Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I learned that when dogs lean against you it’s their version of hugging and now every time my dog leans against me my eyes start leaking.

Can’t. I’m outside getting free lasik surgery.

If I had a time machine I would go back to the Star Wars era and kill baby Darth Vader

I need to buy new window blinds, but I hate dealing with shady salespeople.

The year is 2057. iPhone 742 is released. The screen touches you.

Since when is a sweater vest not business casual?

Work is telling me I can’t wear them anymore unless I have a shirt underneath.

Imagine owning a dragon…now set yourself on fire, because that’s what it would be like to own a dragon.

Idiots

One time I knocked my hot curling iron off the sink & caught it in my open palm because I have the catlike reflexes of a dim-witted ninja.

everyone is saying “i wouldn’t touch this topic with a ten foot pole” and nobody is stopping to think about me, the guy who makes his living selling ten foot poles. my children are starving because you can’t come up with a take.

When my kids requested a song in the car, I jokingly said, “Sure OR… stay with me, Mommy could sing it for you!”

I may never emotionally recover from their critique 😭

Eating Tums is just sage-burning for your intestines.

last night I told my four year old I loved her and she said “I love you so much that if someone chopped your head off I’d carry it around forever in a bag”

The worst part about being a grown man is no one will give you piggyback rides.

“i acknowledge that i have read and agree to the above terms and conditions”

(to the tune of We Will Rock You)

I feed my dog dog food

Hip-hop is 50 years old. It wants you to stay off it’s lawn. And stop playing that music so loud.

My kid can’t remember to flush the toilet but can repeat every episode of My Little Pony, word for word

I put cucumbers, lemons, lime, and mint leaves in my water today thinking I was fancy…my one student gonna yell out and say “Ms. Luck got a salad in her water”
*students erupt in laughter*

Welcome to parenthood. You will be issued 5 overly noisy toys by people who you thought cared about you shortly.

Explained to my 9 yo how programming works:

1. You have something you want to do.

2. You write code to do it.

3. The code doesn’t work.

4. You fix the mistakes.

5. When the program works, you realize your idea was wrong.

6. You fix the idea.

7. Goto 2.

JESUS: And lo, I have fed 5000 of you with 5 fishes and 2 loaves
“AMAZING!”
“A MIRACLE!”
ME: *slowly raises hand* So do we get dessert or

which bird do you think most deserves to be punched in the face and why is it a goose

If your trust issues began with a sugar cookies tin full of sewing supplies you’re my people.

Realtors are legally required to tell you if the house ghosts are too judgy

Pspspspsps works on people too, not just cats

my lawyer: so, you wish to be cryogenically frozen & you are not to be unthawed until somebody kills that big spider in your bathroom?
me, eating a corn dog: that’s correct, your honor.

I wonder how Jeff Bezos became the richest guy in the world.

– Me as I take 47 Amazon boxes out of the house

yeah no that’s fair

Are there people that are so into beating dead horses that we had to create an idiom to discourage them from doing so?