There was a time I thought Radiohead was saying “I’m a creep, I’m a widow” and one day I heard someone sing the right word and well, only a freakin’ weirdo would think widow makes sense there, right.
You Might Also Like
Is Pepsi ok?
*I pull out my phone and send a text*
*2 hours pass*
*an out of breath Dikembe Mutumbo runs in wagging his finger*
No it is not
Eye Exam Lamaze Class
Emergency
🤝
Dilated Pupils
My safe word is now just a dry cough.
wish this weren’t a scam text. would love to go
God I hate these crossword puzzles
Does anyone know a 3 letter word for “Father”?
Me: So anyway, I don’t know why people think LSD is so weird.
Three-legged, bright pink Griffin: I know, right?
Me: I like your top hat.
Heroes and Herpes are just one tiny letter different, and other things I find out when I’m not wearing my glasses.
If at first you don’t secede, try, try again.
~ Theresa May
On HGTV they can flip a house in a month and I’ve been “getting ready to vacuum” for the past two weeks.
Omg, will you pick ONE name and stick with it ffs
– my dog
What is it about a freshly scrubbed toilet that activates my bowels!?
Ex-wife died in a car wreck yesterday. Didn’t send flowers, thought might be weird to the family. That and didnt know other drivers address.
Trapped beneath the feet of a bearded giant…
Cut off from the world.
Stephen King & Pixar present:
“A BUG’S LIFE 3: UNDER THE GNOME”
Just went into a women’s restroom and lifted all the toilet seats.
My schedule can get pretty packed – that’s why I like to use Google calendar to keep myself organised. For example [scrolls down for45 seconds] December 25th is Christmas Day
When a hot chick puts a pen in her mouth, all kinds of weird shit goes through my mind. Like:
-How’s her penmanship?
-Can she do my taxes?
*Passive-aggressively skips through your selfies and only likes pics of your dog*
If you have scissors for hands, you could probably just introduce yourself as Edward, and let people figure the rest out on their own
Them: What would you do with a million dollars?
Me: Pay off student loans.
Them: And with the rest?
Me: lol “the rest.”
Just read a few inspirational tweets about courage and confidence and GUESS WHO IS GOING TO ROB A BANK TONIGHT?!!
*God, watching me lying in bed while eating a pile of doritos I spilled on my chest*
probably could’ve just made that one a mollusk
If you can read this, you’re standing too close to my iPhone!
Whoa whoa whoa… I was stalking her first buddy…
[picking up a pile of things from one room] cleaning is fun! [throwing it into a room I’m in less] and Easy 🙂
My daughter is writing a poem about our dog and she’s trying to find a word that rhymes with his name. Our dog’s name is Tucker. This will not end well.
[first phone call]
Watson: hello
Graham Bell: Eureka!! It works!! While I have you, did you know your vehicle warranty is about to expire?
he asked “what are we?” and I said toniggggght we are young
Being a little kid must be so wild. You just learned that chicken nuggets come from chickens, your mom’s brother is your uncle, and your teeth will soon start to fall out.
I’m starting to regret building that time portal. A version of me from a dystopian alternate future keeps coming back to eat my chips. He says the alien government’s killbots won’t let them have snacks, but he always shows up covered in Cheeto dust.