There was a time, a new hip joint meant someplace I would go to on weekends.
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Husband: you’re in great condition.
Me: are you complimenting me or writing a craigslist ad?
Everything goes as planned when nothing’s planned.
You don’t have to seduce me with restraining orders and joyrides on the hood of your car, you had me at. “No, I was waving at my friend.”
They say you are what you eat.
I don’t remember eating an embarrassment to my family.
Underwear isn’t protecting you from your pants. It’s protecting your pants from YOU! Another conspiracy uncovered.
Her: Where ya been?
Me: At the cemetery.
Her: Someone dead?
Me: Yeah. All of them.
A gym so fancy they call it a James.
*reheats leftovers from yesterday’s dinner date*
*takes bite*
*waiter from last night knocks on window*“how’s everything tasting folks”
GUYS GUYS GUYS, I just saw this dude wearing the stupidest . . . False alarm, just a mirror.
my kid: how much venom does a scorpion store in his tail?
me: idk, want me to google it?
him: no, didn’t you go to college? you should know this
me: umm yeah i have a bachelors degree
him: oh so you’re only licensed to go to bachelor party, makes sense
therapist : are you ever worried that-
me: Yes
My wife and I have different beliefs about death. I want to be cremated when I die, and she wants to cremate me now.
She’s marrying HIM?! TODAY?!
*cut to me sprinting across town to stop the wedding but I see a good dog at the park and pet him instead*
at my local diner ordering eggs “gorilla” style and refusing to explain further
I was on a date with a girl and she said “did you notice my finger nails?” And I was like “yes” and she was like “well I have no arms”
Hello Darkness, my old frie- *the lights suddenly turn on* oh it’s like that now?
What do you call a really small strawberry? 🍓
Strawbarely.
#StrawberryDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
[couples therapy]
Me: And then he used a metal spatula on my brand new non-stick pan!
Therapist: *gasps* You’re a monster.
Years ago, I worked for a company that sold sandwiches in airports. I once got a complaint email that someone’s chicken cordon bleu sandwich was missing the chicken. I replied that “cordon bleu” was French for “not there”, and I haven’t felt that level of job satisfaction since.
[a doomsday prepper whose rations from Y2K just ran out today emerging from his shelter] hey everyone hows it going
Him: Can you decide quickly?
Me, 20 minutes later: No.
CEO: we need to cut legal in half
Legal: i’m the only one here
CEO: yep
I used to schedule naps, but now they’re little surprise parties my body throws at all hours of the day
*aliens land in America*
Alien Captain: Take me to your leader!
Me: *heavy sigh* Listen, Bro…this is kind of embarrassing, but…
The Passion of the Christ 2: Jesus in Space
He conquered the sins of the world, but can he conquer the sins of the galaxy?
You don’t wash your hands. Technically they wash themselves.
Mosquito *bites a vampire*:
Holy shit, this guy’s a whole buffet!
Once in my life I’d like a password or username prompt to be all, “Shit you’ve almost got it. You’re getting closer.”
me; I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
I did vote once but only because I thought the line was to a buffet.