There was a sign at work that said, “NO MICROWAVING FISH” which is crazy because I can’t think of anything cuter than a teeny tiny fish waving
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Been thinking about getting dressed since I got out of the shower 3 hours ago. It’s quite obviously not going to happen but like everyone always says, it’s the thought that counts…
[Spain, 1578]
“I’m not a witch!”
But all the cats?
“My pets!”
The broom?
“For cleaning!”
The cauldron of boiling children?
“Ok I’m a witch.”
My wife agreed to a water birth, so I’m setting up a slip’n slide in the front yard right now. I’m gonna wait at the end & catch him.
Charles Barkley sounds like a made-up name a dog would think of to get into a fancy country club.
It’s nice when my kitchen smells extra clean cause I used an entire bottle of Clorox to kill one ant.
You’re in a room with a murderer and someone who makes sandwiches with the crust end of the bread and you have 1 bullet. Who do-
“Bread guy”
Every time I see inside my neighbour’s incredibly pristine garage, I wonder what secret shenanigans he is up to in his basement.
“Good parenting isn’t giving your kid everything she needs, but rather it is giving her the tools to enable her to obtain those things for herself” I reflect as I apply the finishing touches to my 5 year old‘s flamethrower.
*drops cheese*
You: Five second rule!
Pet owners: lol
I watered my garden and then it rained so I’d like a refund please
The correct response to “I love you” is “prove it”
[hitchhikes]
[arrives safely and not murdered]This is bullshit.
Dad passed away several years ago but every Thanksgiving with the family all together I can’t help but think, you lucky bastard.
Assert dominance by getting comfy in your dogs bed whenever they get up and leave the room
breaking: schrute farms has banned kanye, no beets for him.
Maybe women decided to convince men that beards were sexy because they were sick of cleaning the washbasin after he shaved
Stop asking “What ELSE could go wrong?” The universe doesn’t understand that it’s a rhetorical question.
going into to sephora and putting some lipstick on my collar to make my gf jealous
Of course my days are numbered..
That’s how calendars work.
Husband uses any old plate for family members.
Also husband uses the best plate for the cat.
Sure the pilot says “feel free to move about the cabin,” he doesn’t mean it.
Satan: it’s just… people usually ask for something a little more substantial in exhange for their soul
Me: *straining to reach the remote* are you going to hand it to me or not??
she’s going to make a soup or a hearthy stew perhaps
Now that Fox News is 18 can we send it to Iraq?
If any cheetahs are reading this, please do not eat my son.
“Son, would you like to go to college some day, or would you like to keep ordering guac? Your choice.”
therapist: what’s your earliest memory?
me: crying for my mom
therapist: so around what, five?
me: nine this morning
God never gives you more than you can handle. But I’m not God. I’m just a bag boy. And you’ll wanna take these groceries out in the cart.
*Refuses to go to the gym
Adds resistance training to workout list.