There was a slight misunderstanding, and my kids are out in the yard looking for rabbits, but whatever keeps them busy
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(Shoots my husband in the eye with a Waterpik)
Me: How do you like it?
Her: “chicks dig scars”
Wolverine: “damn it”
Turn that Robert Frowney Jr upside Downey Jr.
My new favourite thing is Italian mayors and regional presidents LOSING IT at people violating quarantine. Here’s an eng subtitled compilation. “I hear you wanna throw graduation parties. I’m gonna send the police over. With flamethrowers.” #Covid19 #coronavirus
[Father’s Day]
ME: I got you this meat thermometer. Hopefully it works well…
DAD: Hopefully it works medium and rare too!
*Stands at produce aisle
*Grabs GIANT zucchini
*Holds it high in the air
*Yells:
Is THIS cucumber big enough for you, honey?!?!?!
My kid is singing “Mac-n-cheese” to the tune of “Stand by Me.”
You guys just tried it, didn’t you?
Enhanced interrogation idea:
If waterboarding isn’t working, try having my mother brush their hair.
We have a Costco membership because you never know when you’ll need an eight pound bag of blue tortilla chips and a canoe.
Rich people are telling us their lack of bathing habits to try & discourage us from eating them
Girl said she wanted to have my babies so I invited her over. But she didn’t look happy when I told her to put them to bed by 8 and went out
Establish dominance by immediately asking your therapist how they feel about what you just said.
You know what? I’m sick of your attitude.
*Unfrenches your fries*
Me: . . . and why’s it called Ireland, anyway? Are they irate because their patron saint was Scottish, and never actually drove any snakes out?
Priest: *grabbing mic* does anyone have anything to say about the DEPARTED?
me: are you cool?
my armpit: good to go
me: you sure? not itchy?
my armpit: oh come on, I’m fine
me: promise me
my armpit: dude I promise
me:
my armpit:
me: ok *puts on long sleeve shirt, coat, scarf, and starts driving*
my armpit: you’re not gonna believe this
Hellocination: when you wave at someone thinking they waved at you, but they were waving to someone else.
kid: dad how do you make a bubble?
me: well son you take an asset, and you give people a reason to value that asset at a much higher price than it’s intrinsic worth, thus triggering speculative investments-
kid: *puts away bubble blower and soap*
Sometimes when life closes one door it opens another, because apparently life is trying to air condition the whole damned neighborhood.
If you don’t know me, don’t judge me. Unless you’re making me a pizza and you say
“This woman looks like she wants extra cheese.” That’s ok
Axl Rose: welcome to the jungle
The jungle: please stop bringing people here
[war]
COLONEL: The enemy is nearing…we need to turn up the heat
DAD SOLDIER: I am not paying to heat the entire war
With regard to that five second rule – do they have to be consecutive seconds?
[2 monkeys in a bath]
Monkey 1: OOOHH OOHH AHH AHHH AHAH!!
Monkey 2: If it’s too hot Colin, put some cold water in
My ex-husband’s mother invited me to lunch for my birthday and tbh, I’d rather be torn apart by wolverines and thrown into a vat of acid so naturally, I told her I’d check my schedule.
An app that scans phone lines for fax machines and sends the word “why”.
Stop folding your fitted sheets. Roll them up into a ball like the rest of us.
cop: this flat earther was ran over by a steamroller
detective: i guess you could say it’s [puts on sunglasses] really bright outside today
My doctor thinks I’m hot. He said “fever” but I’ll take it.