I don’t mean to brag, but I just completed my 21 day diet in 3 hours and 15 minutes.
There was a time when men expected to be your lover without getting with your friends. That all changed in 1996. Let me tell you a story…
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I had to cut my own toenails. This pandemic is bullshit.
[100 year old man on job interview]
“Do you have any references?”
Sure, hold on. *pulls out Ouija board*
A friend asked me how much I spend on a bottle of wine.
My response: Oh, about 20 minutes.
I cross-bred an octopus and a panda. Let me know if you’re interested in a pretty amazing hug.
Jocelyn from Facebook will unfriend you if you give her a Blockbuster gift card for her stupid baby shower.
I know that now.
When a seeing eye dog poops, who cleans it up? This is the kind of stuff that makes my head hurt.
007: the name’s bond…james bond
me: nice to meet you bond james bond
007: just james bond
me: bond just james bond
007: no my full name is just james bond
me: nice to meet you just james bond
007: you know i can legally kill you
me: no, never met him
007: *draws weapon*
“jogging gives me endorphins”
so does shoplifting. jogging does not give you free mascara.