There was an unattended whistle just lying in the middle of the living room floor so anyway I buried it out in the woods and now we can all move on with our lives
You Might Also Like
It was to keep our furry overlords content😉
[on a movie date]
me: wanna kiss
date: no thanks
me: *turning to the other person next to me* what about u
Sorry I speak my mind.
It’s the only one I have, so I’m using it.
Behind every HD picture of a girl, there is a
friendzoned DSLR photographer boy 😛
ME: sorry, I’m just in a really dark place right now
COAL MINER: who the hell are you
Me: clutter makes me want to burn this house to the ground
Also me: there are still 3 drops of shampoo in this bottle, better save it in case of emergency
My ex asked if I have a boyfriend, saying my daughter keeps talking about ‘Jerome’. Jerome is our roomba.
Someone needs to invent Glade Air Freshner Clit Rings®.
Why did they call them buddy cops and not palice?
It’s kinda like i’m a shopaholic but with alcohol instead of clothes.
wife: are you still reading that stupid dorothy and scarecrow wizard of oz fan fiction
me: i’ll have you know 50 shades of hay is a true literary masterpiece
Do that thing I like.
Husband buys an extra pack of ibuprofen. Just in case we run out.
I’ve developed a rash from my wedding ring, which can only mean my body is rejecting marriage.
INTERVIEWER: says here you were fired previously?
ME: yeah, I tried putting pizza in the copier
INTERVIEWER: [excitedly] did… did it work?
So it’s not a good idea to shoot finger guns at a man that’s driving an armored truck. I know that now.
Why do we say “say it don’t spray it” and not “stop talking spit”?
Spelling bees. Why aren’t other competitions called ‘bees’? The Football Bee. The Great Cooking Bee. The Presidential Bee. Send.
There’s always someone who says “must be nice” when they hear a coworker is off from work and like…my guy, you know you can take days off too right?
If I was a zombie I’d be selective about which brains I ate.
Some of you would be empty calories.
Well, like I said to my television the other day. “How can these people be so stupid?!?”
Me: Whatcha doing on the PC?
Daughter: Looking at peckers.
M: WHAT?!?
D: Science project on chickens.
M: Oh.
D: You walked RIGHT into that.
I work out by ordering a small drink at Burger King, then get up 100 times to refill it.
Why are ranches the only house with their own condiment? I demand bungalow sauce!
How To Ride An Escalator:
-Step 1
-Now Just Chill for a Bit
17: Do you know what school Scooper goes to?
Me: Who?
17: Scooper.
Me: Again, who?
17: Landlord’s son.
Me: COOPER?!
17: I thought it was Scooper, I’ve called him that for 5 years.
She said we needed to talk and…
I said, “Yeah, I think we should break up, too.”
She said, “About where to eat.”
“Oh,” I said, “Pizza?”
Maid of Honor speeches shouldn’t end with, “I’ll see you all at her next one.” I know that now.
COP: PUT YOUR HANDS UP
OCTOPUS: They’re tentacles
COP: OK PUT ALL 8 TENTACLES UP
OCTOPUS: Two are my legs, dude
COP: Just go. I give up.
i make my smoothies with a handful of kale, parsley, cabbage, broccoli, lemon zest and ice and blend it all in the garbage disposal.