Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ve just had to reset my password to Delicate Luggage Handler as I was told it had to be case sensitive.

ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of their music but i was not aware they were using it to lure sailors to a watery grave by dashing their ships against the rocky coast of their island

[Carpool]

Me: Look, it’s a long commute and I only have time to eat in the car

Co-worker: But I can’t see the road over your fajita station

Me: *chewing* Sounds like a you problem

A recipe book of “traditional English meals” called ‘we’re getting the bland back together’

I hate when I drop my pen on the floor and it’s slightly out of reach so I leave it there forever.

*after sex

No, you cannot sleep over.

Husband:

a space alien in another galaxy opens a mysterious letter from the earth. as soon as he opens it a bunch of glitter falls out onto the floor. he slowly looks over at his friend, “okay, i’ve had enough of this. get into your spaceship & go destroy that planet.”

Imagine being at your therapist’s office and your card declines so your therapist spends the next hour roasting you to undo all of the progress you gained through therapy

I love when I open my dryer door and money falls out instead of my cat.

PROFESSOR: Please don’t speak without raising your h-

ME: [raises hand]

PROFESSOR: [wheeling cadaver table away from me] I meant your own hand

Me: My anxiety is out of control.
Dr.: Have you tried cutting back on coffee?
Me: Are you even a real doctor?

Mugger: Give me your wallet!
Me: Back off! I know karate.
*later*
Me: Well, he called my bluff.
Doctor: You have lost a lot of blood.

DR: Good news and bad news

LADY: What’s the bad news

DR: Your husbands dead

LADY: *crying* Oh my god

DR: *holding finished sudoku behind back* Ask what the good news is

I’m so jealous of people who live near a coastal area. Wdym you can just go to the beach on a random Tuesday?

going to the bottom of the ocean anyone want anything

Find someone who shares your values & dreams- but likes a different kind of dipping sauce for chicken strips so you don’t have to share that

My company does this icebreaker thing where every week a different person sends an email to the whole company talking about their average day, and today’s coworker started his “I wake up each day furious to be laboring under capitalism” and it has caused quite a stir.

Who called them fake potatoes and not imitaters.

wife: im pregnant
me: what? im not ready to be a mother we still have petty arguments
wife: im the mother
me: this is what I’m talking about

I’m ready to talk trash, okay who recycles?

Somebody out there is thinking of you and the impact you have in their life. It’s not me, I think you’re an idiot.

Making fun of bands that only play 3 chords when I don’t even know what a chord is.

if you ever have baby fever just hang out with a toddler for a little bit?? this kid in the bagel shop just stared at me for a full minute and then announced to the entire room “I don’t LIKE HER HAIR” parents very apologetic but i’ve made an enemy for life

Do NOT look under a teenage boy’s bed, & never, EVER ask him why he & his friends are laughing.

– two things I’ve learned the hard way

On your first day in prison, walk right up to the nicest guy in there and break his heart.

But I’m the good kind of abomination, right???

Parenting is a lot of shouting things like: IF YOU GET YOURSELF STUCK IN A BOX, YOU’RE NOT ALLOWED TO MOVE UNTIL I GET A PICTURE!

Every fifteen minutes, a teenager crashes his car due to texting and driving. I hope he gives up, because he’s obviously not good at it.

i feel like if you can prove you got below a C in high school chemistry you should be able to bring big liquids in your airplane carry on

Mud season creeps up on us every year, destroying hearts and minds as well as light grey carpeting.