there was a sandwich. on the edge of the counter. and now there isn’t. those are all the details. we can confirm so far. the piece of lettuce on my nose. is purely circumstantial
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I was getting chased by a man yelling “STOP, POLICE!” & I yelled “YES YES STOP POLICE! THEY’RE OUT OF CONTROL!” But he kept chasing me
What is a Sherpa?
“Let me summit up for you.”
People like to say they love coffee but dump 1 gallon of sugar into it. You don’t love coffee you love candy.
Ma’am, nowhere on the perfume bottle does it say “marinate in”
Police: How are you feeling?
Me: I’m fine.
*polygraph explodes*
[if you can make a girl laugh you can make her do anything]
*makes a girl laugh*
me: can you do my taxes
Just think: right now, your body is cookin’ up some poop.
LOL, Investigation Discovery, for assuming your victim was murdered at night just because she’s wearing pajamas.
Do other animals have signature tranquilizers, or are horses just especially stressed out?
This Roomba was a great investment. It vacuums, saves time, and in a pinch can be used as a babysitter.
Halloween is without question the easiest time of year to kill somebody and just leave their body decomposing on your porch for a month
Why DOES “February” have that extra R? It should just be “Februay.”
If her last two boyfriends died in mysterious car explosions, you may not want to heart-eyes emoji her friend’s selfie.
People assume I am stupid because I am nice and smiley and a helper and that’s working out for me so why fight it
The neighbors on either side of us have both mowed their lawns twice this week. I think we’re in the middle of a turf war.
I won’t say I neglect my appearance but I will say I just shaved my legs at my desk after wearing a skirt to work.
i show up for work with my head stuck in a turtle neck sweater with eye holes cut in it
[my laboratory]
ME: I’VE DONE IT!
MOUSE WITH EAR GROWING ON IT’S BACK: Holy crap keep it down.
Damn, my printer is needy af. Always asking for more paper or more ink. I give and give and then it tells me it doesn’t think we have a connection.
I love to watch the look of panic on my husband’s face when I pull a pair of panties out of my drawer and say, “um, these aren’t mine.”
Doctor told me I only have 6 months to live, maybe 12 if I get enough likes on Facebook.
Wife: [eyes glinting] Kids are at mums tonight, know what that means?
Me:
W:
M: Cool! You get the popcorn, I’ll break out the ‘Sopranos’ boxset!
SHOPPER: which aisle has applesauce?
ME: oh, I don’t work here
*continues changing all the cheese Best If Purchased By dates to my name*
My daughter asked me for money on a FaceTime call and I pretended like the screen froze up and she tells me, “Mother, the ceiling fan is still moving.”
The student has surpassed the master
If you ever come across a bear in the wild, throw a tiny bicycle at him.
Then, just let his circus instincts take care of the rest.
darth vader: i killed three planets
thanos: i killed half the universe
voldemort: i uhh…almost killed this one kid like 7 times
thanos: a kid, really
darth vader: wow
voldemort: you don’t know the power of a mother’s love okay
I should have been a cat, bc all I do is sleep and the rest of the time I’m just weird.
is frankincense just very honest incense?
Get a red wallet that perfectly matches the red interior of your purse and have mini heart attacks every time you go to pay for something.
Him: *looking at 6 empty paper towel rolls, maple syrup, spoons, and a tennis racket on the floor*
What happened?!
Me: There was a spider.