There was a spider in the shower this morning, and now my neighbours know I scream like a cat about to crest a roller coaster’s first drop.
You Might Also Like
[dinner table]
SHARK: i got the promotion
SHARK WIFE: are you lead sharkitect now?
SHARK: *pushes plate away* my career isn’t a joke, Sharon
When someone asks me why I’m in a wheelchair, I want to say something ridiculous like, “I’m not standing up until my grandson gets a Golden Ticket to Willy Wonka’s Chocolate Factory.”
glass half empty: I just found an old banana in my kid’s backpack
glass half full: It’s only 6 days old
Just landed my first triple axel tripping over the cat
[in bed, 6 AM]
Me: Good morning.
Wife: mmmph
Me: Happy Easter.
Wife: mmhmm
Me: Guess who else is also Risen this morn-
Wife: GO AWAY
*starts the “Fight Fight Fight” chant in the background of the conference call as two people argue*
Having a daughter in middle school makes you realize every song ever written is highly inappropriate.
Eating fried cheese is the closest i’ve gotten to doing heroin.
me: when I was your age, I had to work for everything I had, your generation is just looking for handouts u lazy piece of shit
baby:
Wear only a towel around your waist and you can get into just about anywhere if you just repeat “so sorry so sorry” and keep moving forward.
Me: How’s it look?
Doc: You have 2 months to live
M: WHAT?? You’re my dentist!
D: Then you don’t need to come back for a cleaning in 6 mos
Just called the fire department to tell them that dogs pee on fire hydrants so they should probably all wash their hands.
My kids have been watching Bluey and they’ve started saying ‘oh biscuits’ instead of ‘oh shit,’ so don’t tell me screen time isn’t beneficial.
“The engine light is on” Yeah that means it’s working
Damn gurl, are you a wildfire? Because you just took my breath away
Officer pulled me over & asked if I knew what the speed limit was, like I’m getting paid to tell him his job.
why is it that if you say your favorite food is “spaghetti” you sound like a three year old, but if you say some shit like “vermicelli” i’m like “woah this guy probably goes to the opera”
Women never find it devilishly charming when I follow them into the lady’s room. Thanks a lot, “Top Gun”.
Maintains eye contact with the cashier as he rings up my gloves, duct tape, knife and tampons
Friend: how do u maintain your boyish glow
Me: [trying to keep down a mouthful of lightning bugs] I wish I could tell u
I wanted to be the last man on Earth just to find out if all those ladies were lying to me.
Hacker: Give us your password or else
30 minutes later…
Me: OK, now try 1987 and three exclamation points
I wouldn’t want lesbian parents. Not because I’m homophobic. I just don’t want to get stuck in an endless loop of “Go ask your mother.”
Detective: Where were you on the night of…
Me: Kung Fu fighting. We all were. I saw you there.
Jack: hello, beans
Beans: hello, Jack
-Jack and the beans talk
We grew up so poor we could only play duck duck.
They say it takes 10,000 hours to become an expert at something. Please. You wanna know expertise? I’ve spent over 300,000 hrs being a moron
I walked outside and my glasses fogged up so I went inside to switch to contacts and stay there until October.
gf: remember, my dad’s really into sports, so talk to him about that
me: will do
[later, meeting girlfriend’s parents]
me: so, sir, jen tells me you’re really into sports
her dad: that’s right
me: why