there was a sandwich. on the edge of the counter. and now there isn’t. those are all the details. we can confirm so far. the piece of lettuce on my nose. is purely circumstantial
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“When life gives you people, mass murder them.” — An Angry Lemon.
*Don’t Walk sign flashes*
Me: [from my wheelchair]: “Okay.”
I had a beautiful pearl of wisdom to tweet but I dropped it on the ground and one of my dogs ate it. I should have it back in 12 hours or so
I now ask my Dad things like he used to ask me when I was a teenager.
Where are you going? Who are you going with? What time will you be back? Do I know any of these people? Do you have a coat?
Friend: How are you doing?
Me *reading a book about the identification & use of medicinal plants, so that I have a viable apocalypse skill to barter on the offchance of a complete societal breakdown* Fine.
I’m always tonguing my cyanide tooth in case someone wants to tell me about their journey.
Girlfriend’s dad doesn’t like me for some reason. Doesn’t want to get rich via foolproof investment opportunity, either. Strange guy
Finally watching Michael Bay’s TMNT. Best part so far is a dude answering a Skype call and yelling “How did you get this number?!?”
Treat her like she’s the only girl on Earth. Nothing makes a woman happier than the thought of every other woman disappearing forever.
“Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Waldo, Not Waldo”–Where’s Waldo Audiobook
Women just want to make us better men, not drain our life essence. And sharks are just trying to kiss us but their teeth get in the way.
I’m fat, so when I get mad, I get massive aggressive.
If you dropped two noodles on the floor, they would probably resemble my name more than my signature does…
Her: I <3 you.
Me: I… I sideways balls you too.
Either I just stepped in dog shit or the stench of my parent’s disappointment has started following me around.
why no one uses midhusbands
It’s my son’s 4th birthday so I volunteered to help out on his class trip to Chinatown.
If you don’t hear from me again, they won.
7 wants to pull all her hair out and plant miniature trees instead
*first day working the gas pumps*
Me: ‘Paper or plastic?’
me and my buddies are playing “soup fight”. that’s where we each embody a different vegetable and get in a nice hot tub together. and then we fight
I got attacked by a cat with no claws today. Reminded me of getting mugged by a canadian…
Just found out I’ve been drinking straight up cold brew concentrate that’s supposed to be diluted 4 parts to 1, and now I know why I’ve been able to feel my scalp for the last month
As an adult very few things are less humiliating than being caught in public trying to be cute for a selfie.
It snowed for christmas. That’s something that never happens in the south.
We are also without power.
Santa will be getting cookie dough.
I don’t care if you have a date you can’t borrow the good porcupine.
ME: I hate owls
[Owl turns his head 180°]
OWL: What?
ME: Oh I didn’t see you there
OWL: Are you talking behind my back?
ME: I’m…I’m not sure
To all my friends who lost weight- I found it
My villain origin story is seeing the Twitter ad for the dog pooping toothpaste 1000 times in a day and finally snapping.
If anyone is missing a cup it’s probably in my daughter’s room