Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I play guitar but I only know a couple songs
Them: what kind of guitar?
Me: air guitar

why is it called “free time” when i use it to spend all my money

Pro Tip: You can disable the surveillance camera in your microwave by heating a metal fork on the high setting for 7 minutes.

My hot friend: I’ve been alternating CrossFit, yoga and running.

Me: I hear you. I have a mild cough so my abs have been sore for two days.

If I could ask God for one thing, it would probably be power equal to or greater than his own.

In an attempt to build some exercise into my daily routine, I’ve put the biscuits on a higher shelf. Boy, I’m gonna be sore tomorrow.

Having another child is like finally learning how to juggle hacky sacks and someone throws in a bowling ball.

So sick of all these stupid rules

I consider myself Christlike in that I refuse to believe my parents ever had sex with each other.

My girlfriend says she wants a fairy tale wedding. Anyone know where I can get hold of a bear costume and 50lbs of porridge?

The only recipes they have online are where I’m the one who’s supposed to buy all this stuff and then make it. That’s not what I’m looking for

*hits joint*
ahhh yes this is more like it, now I have no idea what’s going on.

[awkward silence while i drive my date home] in my defense some places let you draw on the menu

[1st day at work]
BOSS: Erm..we..have No Smoking rules here

ME: That’s great Alan [blows out smoke] most places have loads of smoking rules

I bet when humans 1st learned to eat there were a lot of mishaps. “Just tried the sand, Betty, probably a 2 out of 10. Don’t eat the sand.”

Christmas is always stressful for my family but I refuse to stop giving my brother’s wives bras

Orange: Knock knock

Apple: Who’s there?

O: Orange

A: Orange who?

O: Orange you glad I didn’t say Banana?

A: Yes! That guy is the WORST!

Why tf bills never go on sale ? Can i get a buy one get one month free or something? Damn

The full recap of tonight’s events can be heard on my wife’s podcast, “What kind of idiot doesn’t cover the chili before microwaving it?”

coworker is telling us that being a libertarian is based on facts and I’m rubbing dirt between my hands like the beginning of gladiator

Fear not, ugly caterpillar. For one day you will become a beautiful butterfly
[emerges from cocoon]
AH WTF I’M A MOTH THIS IS BULLSHIT

my roofing company has gone bankrupt. I kept saying “this one’s on the house” every time I finished a roof, how could i be so stupid

Mick Jagger: “Hey you, get off of my cloud.”

Scotsman: “Hey McCloud, get off of my ewe.”

Youtube trainer: and we’re going to repeat this exercise for thirty seconds

me: *how* many seconds???

I answer my front door in my coat, if it’s someone I want to see I say I’ve just got in and if it’s someone I really don’t want to see I say I was just on my way out, works every time.

I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.

So, when she said she wanted a ‘fairy-tale’ romance, she didn’t actually want me to eat her grandma or lock her in a tower?

Dating is hard.

Why do infants wake up crying as if they are the ones who have to go out and work!?

If you’ve been waiting me to drop a lent tweet, I tried coming up with one and gave up.

College: Now that you’re making tons of money with your degree, please donate back to us every year
Me: lol
College: lol ikr?