There was a time you couldn’t drive a computer if you didn’t have a driving license…
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A jerk is like a bad movie. You know within 5 minutes.
Me: *wandering around ‘Free Speech’ rally* “Hey, when do they give out the peaches?! Anyone?!”
My brain is a bad influence on me
In the street today, an unattractive woman asked for my number, so I gave her a fake. Still feel a bit guilty, as I’d just totaled her car.
I’m extremely good at being so close to getting a prediction right.
I’m like an Almostradamus.
Twitter is for people who don’t like to poop alone.
My waxer keeps mumbling about finding Big Foot. Probably just means he finds me mysterious, right?
[funeral]
WIDOW (sobbing): i’ll never see him again
ME: what if there was a way you could
WIFE (knowing im about to pitch my idea for Above Ground Cemeteries Inc): we should leave
The scar above my left eyebrow is from jumping out of a car to escape a Phil Collins song.
Lifeguard 1: How was your day?
Lifeguard 2: Sad, I saw a bear in lake
1: How is that sad?
2: He could bearly swim!
1:..
2: He ate 3 campers
*Myself at the doctor*
Is this test absolutely necessary?*Taking my dog to the Vet*
Whatever test is necessary, spare no expense.
VITAMIN WATER: we’re like water, but with vitamins
ME: which ones
VITAMIN WATER: well sugar is a vitamin
ME: no it’s not
VITAMIN WATER: what about blue
I just got belted in my face by a rogue piece of carrot that fell out of my sports bra while doing downward facing dog.
Wine is like tapdancing, I can never tell if it’s good or bad
When someone reads your message, then never responds, it’s just hurtful.
I mean, what else could they possibly have going on at 3 AM?
have yall ever had vietnamese coffee like ofc they won that war
Felt so bad for this dude.
Imagine showing up to your son’s high school football game and he gets killed by Hitler.
The scene from The Exorcist where she’s tied to the bed cursing like a sailor, but it’s me when getting a Brazilian.
Saying veganism is too expensive is kind of dumb because like, rabbits do it and they don’t even have jobs
“daddy, the sun has disappeared!!”
[Neil Degrasse Tyson arrives on a Segway]
“listen here you little shit”
The hairdresser asking me what special plans I have for the day like this wasn’t it
STOP ACTING LIKE THIS GROCERY STORE GIFT CARD ISN’T ROMANTIC. WHO DOESN’T LIKE FOOD?
*gets off on a technicality
Technicality: Perv.
Contents of my wallet just spilled all over the cashier’s counter, so embarrassing, spiders everywhere.
I hate it when a man uses me for sex and conversations and raising children and growing old together
Cellmate: What are you in for?
Me: The free food and healthcare
just yelled YOU DONT KNOW ME at uplifting bathroom graffiti that read “you are enough”
I don’t like to brag, but we just threw my 5-year-old a birthday party and nobody cried.
make your kid’s birthday party a special one they’ll be talking about in therapy for years
Don’t have a house cat drive you to the post office. I know that now.