there was an aquarium projector in the MRI today and they had to pause the scan twice to say “please stop moving your head to watch the fish.” i am 31 years old
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I’ll never understand why we aren’t buried in our final resting place wearing pajamas.
Wife: [1st time watching Harry Potter] wait…if Harry was a baby, both Harry’s parents died & Voldemort disappeared; how does anyone know what happened at the house that night?
Me: [watching for the 751st time]
…well shit
*first day in prison
*walks up to biggest guy
*asks for WiFi password
Yesterday I was very irritated so I read some Shakespeare and today I am sorely vexed.
I don’t want anti-wrinkle cream, I want a serum that bestows wrinkles upon my enemies.
God: I need one more rib please
Adam: No
God: Come on man, I can see the future… this is going to be a problem
Adam: I said NO
God: ugh, fine *calls McDonalds* sorry guys but the McRib is gonna have to be limited time only
When people say “what do you want, a cookie?” It’s like yeah. That would be great. Would help my mood immensely
The best thing about being an introvert is not having to wait on someone else to binge watch a show on Netflix.
Dating tip:
Girls like guys who takes control. Pick up a horse and ask “Where should I put this horse?” When she tells you, say no
Just seen my doctor about the fake pain in my leg. He’s diagnosed me with pretendonitis.
i love nyc i was hungover beyond belief and watched the nypd arrest 2 or 3 fake timothee chalamets this afternoon. perfect sunday.
Instead of intermittent fasting I’ve been trying intermittent eating and it’s working. I’m rarely hungry. The trick is to eat with dedicated regularity. Can’t believe no one else had it figured out yet.
Zumba instructor: I’m thinking of teaching yoga too.
Me, the current yoga instructor: Namaste in your lane, Chandie.
Hot single narcissists in your area want to be rude to you and then pretend nothing happened.
Woman: Ever since my mom passed, I think she’s watching over me
Mom’s Ghost: Yeah, that is the kind of stupid thing you’d believe
Confidence is sexy. Arrogance is not.
“I hope she got fat, I hope she got fat” – me looking up an ex girlfriend on Facebook.
All these self driving vehicles..It’s only a matter of time that we hear a country song about his truck leaving him
It’s bikini season, so you’re allowed to shoot bikinis as long as you have a permit.
the only thing i remember from my time in school is the teacher explaining to my 8yo self, the difference between desert and dessert. “you always want two desserts and that’s why there are two s’s”
I’m stuck in a meeting where a guy keeps saying “utilize” and “leverage” and I’m wondering if I should tell him about the word “use”.
FRED & DAPHNE: *pull the mask off old man jenkins*
JENKINS: gosh darnit if not for you meddling kids I would have survived the pandemic
The restaurant scene from When Harry Met Sally, but just me getting a pat down from airport security.
Zookeeper: This panda is on the rampage and I only have 1 tranquilizer dart
Me: it’s pandamonium!
Zookeeper: [shoots me right between the eyes]
A burrito.. in a bowl? Sure that sounds great! And while you’re at it, why don’t you rip the blankets off me while I sleep, u piece of shit
Genie: I will grant you one wish
Me: I wish to be healthy and fit in both body and mind
Genie: I said a wish, not a miracle
So true for me
When a woman says she’ll be ready in 5 minutes, I know I have just enough time to fly to space & finish building my Death Star before we go.
Who do atheists pray to when figuring out their child’s online school schedule?
Pro Tip: Use candles to set a romantic mood.
Pro Tip Addendum: don’t set the romantic mood right by curtains.