there was a sandwich. on the edge of the counter. and now there isn’t. those are all the details. we can confirm so far. the piece of lettuce on my nose. is purely circumstantial
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Who decided that a clown popping suddenly out of a metal box would be a good toy for young children?
Please pray for my friends’ 4 yr old. I just found out that ten minutes of his life wasn’t photographed or documented on Facebook today.
*plays sleep meditation with affirmations for abundance as I drift off to sleep*
*wakes up and checks bank account*
Me: Well that didn’t work.
I stopped smoking cigarettes six years go.
I eat them now.
“If you love the bed so much why don’t you marry it?”
*imagines beautiful ceremony on the beach, me & Beddy.
No one can stop our love now.
NyQuil:
Because who doesn’t like to dream about your cat turning into your dog and your dog taking you for a walk and picking up your poop.
[to the murderer hiding in the backseat of my car]
neither this car nor this murder will go anywhere until you put your seatbelt on, mister
Friend: I’m gonna’ drop by.
Me: Sorry, my house is in the shop right now.
I had to memorize a random 18 digit password before she’d let me in. Guess who stole your Soap Opera Digest out of the mailbox, Mom?
Underwear isn’t protecting you from your pants. It’s protecting your pants from YOU! Another conspiracy uncovered.
I’ve never been to a tailgate party, but I once hung out with my grandma and her friends in the bingo parking lot for 30 minutes.
[Concert]
Singer: ARE YOU ALL ENJOYING IT?!!Everyone: YEAAAHHHHH!!!!
Me: ᶦᵗ’ˢ ᵛᵉʳʸ ˡᵒᵘᵈ
Those guys who came by the office to ask for protection money kept breaking things. Like I’m going to pay people that clumsy to protect me!
I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wrapped in Christmas lights standing in the mirror.
[Victora’s Secret]
Wife: You’re the most supportive person I know.
*A person made of bras walks by*
Me: Um what about that guy?
A cartoon by Sam Gross from 1998, in honor of our 90th Anniversary Book of Cartoons:
Ok people, they don’t need to see your car from space- it might be time to tone down those headlights a little bit.
[being buttered]
Me: are you sure about this
Murderer: [stops buttering] you know what I brought the wrong knife
You called me “muffin”….did you mean blueberry or chocolate chip?
Gonna serve James Bond a stirred martini just to see if he even notices, that pretentious little shit
Wife: I’m leaving with the kids if you don’t stop pretending our house is a hospital
Me: That would be great, we really need the beds
*Ancient Egypt*
Me: My abacus won’t work
IT: Hit giant eye + guy holding snakes + big ass bird
Me: Nothing
IT: Okay, reset *shuffles abacus*
like last october and the one before that gotta go to human resources for talking in dracula
Guy 1: I do a poor impression of Sean Connery.
Guy 2: Shame.
My husband is taking me out on a trail today for some fun. If it doesn’t involve me riding a horse through the woods to view a dead body, I’m gonna be pissed.
My daughter plays recorder now and practices every single day, so yes, I believe in karma. I’m not even sure what I did, but I believe in it.
I’m at doc’s office & they have 3 designated areas: flu like symptoms, stomach virus symptoms, & kids. I don’t want to catch any of the 3.
THE GUY WHO INVENTED FIREWORKS: i’m gonna kill god.
Told someone what city I live in.
“Oh are you married to a doctor?”
“No. My husband is though.”