@TBH42

There was a time when men expected to be your lover without getting with your friends. That all changed in 1996. Let me tell you a story…

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@FlyJ_

I don’t mean to brag, but I just completed my 21 day diet in 3 hours and 15 minutes.

@SteveSuckington

[100 year old man on job interview]

“Do you have any references?”

Sure, hold on. *pulls out Ouija board*

@NoBadHairDays2

A friend asked me how much I spend on a bottle of wine.

My response: Oh, about 20 minutes.

@FuckabillyRex

I cross-bred an octopus and a panda. Let me know if you’re interested in a pretty amazing hug.

@jergarl

Jocelyn from Facebook will unfriend you if you give her a Blockbuster gift card for her stupid baby shower.

I know that now.

@flyafuckingkite

When a seeing eye dog poops, who cleans it up? This is the kind of stuff that makes my head hurt.

@_elvishpresley_

007: the name’s bond…james bond

me: nice to meet you bond james bond

007: just james bond

me: bond just james bond

007: no my full name is just james bond

me: nice to meet you just james bond

007: you know i can legally kill you

me: no, never met him

007: *draws weapon*

@AudreyPorne

“jogging gives me endorphins”

so does shoplifting. jogging does not give you free mascara.