Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Rules for meeting a puppy:
1 be cool
2 pet it
3 do not steal it
4 stop running from the owner
5 put it down
6 this isn’t worth jail time

The water out of the bottle I stuffed into the fridge without a lid last night tasted like lettuce, and now I just have so many questions, like first of all, who bought lettuce?

Disney: okay i guess we’ll close the parks but ONLY because it’s above a category 3

Chicago launched an innovative new ride-sharing program today and the way it works is some guy stole my bike.

Diabetes was the God of sugar.

3: mom, you got a chicken I can use?

Morpheus: Take the blue pill, story ends

Neo:

Morpheus: Red pill, stay in wonderland

Neo:

Morpheus: Green pill, you learn to juggle

Neo: What-

Morpheus: This purple one is a skittle

Hacker 1: She wrote her password recovery questions.
H2: So?
H1: “Fav Law of Thermodynamics?” There’s more than one?
H2: F this. Who’s next?

Statisticly 6 out of 7 dwarfs arent happy…

I asked him about his weekend, but apparently what happens in vagueness, stays in vagueness.

watching hockey for the first time and man do all these guys have different ideas about what should be happening to that black dot.

Power is like wine coolers. Both sound fun, but nobody drunk on either one has ever made a good decision

Breaking news:

People I live with are hiding my shit. The two most effective hiding places to date:
1) out in the open
2) where I last left it

It turns out condoms aren’t 100% effective, unless you actually take them out of your wallet…

ALIEN: maybe we can teach this planet the secrets of the universe
*sees me trying to get pringles from the middle of the can*
ALIEN: or not

If you make fun of my messy car, don’t come crying to me when you need 350 hot empty water bottles.

Sorry I headbutted you, I was gonna punch you but, I was holding wine.

Barnabas had a lazy eye.

The other, however, was a real go-getter.

[sky diving]
INSTRUCTOR: questions before we jump?
ME: do u think clams ever choke on their pearls?
INSTRUCTOR: *pushes me out of the plane*

Body: time to fall asleep.

Brain: hey that’s an interesting thought, here’s six billion more.

You can tell a lot about a person
by his hot dog stand order

I knew the guy was a Buddhist when
he said “Make me one with everything”

Why do they call it a ‘reading of the will’ and not a dead giveaway?

If a deadly alligator appears in the instant after you tell your friends you’ll see them later there is literally no way to warn them

[The Twitter Breakdown of 2015]
Angry mobs storm the streets, forcing clever wordplay down the throats of unsuspecting, innocent bystanders

“I didn’t choose the thug life…” I mutter as I trim the crust off of my PB & J sandwich

“i’m going to give them a piece of my mind” no you should hang onto those you’re running out

*filling out preschool form*

1st child: She knows all of the letters and numbers.

2nd child: He knows all of the colors.

3rd child: She knows all of the swear words.

*holds a grudge*

Grudge: PUT ME DOWN!