there was a sandwich. on the edge of the counter. and now there isn’t. those are all the details. we can confirm so far. the piece of lettuce on my nose. is purely circumstantial
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It’s cute that kids think they’re safer with the light on, when actually it makes you more vulnerable and easier to spot.
Took our kids to see Santa tonight at a local restaurant that lured us there with “adult spiked hot chocolate”. My 10 yo saw Santa walk in and go up to the bar “oh no! Santa’s an alcoholic!!” So that went well.
One of the greatest gifts my kids have given me is my high tolerance for alcohol.
looking for a 5 bedroom 3 bath house for $30
If the cat climbs into a house guest’s lap, I like to freeze and whisper, “Are you feeling okay? She only does that with those who are dying.”
Current beard: Outdoor woodsman
Current body: Indoor couchman
You want me to be your daddy? Then close the damn door, we’re not heating the outside!
My wife’s been recovered from COVID for over a month and she still insists that it’s safer for me to sleep on the couch.
A wise man once told me,
“Sir for just 50 cents more, you can add cheese to that”
Tonight I realized that I gaze at cheese in much the same way that first time mothers gaze at their newborns
Telling my wife I’m taking her someplace fancy is my way of getting 4 hours to myself while she gets ready.
The Internet lets the world instantly know my thought but…they can’t make a microwave that I can put metal in.
Someone isn’t trying.
8 ways to manage anger:
– scream into tapestry
– incoherent accusations
– threaten France
– try to shoot lightening from finger tips
– wine
– hurl Spaniards into the Thames
– cake for you and no one else
– new wife
I never understood why chefs wear white.
I go in the kitchen to get a glass of water and come back with five stains on my shirt.
Dating advice: Don’t just tell her you have diarrhea, show her
Doctor: I’m afraid you have high blood pressure. I suggest cutting back on your sodium intake.
Me [sipping ramen broth out of a Starbucks cup]: Okay, explain to me what sodium is again.
*naked in boots*
Omg I’m gonna win this Shrek costume contest
It’s so cute how my kids think I’m going to go look for them after I finish counting to ten.
I inform my 4 year old that she’s going to a friend’s house 5 minutes before we leave so she only asks me when we’re going 6000 times.
Pro tip, if you go to a therapist and are in the waiting room, never EVER put on a fake prison accent and ask another person “So what’re you in for?”
What’s a moderation, and how do I drink in one?
[in Batmobile]
Superman: Hey
Batman: Sup?
S: Promise you won’t be mad?
B: [sighs] I asked if you had to go before we left the Batcave!!
Don’t leave me alone.
Alone: I have a boyfriend.
Me: ‘Alexa, set the timer for 90 minutes.’
Alexa: ‘What are we burning tonight?’
3: I’m going to say hi to that boy on the bike
Boy rides by & she waves shyly after he passes
3: He didn’t hear me
Me: Flirting’s hard
Everyone complains about the weather but noone’s sacrificing a virgin to change it either.
Nothing makes me scream louder during sex than when my husband calls to let me know he’s on his way home from work.
[SyFy pitch meeting]
Me: A hurricane of cats! PURRICANE!
Producer: Hmmm
Me: A tidal wave of cows! MOONAMI!
Producer: I’m gonna say no
Me: An earthquake of ducks! EARTHQUACK!
Producer: Please leave
Me: *being dragged out by security* FLYPHOOOooon
The crows I feed every day attacked a UPS delivery guy that startled me so I guess I now have my own little squad of personal assassins.
I always sharpen my guest bed of nails before my mother-in-law comes to visit.