The scariest part of packing is making sure you unpacked all the drugs from the last time you traveled
Things that are loud:
Jet engines
Dynamite
Opening a bag of Sun Chips at a funeral
Rock concerts
rest in peace, 2023.
2023-2023
I was so tired that I failed a stupid captcha test 3 times in a row yesterday & if that’s not human, I don’t know what is.
Dear kangaroos, what’s stopping you from looking like this?
How much for the mirror?
Ma’am that’s the cover of Vogue
A very large bee just flew by and dropped a big spider on me. What kind of sick collaboration is this?
Everytime a suburban white kid throws up a gang sign, an angel misses brunch.
This virus would sound a lot cuter if it was referred to as more of a panda-demic.
“Your name?”
“Annie, R.U.O.K
“Annie, R.U.O.K?”
“R.U.O.K, Annie”
Jehovah’s Witness: Hello, sir. Have you given any thought to the afterlife?
Me: Depends. Are you gonna be there?
Jehovah’s Witness: Why yes-
Me: *slams door*