There was a slight misunderstanding, and my kids are out in the yard looking for rabbits, but whatever keeps them busy
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My husband just showed me two pairs of khakis and asked me which one he should wear tonight. This is a trick, right?
*(whispering)they’re both the same
*lady shares a wallet photo of her son*
*i pull out a 20-part accordion wallet photo set of my dogs*
Damn girl, are you an old ATM touchscreen? ‘Cause I’m pushing ALL the wrong buttons.
[forgetting the phrase ‘adopt a rescue’]
i’d like to purchase one used dog
So Canada gets an entire day? What about Narnia or Middle-Earth or Westeros or other made up places #CanadaDay
I think “How the Grinch Stole Christmas!” has given my youngest unrealistic expectations. Today, we talked about putting away the tree, and he said, “No, WE don’t have to. The Grinch is supposed to come to our house and take it away.”
I’m convinced that my soulmate is pizza
Ways to win my heart:
1) Be cute
2) Be kind
3) Be cheesecake
You have absolutely no fashion sense you wear nothing but brown every single day
UPS GUY: Just sign for the package
HIM: And a trillion dollars.
GENIE: Alright, cool, that’s your last wish.
HIM: Haha, thanks! Too bad wishing for infinite wishes isn’t allowed.
GENIE: Why wouldn’t that be allowed?
HIM: It’s… it’s one of the rules.
GENIE: I’ve literally never heard that.
Your tweets are so boring the NSA just unfollowed you.
me: *installs app that vibrates phone whenever I’m owned online*
wife: do you hear bees
A good response to any question is “what do you plan to do with this information”, especially at a McDonald’s drive-through
roman soldier: “jesus has been crucified as instructed”
emperor: “he is dead?”
roman soldier: “yes my liege”
[3 days later]
emperor: “dave, can i have a word?”
ME: is he always this quiet
WIDOW: *sobs harder*
[purge day]
*is not kind*
*does not rewind*
*returns overdue videos to blockbuster*
My therapist says my little dragon friend isn’t real. But, my little dragon friend says my therapist isn’t real, and I’ve known her longer.
[Genetics Lab]
Me: One designer baby, please
Doctor: It’s not like that, you..
Me: Please remove the pooping and crying functions
Doctor: What? No, you can’t…
Me: Give it wings and flamethrowers
Doctor:
Me: I’m gonna call her Claire
I bet you wouldn’t stand on a running horse and jump through a flaming hoop of fire for me. Yeah, that’s smart.
Dating life- Finds rose petals on the ground when I wake up
Married life- Finds my husband’s toenails on the ground when I wake up
If I ever get remarried, I am walking down the aisle to the theme song from Jaws.
DOCTOR: You’ve suffered a brain injury. It’s affected your hippocampus
ME:What? Lol sorry I was picturing hippos at college. Who are u again
When your emotional bank account is empty you have “insufficient funs”
Can’t believe there was a time someone had to make me take a nap.
Wait, Australia is 14 hours ahead of America? Thanks for the 9/11 warning!
You’d be surprised how much of parenting is reminding your children not to eat soup with their hands.
My kids think I’m going to miss them when they leave for college, but I’ll be busy drinking my coffee while it’s still hot.
Power went out in my office building & a maintenance guy said Transformers blew. Um yeah it was a bad movie buddy now what about the power??
Her: Wow, how’d you get that black eye?
Me: *thinks back to that husky raccoon lying in wait* BAR FIGHT