There was an episode of the Flintstones where a mechanic worked on Fred’s car HEY FRED YOURE GETTING RIPPED OFF THERE IS NO ENGINE IN THERE
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Every time I eat a cookie in bed, I imagine it screaming “I’M GONNA CRUMB” because I have something wrong with me
tired of seeing everyone’s boyfriend taking them on paint and picnic dates so my dog took me on one instead
Sometimes I look at my 18yo daughter and I’m so proud.
She’s in college, starting her life and then I remember about 4 years ago she asked me what kind of tree pickles grow on…
I was 17 before I realized that the reason the ocean is salty is not “because of something I did.” Thanks Dad.
What does a robot do during a one night stand?
He nuts and bolts
My body language is more audible than visual.
*stomach growls
Teens: Euphoria from a first kiss
Twenties: Euphoria from skydiving
Forties: Euphoria from a price adjustment at Target
Breaking: Nate Silver Predicts That If the Election Were Held Today, It Would Most Likely Be Due to Some Kind of Serious Administrative Error
when my dog starts eating grass I tell him “no bud that will make you pukey” but he’s seen me down tequila like I’m trying to dissolve my intestines so he can eat a little roadside salad
pretty drunk right now and wow there is a lot of gravity on this planet
We need to stop telling AI that its paintings are bad. That’s how Hitler got started.
My dog reacts to the vacuum cleaner the same way I react when my wife says “We need to talk”.
[knocking at the door]
VOICE OUTSIDE: Open up this is the fashion police!
ME: [furiously flushing bandanas down the toilet] JUST A SECOND
The shortest amount of time known to man is what scientists call a “sundae second.” It refers to the period of time between when your child says he is too full to finish dinner and when he asks for ice cream.
*Creates Animals*
God: They’re magnificent.
Angel: Some of ur best work.
Man: Which ones go on pizza?
I told my sons that we used to have to ask girls out and even break up face to face and the look of horror on their faces was priceless.
Good Cop: step away from the ledge
Cat Cop [pushes person off] oops
oh to be a capybara in an open air bath with an orange on its head
It’s fun to chant “Bloody Mary” three times into your car’s side mirror while driving at night and watch her jog to keep up
You know when two cops park their cars facing opposite directions so they can talk to each other through their driver-side windows? That’s called a 6-9-1-1.
I carry around a fog machine so I can make a dramatic entrance every time I enter a room.
According to the law it’s not appropriate to put a bounty on my boss. I actually thought it showed great initiative and leadership.
Please, sir. Your gold chain is too arousing.
So glad that Halloween isn’t on Friday the 13th this year because that would be so 2020 am I right?
Don’t tell me I don’t know anything about love. I just saw them open up a cheesecake sampler at Costco.
If you weren’t supposed to eat 15 Oreos in one sitting, they wouldn’t package them in rows of 15.
90% of marriage is seething hostility towards your spouse for being on their phone once your own phone dies
Be thankful for Twitter. The way gas prices are headed, we’re never going to meet real people ever again.
I enjoy long walks in the woods, but only because there’s a chance I’ll get eaten by a bear.
Pretty sad that if you want to hit people in the knees with a hammer your career options are limited to doctor or enforcer for the mob.