There was a sign at work that said, “NO MICROWAVING FISH” which is crazy because I can’t think of anything cuter than a teeny tiny fish waving
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HELLO, 911? I’M FALLING DOWN AN ELEVATOR SHAFT. YES, RIGHT NOW. VERY SLOWLY, THAT’S HOW. HOLD ON, SOMEONE JOINED. WHOA, NOW WE’RE FALLING UP
Please don’t call it man flu. Its correct name is manchester flunited.
Breaking up
(be mature, be mature, be mature)
Me: (eating chips) you can’t use the carpool lane anymore.
Cinco de Mayo means five of mayonnaise in Spanish.
This is what happens when people grow up without watching Final Destination.
Currently working on a diary full of lies. I want my loved ones to read it after I die and be like “wait what”
My favorite part of The Nun Is when the priest goes “You’re gonna need a bigger nun.”
coroner: it’s natural, just air escaping the body
my wife: could we remove the kazoo
didn’t think I was even that high until I met buzz aldrin in the mirror just now
Body: time to sleep.
Brain: hey that’s an interesting thought, here’s six billion more.
I just finished an eye exam and the receptionist asked me if I’m free on this same date next year for a follow-up appointment. Dude, I walked in here wearing my wife’s glasses because the prescription is close & I ran out of contacts–do you think I know what I’m doing next year?
I really hate working late. My ride turns into a pumpkin and I always end up losing a shoe.
7:43 pm: I am in an argument with my girlfriend and my anger is justified
7:51 pm: I have just apologized for the Salem Witch Trials
An octopus approaches his arch enemy the cat with a gun in each arm. He hears a soft chuckle: “You’re one short, my friend.”
My kids can’t find any clean clothes because they packed them all for a trip. We leave in 5 weeks
All of my loved ones know, that if I ever use the phrase
”He seemed nice, but he was a Capricorn” in a call, they need to get the cops involved, ’cause I’ve been kidnapped.
“You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take”
Obituary: died of Malaria, Small Pox, Polio, & the flu
Therapist: what do we do when we are angry?
Me: we yell at people and then apologise later
Therapist: what do you need me for?
I always go the extra mile at work. That’s why I’m a terrible taxi driver.
Me at 12: I can’t wait to be an adult so I can buy whatever I want with my money.
Me at 36: If I wait until it goes on sale and use my coupon, I can buy scented trash bags.
My son came out as gay recently, I told him that it is all OK (of course) and that I always knew. Truth is I didn’t have a fucking clue. I thought the other one was gay, and he’s now had three kids with three women. I’m the owner of the world’s least accurate Gaydar.
They say do one thing every day that scares you, which is why every single day, I get a colonoscopy
Pretty much. 🤣
When someone tells me, “I think of you as family,” I assume I’m about to be yelled at for something that happened 10 years ago.
Have you ever considered shaving that beard and gluing it to your bald spot?
…
Oh! You meant a question about the job position!
I wonder if the people who camp out in front of stores for Black Friday sales realize there are online sales too.
me: [banging head on wall]
wife: honey is something wrong
me: [sobbing] I’M A SHITTY WOODPECKER
My handwriting looks like a fiddler crab riding a tricycle. No, FIGHTING a tricycle.
Failed Pickup Lines:
“Baby, my memory may be selective but I’m not.”
Suddenly your entire body starts to vibrate. To your horror you realize it’s vibrating to the melody of the Benny Hill theme. This goes on for 2 hours, then it stops.
‘That’s enough punishment for now’, I whisper to myself, and put away the kazoodoo doll…