there was another, tinier cement truck inside
You Might Also Like
[at the bar]
Her: My break up has been so hard…nothing could possibly hurt as much as this!
Sticks A Knife In People Steve: Lol
Planning on buying my daughter a Volvo so she’s safe but with a mismatched door so she gets the struggle.
I’m at my most Liam Neeson when my food is missing from the employee fridge.
GIRL: daddy look it’s a killer whale
WHALE: for your information I’m only a suspect at this point
Judge: so your petition says irreconcilable differences
Me: yesterday he wore Nike shoes with Adidas socks
Judge: divorce granted
One time in chemistry I hid my lab partner’s beaker and he turned into a mad scientist.
[speed dating]
Me: Periods.
Her: Huh?
Me: Do they go inside the quotation mark or outside?
Her: In the US or the UK?
Me: Let’s get married.
Martial arts movie, starring me
Master: You wish to learn to fight?
Me: Yes
Master: The training is very difficult
Me: Oh then no
The End
Everyone has at least one closet that feels like it was set up by Kevin McCallister in Home Alone.
I just opened the closet to get the vacuum cleaner and a muffin tin fell on my head, two sheet pans landed on my feet and a broom handle tipped out and impaled me in the stomach.
I’m so scared of shoplifters I immediately shoot anyone who walks into the store. I don’t even work here.
If you can’t think of a word say “I forget the English word for it”. That way people will think you’re bilingual instead of an idiot.
“Tim’s coming tonight”
“Tim with hooves for feet or Tim that likes to bang coconut halves together?”
[in the distance] clip-clop clip-clop
We’re gonna catapult that guy into next Tuesday!
Pedant: Actually…
[pedant being being hurled across the sky via trebuchet]
Of course it’s you and not me. I’m freaking amazing.
Whoever named frogs got it 100% right. Those things are frogs
I saw a younger couple walking and holding hands today and it reminded me that I need to buy a bottle of vodka.
My wife and I were happy for 24 years. Then we met.
I really love how squirrels get extra chubby heading into winter mostly because it’s super relatable
That tattoo of wings on your back are good. But wings that small could hardly get you off the ground though. *reveals full body wing tattoo*
Toddler: I have a cute fat belly, you have a fat belly
Me:
Dons gloves and bandana.
Saunters into restaurant.
THIS IS A TAKE OUT!
I get it, artificial Christmas tree. I also can’t fit in my pre-Christmas box.
If somebody stops to ask me directions, I give them directions to my house. see you in twenty minutes new best friend.
911: what’s your emerg-
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
911: …why would you interrupt me like that?
imagine going to a job interview then they pull out a hotdog, dip it in ketchup, and begin taking notes
Instead of saying you lost your eyesight due to an explosion while you were making meth, just tell people that you were blinded by science.
JUDGE: Where’s your lawyer?
ME: I don’t have one.
JUDGE: So are you defending yourself?
ME: Is that an option?
JUDGE: Yes.
ME: Okay *swings at bailiff who ducks and tases me immediately*
If you’re asked, “What’s your biggest weakness” in a job interview, just be honest and say carbs.
Normally I’m a curmudgeon who doesn’t think young people have anything worthwhile to say, but then today a 20 year old changed my mind when she told me I looked 10 years younger than I am.
dividing 75 by 2 to get 37.5……. awful experience. wouldn’t wish it on anyone