there was an aquarium projector in the MRI today and they had to pause the scan twice to say “please stop moving your head to watch the fish.” i am 31 years old
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First date:
Me: Is this it? Are we HAVING THE SEX?!?
Him: that’s a breadstick
Phone: your storage is full.
“looks at my 8,726 identical photos of last 100 years”
Me: no, I need all of these
> what do you want to be when you grow up?
[7 year old me watching Jurassic Park] a UNIX hacker!
*fast forward 28 years*
> So you’re still fixing printers then?
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“Shotgun!” I yell as I push past the others and climb into the seat.
I am subsequently escorted from the airplane.
If you call all the priests “daddy” you don’t have to go back to church.
Just think, if Aristotle would have been a cow, today we’d all be studying meadowphysics.
Don’t have a house cat drive you to the post office. I know that now.
ain’t no way there’s billions of us and nobody got superpowers
I don’t know which is worse, people stealing your tweets or people not stealing your tweets.
My wife wants me to take a walk with her today. I’ll be on a short leash though so I won’t run off into the woods like last time.
My daughter asked if we can just pretend she’s being well behaved and tbh I think it might be easier for both of us
I Tokyo drifted around a corner on black ice this morning and now I gotta swing back home for some fresh underwear happy Friday
i don’t have time to deal with the weird spots on the lawn so i threw a bag of salad over them
FB post from HS friend on pic: My boyfriend is such a dreamboat!
My comment: So was the Titanic.
“Sorry my phone died”
-something I’ve said 5,326 times but it’s never actually happened
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was taking my sports bra off.
“I don’t think being an only child affected me at all.”
I say, as I straighten my tiara, whilst eating the last cookie.
Crayons overthrow royal blue, elect sienna-tors.
Flex on the Average Person by eating 9 Spiders a Year
President The Rock Obama
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He: “I’ll catch a grenade for you.”
She: “Prove it.”
He: *Plays Call of Duty*
Stop acting like you’ve never seen someone with a pocket full of chicken nuggets before 🙄
If I could give parents one advice it would be to never tell your kids about your good hiding spot. Take that to the grave.
I love writing because it combines my two favorite hobbies: sitting and self-doubt.
Me, after 17 asked what I did today, “I paid bills, went to bank, & work. Met w/3 clients. Did an uncontested divorce, a contested div, discovery packet, and a proposed order. I sent 28 emails. I bought groceries, cleaned the house and made dinner.”
17, “Have u seen my adderal?”
ME: Can I have the job please
INTERVIEWER: I meant, like, questions ABOUT the job
ME: Ah, yes. About the job: Can I have it
My grandmother was parking on the street and I kept giggling. She finally asked me why, and I just said “paralleloGram.”
The problem with spices is sometimes they are not what you want, what you really really want…
My glasses are dirty but I don’t want to move from the couch so I guess TV’s blurry from now on
*rubs magic lamp, genie appears*
I wish for World peace.
Genie: Can’t do it.
Million dollars?
Genie: Listen bro, I lied on my genie resume.