Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

principal: your resume says you only teach subtraction?

me: I just want to make a difference

My 3-year-old said she wished we had a pet. I reminded her we have a dog and wow the genuine surprise on her face as it dawned on her that our dog is a pet and not just some other guy who lives here.

Me: Can you bring back Prince?

Genie: I can’t bring people back.

Me: Okay how about make it so my back never hurts again?

Genie: Who was that dead guy again?

[On a date]
Him: I love a woman with a sense of humor, I’m a sucker for a good pun.
Me: omg same. lol Jeremy if you were sliced up into little pieces and soaked in coffee liqueur and then layered between ladyfingers you’d be a jeramisu.
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: jeramisu

4-year-old: Can you do what you want at work?

Me: No, I have to listen to my boss.

4: Mom is at your work?

My dentist just looked in my mouth and said something is gonna have to come out. I suspect he’s talking about my wallet.

I finished my iced coffee even though all of the ice had melted, so I’m really crushing my water intake today

she left me for good. what am i suposed to do now?
“…there ar plenty of fish in the sea”
OK DUDE FOR THE LAST TIME IM NOT GONA DATE A FISH

me, to my kid: you have a job- you eat breakfast, you get dressed, brush your hair and teeth and put on shoes

my kid: I hate my job. I wanna quit.

I’m a low maintenance girlfriend. Just bring me a bouquet of cats.

Anyone else think it’s weird how cancer kills more people than any other astrological sign

I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo

when i met him, i should’ve recognized the red flags because he immediately wanted to move in with me. 11 months later he still has no job or money and i can’t do anything without him watching my every move.

like, i know he’s my son but he’s gotta get it together.

Once I heard a guy who climbed Everest say he did it, “Because it was there” and I just feel like the reason for undertaking one of the most strenuous feats in human existence should be different than the reason I ate an entire gallon of ice cream.

Better “copulate” than “copunever.”

I mostly do what I want, but sometimes the US court system has an opinion.

guys I’m going home

*flirting with a guy at work*

Soooooo, what do you do for a living?

WIFE: The police are at the front door

ME: *hiding a bag of donuts* Do they look mad?

My wife asked me today if I would ever cheat on her. I replied, “Who else would I cheat on?”

Me at 20: I better stretch before I do a work out so I don’t strain my hammys!

Me at 40: I better stretch before I go to sleep so I don’t strain my neck.

Not to brag…

… but practically all of my arrest warrants are considered ‘outstanding’.

[praying mantis first date]
Female: You seem to have a good head on your shoulders.
Male: Yeah well, you know, saving it for marriage.

I’m one of those lucky people that can eat whatever they want and not put on any clothes.

Staying off twitter is harder than eating water with chopsticks.

Wife: your birthday is coming up so don’t buy yourself anything for the next month

Me: ok I won’t.

[mini-horse walks through the kitchen]

Wife:

Me: starting now.

My kids always seem to underestimate the length of my freakishly long arms when they start a fight while I’m driving.

That time I tried to clap while doing a push-up and almost died.

*plane starts to crash*
Don’t worry, Jesus is my co-pilot
*looks over to see Jesus jumping out with the only parachute*
Well hell

At my funeral, I’m stipulating in my will that after the eulogy is read the crowd can have 15 minutes for rebuttal, just to be fair.