There was a time when all I needed was to feed my grandpa’s goldfish, play with fridge magnets, and drink a 7up with a cherry… but daylight savings ruins everything
You Might Also Like
I don’t have that many drinks. I just freshen up the one constantly.
For once I’d like the menu options to carefully listen to ME. I’ve changed too, you know.
My wife asked me what new hairstyle she should get, so I held my breath until I passed out.
[Eating wings]
Pilot: This is a bad idea
Just push go and let’s see what happens. Really, don’t worry I’ll go next. *Famous last words…
I was just interrogated by my 7yo who, frankly, was SHOCKED to discover her dad is my first and only husband and I don’t want to know what that says about me
Just one more chapter! (via @someecards)
FRENCH IS A MYTH INVENTED BY THE GOVERNMENT TO MAKE US BUY MORE ENGLISH
It’s a good thing this pandemic is almost over and we’ll be returning to the office soon because I’m almost out of Post-it Notes at home.
me: can we watch something besides basketball tonight
him: sure how about a movie
me: cool you pick
[halfway through Teen Wolf]
me: you tricked me
The Grapes of Wrath 2: The Raisins of Revenge
how are we still getting a new year? we couldn’t even take care of the last one
My son just walked into the room, said hello, asked how I was, then left.
He didn’t actually want anything.
I know! Incredible!
Oh and then I fainted.
Tomorrow’s weather forecast:
60% chance of rain, 15% chance of snow, and 0.0017% chance that none of this is real and you’re just a happy little forest gnome who nibbled on the wrong kind of mushroom.
[inventing facebook]
Everyone: My family isn’t racist.
Mark Zuckerburg: Oh ahahahahaha
My 3 year old asked how long he had to wait until he could stop listening to me. I told him he had to listen to me for the rest of his life. He looked me dead in the eyes and said, “I’ll listen to you for the rest of YOUR life.” Toddlers are cold-blooded, man.
If you know karate you shouldn’t have to pay for stuff.
AT&T had a nationwide outage, giving kids an authentic 1900s experience.
Amazing that the townspeople didn’t like Belle what with her waking up every day and calling them a bunch of simple idiots
Websites really should skip the log in screen and just go straight to the reset password screen.
Honey, someone thinks I’m subtweeting them again..
Honey?
Paramedic: *frantically beating his fist on my chest*
2nd paramedic: Tom…TOM…*grabs him* you can stop, he’s dead
Paramedic: I know, I just *exhales* hated him
[sees my husband cry as i walk down the aisle at our wedding]
hey, this priest bothering you?
How to properly use a paper clip:
1. Throw in garbage
2. Use a stapler
Summer is the perfect time to collect shells on the beach. The 20 gauge ones are especially pretty, although you can’t beat a good 45 mm.
I can’t see those guns made on 3D printers catching on.
If HP make the cartridges, it will be cheaper to buy an AK-47.
My grandma just described my grandads driving as erotic and I’m seriously hoping she meant erratic or grandma has some kinks I don’t wanna know about
January 2020: New year, new me.
May 2020: *primal scream*