Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[during sex]
him: Im so sorry. This literally never happens
[takes out telescope to watch comet]

Just because I choose not to drink doesn’t automatically make me no fun. That is a separate choice, which I’ve also made.

You’re in his DMs
I am wanted in 37 states for tax evasion

Turning on a guy is like flipping a light switch. Turning on a woman is like wiring that switch & then building a nuclear plant to power it.

That worked out so much differently in my head.

– an autobiography

Gym membership: $1180 a year
Trainer: $45 a session
Workout clothes: $400
Nutritionist: $150 per consultation
Healthy food: $450 a month

Funhouse mirror that makes me look skinny: $29.99

A blue whale is so big, that if you laid it end to end on a basketball court, the game would be cancelled.

#BasketballDay #RubbishJokes

opening myfitnesspal and crying while i log Ginger Bread House three times

Roadtripping with my family has taught me that my marriage can withstand anything except roadtripping with my family.

Me: Would you like chopsticks or a fork

My son: No thanks

Our kids are making us a special anniversary dinner and I’ve never not worked so hard in my life

If there is any indication of how this day will go, I put my shirt on backwards this morning. No biggie, except the fact it’s a button down.

Genie: last wish

Me: I wish I could fly

*poof*

Me: *in line holding an economy class ticket to Tulsa* SONOFA…

people with the flu: *stay in bed*
people with corona:

18-22 is a confusing age. I got friends getting married, some in prison, and some still have to ask their parents to stay out past curfew.

Call me old fashioned but I believe marriage should be between one person who wants to watch tv and another person who wants to watch something different on tv

Most people don’t put music on for pets when they go out, but here’s me going back in the house to change it cuz the dog only likes Top 40.

I think it’s obvious that Goo Goo Dolls and Lady Gaga should do a side project together and call it Goo Goo Gaga.

🤝

People think I’m good at keeping secrets but the truth is I’m just bad at paying attention to what you told me.

I got this “breathe” tattoo on my wrist because I don’t have a central nervous system and it’s a helpful reminder.

Ghosts are always depicted in Victorian garb which is a pretty singular view of death bc people are dying all the time, like how about a ghost from the 2000s like “being dead is NOT awesomesauce, hey what season of Firefly are they on now?”

6 more days, guys.. That’s December 26. The day everybody puts their shitty Xmas gifts on Ebay so poor people, like me, can buy them!

Tonight we’re cooking together, period. I’ll serve the cereal, you pour the milk

Me: What do mathematicians and marine biologists have in common?

Wife: Oh god

Me: They study algae, brah!

Judge: Divorce granted

How do I stay in shape? I stole an ostrich, it chases me around the house all day, i hate it

i love driving becuase it combines my love of sitting with my love of being mad

Bought a pair of sustainable
alligator shoes.
‘How do you know they’re authentic?’
‘I don’t have to cut my toe nails anymore!’

me: Guess what? Your dad’s going to be on the radio!

7yo: What’s the radio?