Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

@ApocalypseBnG

How much would you have to pay a teacher to flunk your kid so he has to go to Summer School? Just planning ahead…

@chopper4jk

I hope when I get old, my motorized wheelchair is fast enough the catch the ice cream truck.

@junejuly12

I read murder mysteries for complicated plot lines, well rounded characters, and creative yet practical alibis.

@ThisLocalHater

People who pretend they don’t know me when they see me in public are the real heroes

@Smooheed

Yeah but how many of you can say you’ve managed to get your head stuck in the strings of a piano

@DurtMcHurtt

I never understood why they were called chicken tenders until I let one caress my face.

@zwina_summer

Nothing makes me scream louder during sex than when my husband calls to let me know he’s on his way home from work.

@daemonic3

My kid asked for help with her report but if I did it for her she won’t learn! So I showed how to google, change name, & print on her own.

@ShesARealGenius

Lisa never talks about her younger brother, Lava Lampanelli.

@faungirl123

Me: *winks*

Him: *googles signs of a stroke*