There was a sign at work that said, “NO MICROWAVING FISH” which is crazy because I can’t think of anything cuter than a teeny tiny fish waving
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imagine if bumblebees made full-volume harley davidson noises. this is the only thing that could possibly improve them
Who called them “priests” instead of “weapons of mass instruction”?
Is that a sweet potato in your pants, or are you just oddly shaped?
We got in the car, and my husband said we’re gonna do a quick stop at Costco. I didn’t even do my hair! If you’re gonna take me on a date, please tell me first. I’m so mad rn. Smh I’m gonna be eating my churro looking like I belong at Walmart.
There is a school auction tonight, but I don’t know if I’m ready to buy a whole school
sorry, eggs benedict are way too fancy for me. bring me some eggs steve
can’t stop thinking about pink camo as a concept. the lore of where you’d need pink camo to survive the wilderness under cover. I want to go to there.
Mind: I still feel like a 20 year old…
Body: LOL.
I started writing a joke about Harry Houdini. But the punchline escaped me.
If you read enough tweets you can tell the approximate time the tweeter switched from coffee to alcohol
This is hilarious….
when no one’s looking worms use shovels to dig
Due to Corona, we officially have three days of the week
1. Yesterday
2. Today
3. Tomorrow
When a millenial asks why everyone in old photos have red eyes I tell them they were too young to remember the great demon uprising of the 1980s.
Me: Do you love me?
Husband: What did you break this time?
[sees girl reading The Catcher in the Rye]
“Ah I love that book. The way he just [clenches fist] catches all that frickin rye.”
“We’ve got company.” Unwelcome news in a car chase. Scarcely better on your front porch.
You are not alone 💚
Police: Sir, you account is hacked.
Me: Twitter?
Police: No, bank account.
Me: Oh, thank god !!
People be all walking and sneezing openly like it is 2019
[a person with cold hands]
DONT YOU DARE TOUCH ME WITH THOSE
[a dog with cold paws]
POOR BABY COME HERE I WILL GIVE YOU ALL MY BODY HEAT
“what do you do for fun?”
“oh…lots of things…like…like…” *backs slowly away until i fall off a ledge*
A Lunch Poem:
Some people buy theirs in local food shops,
While others eat donuts (especially cops).Some jerks heat fish that they bring in a bag,
And stink up the kitchen, making me gag.Me? I’ll check the fridge on a hunch
That Glenn from Accounting brought a good lunch.
Me: But the sign says ‘no shirt, no shoes, no service’
Clerk: Pants are implied
Puts cardboard cutout of myself at my desk a week ago*
Receives check*
Dang I just got a raise
Him: Your profile said you were Catholic.
Her: *apartment filled with cats* Maybe you read it too fast.
If youre giving mouth-to-mouth, and you don’t want to get germs, you can put a harmonica between your lips and the victim’s
“I’m not angry, just disappointed. You need to try harder. This is important! Do I make myself clear?”
“Sorry, sir. Here’s your ketchup.”
[dinner date]
Him: I think a woman should eat like a bird.
Me: {devours a porterhouse like a pteradactyl}
[santa gently waking me] you live like this?