There was a time, a new hip joint meant someplace I would go to on weekends.
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When I get upset, you bet the gloves come off. Problem is, underneath are softer, more delicate gloves.
[guy who’s in a bad mood until lunchtime every day] yeah im kinda weird I guess, i don’t need breakfast
I always wondered if the distinct piss smell that Burger King is known for is authentic or if it’s just a spray they use.
[emergency room]
DOCTOR: Point to what’s causing you the most pain
ME: I can’t, they’re at home playing xbox
Astronauts wear helmets to hide their tears when they discover the moon isn’t made of cheese.
At my funeral, please make my dead body do the ‘walking down stairs behind a couch’ into the grave
Me [from bedroom]: Mommmmm!
Mom: What? Why are you yelling
Me: Grandma’s trying to pinch my cheeks
Mom: Grandma’s dead hon
Me: That’s why I’m yelling
[Jesus goes over the bill at the last supper]
“Why would-[closes eyes & rubs bridge of nose]-Why would anyone order wine?”
[*planning dinner*]
Me: “What sort of desserts do you like?”
Her: “Oh, any!”
Later:
Okay I try very hard to be respectful of the gentle parenting camp but I laughed out loud at this.
If empaths don’t exist then explain how we know so much. For instance I can tell right now that you’re frustrated with me and you think I’m stupid
Can’t believe the Obama 2012 campaign isn’t using the slogan “Once you go black, you don’t go back.”
I’m not afraid of the Bermuda triangle or any triangle really. Even played at its most aggressive it’s just not a threatening instrument.
Screw an edit button I want people to know immediately when I block them
Him: There’s a snake in the house. Do you want to stay at my mom’s?
Me: How big is the snake?
Getting to watch kids discover “firsts” is really amazing, like when the 3yo announced his toy was doing a handstand with his feet
Parenting is all about multitasking. Like trying to brush your teeth while you’re rock climbing.
6-year-old: Why do cars have cup holders?
Me: For cups.
6: But you can’t drink and drive.
[breakfast]
ME: please pass the egg snow and the toast ketchup
WIFE: *reluctantly hands me the salt and jelly* you are really something else dude
I haven’t used algebra in 3x-q years
JOB INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
MARTY MCFLY: I literally have no idea.
I would be morbidly obese if food for thought was an actual thing.
Mediocrites was not the greatest hero from Greek mythology, but nor was he the worst
Humans: [being replaced by shapeshifting lizards] ok everyone be on the lookout for people hanging out under heat lamps or eating lots of crickets.
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Her: I’m a stay at home mom
Me: *leans in close* then what are you doing outside of that house
I’m tired of all this mother effing playdough on the mother effing floor.
-Samuel L Jackson, babysitting my kids
Cop: we know you’re in there.
Me in a French accent: I am not ere, I am in France.
Cop: when will you be back?
Me: je ne comprends pas
My neighbor keeps going fly fishing, but every time he comes back with just a bunch of fish. Those flies are crafty and whatnot.
I’v been catfishing my best friend Dave for the last 3 weeks. He’s gunna pay me that $50 he owes me or I’m showing these emails to his wife.
Just emerged from my Y2K bunker.
Everybody okay?