There was a time, a new hip joint meant someplace I would go to on weekends.
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My sign? I’m a Zebra, no grey areas for me.
Narrator: Ursula was indeed a Libra. She often confused astrology with zoology.
I’ve learned something today – “dibs” is not the appropriate response when your best friend announces their divorce.
I want my 13 year old to understand how important honesty is but also know that she is 12 when kids eat free.
The hardest part of my kid unexpectedly falling out of her chair unprovoked is waiting until her back is turned so I can laugh.
[Moon landing]
Buzz Aldrin: Who’s gonna go first?Neil Armstrong: Well I’m gonna say one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind
Buzz Aldrin: I’m gonna say check me out on this giant space ball of cheese
Neil Armstrong: I’ll go first
We should be able to take our arms off when we go to sleep, we have the technology
Me: Would you have a minute to speak about my lord and savior, nachos supreme?
Her: Sir, for the last time just tell me your order.
Dont skip breakfast! Eat a journalist! 😋
[road trip]
ME: I’m hungry, let’s stop and eat
FRIEND: I see a 24 hour breakfast place
ME: You idiot, we don’t have that kind of time
In Australia we say tuna not tuna fish because tuna cow and tuna chicken are not readily available here.
[Interrogation room after a massive Swiss cheese theft]
Detective: I gotta tell ya, your story sure has a lot of….inconsistencies in it.
*Hears a joke about a chocolate bar*
*Snickers*
I’ve requested to be buried in a spring loaded casket filled with confetti so that a future archeologist will have one awesome day at work.
Me, making a pediatrician appt for my 5yo son.
Receptionist: “What’s his birth year?”
Me: “17”
Them: “2017 or….?”
Me: “Oh yes. 2017.”
In my head: No, 1817. We’ll make the arduous journey to your office in our covered wagon.
@funTweeters Well I made a page for you…IN MY HEART. Thanks so much you guys!
So apparently going to the medicine store’s manager with a pack of condoms asking them where the changing rooms are will get you banned from the medicine store.
Me: *gets comfortable*
Life: Just one more thing …
I THOUGHT IT WAS AN EDIBLE
Judas has been acting weird the last few days.
Mike Huckabee calls Obama a “pretend Christian”, and if anyone’s an expert on “pretend Christians”, it’s Mike Huckabee.
I got a 100 dollar giftcard to Kmart and now I can’t decide which Kmart I want to buy.
Uterus: cry
Me: What? Wait, why I’m not even do-
Uterus: CRY.
*trying to awkwardly start a conversation with my barber* I ALSO like scissors.
He looks like he’s got a lot to say
To prepare yourself for having a kid: Every night before bed say to your phone “Siri, Set an alarm. Surprise me.”
I had a fountain drink at the mall today. All those pennies make the water taste terrible.
Apparently “working from home” means “dear God why can’t I stop eating”.
Just once…one time; can’t we buy a tree that doesn’t try to attack me when I come home drunk at 2am.
I hate to get all political but unity begins with universal cell phone chargers