There was a sense of accomplishment finishing the daily newspaper. I literally have no idea when I’m supposed to stop reading the internet.
You Might Also Like
do horses think humans are hats
Last night my 4yo said a prayer for all the people in the world including “Africa, Asia and Syrup.” From now on, I will be referring to Europe only as Syrup.
If you ever feel dumb, take comfort in knowing I was listening to music on my airpods while vacuuming and did 3 rooms before I realized the vacuum wasn’t even on.
Fairies dart around the room to collect eraser shavings of mistakes you’ve made from the day. “I can’t carry anymore”, complains one. “How can this all be from ONE person?!” cries another, sweating profusely.
Mother in law just said global warming with air quotes. It’s going to be a long night.
My son’s doing a report on the Cold War and asking what ended it. “I’ve got that answer right here,” I say. *starts Rocky IV dvd*
UBER DRIVER: Where to
ME: One sec. Siri, where the best place to dispose of an uber driver’s body
SIRI: The bog
ME: nearest bog please
you telling me a banana nut in this bread
Girl: My dog bit my boyfriend.
Me: Your dog is a good judge of character.
Mice are just frozen Mwater.
Although I’ve been disappointed by some of the things cartoons promised yet failed to deliver, I must say I am relieved that my eyes don’t badoing out of my head whenever I see a fine lady.
[planning heist]
leader: the security guard will take his break from 3:15 to 3:30 so that’s when you will-[notices my disapproving expression] what?
me: that’s when I take my break too tho
“ICE BUCKET CHALLENGE LOL!”
-captain of the Titanic
I asked my waitress if she thought me eating alone was embarrassing and she said, “I work at Cheesecake Factory”
Me: how was school?
My daughter: ok but some of the boys decided to not wear masks and I did not need to see their faces.
If I don’t cause an explosion when I’m cremated my life has been a total waste.
Just told my two kids that I love them both equally and the one with his shoes on the wrong feet totally bought it.
The only thing I do to get my body ready for summer is make sure my AC is serviced.
To me, the worst part of the prostate exam is when the doctor says, “Guess how many fingers.”
name a hurricane “Jesus” cuz then u could say “Jesus is coming” & have unaware ppl frantically prepare for rapture
*in a job interview*
No no it’s not a teardrop tattoo it’s supposed to be sweat. It shows I’m a hard worker
[hotel room]
Her: why are you making the bed
Me: I can’t have housekeeping thinking we’re slobs, Karen
Today I saw a house that has a little replica of itself on the outside for some reason but THE LITTLE REPLICA ALSO HAS A LITTLE REPLICA WHAT IS THIS
There’s no such thing as detoxing your body, but enjoy spending three hundred bucks on your diarrhea.
“What about this? What about this? And this?”–me, taunting museum curator MC Hammer.
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend obviously never had a burrito.
I can’t wait for thanksgiving. It’s an election year so that means there will be at least 4 fist fights and someone’s getting disowned.
me: truth or dare
government: truth
me: is Wyoming real
government: dare
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: ….Punches 6yo in the face.
Me: Woah,what the hell was that for?
8yo: He knows.