there was another, tinier cement truck inside
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I could make a sandwich before a British person finishes saying “et cetera.”
I don’t know what happened but the entire pan of brownies is gone and I only had 4,500 slivers.
love that every recipe article begins extended background context now. i came here to learn how to cook, but now i’m 6 pages deep into pancake lore. it’s the lord of the rings’ appendices for the modern age.
IT guy: How much Internet do you need?
My folks: 10,000
Husband: Let’s coordinate a time when we can go to the gym together.
Me: There’s a weights class I’ve been wanting to try.
Husband: You could use some cardio too.
*****
Services will be held at 7pm/6 Central. In lieu of flowers, please donate to your local pet shelter.
The hardest part of potty training my puppy is shitting outside with him so he can learn how to
it’s really cute when pets sigh. like what ails u lil buddy
*runs into san francisco restaurant* THE KALE WASN’T LOCALLY SOURCED
*sound of 100s of ubers smashing into each other outside restaurant*
In honour of Agatha Christie, turn off all the lights and kill one of your work colleagues.
5: I need you to give me some money.
Me: Why?
5: Let me worry about that.
Offered my barber $50 for the cape thingy he puts over me. I’ll never eat an office hotdog loaded with mustard in fear again.
If you refer to your air guitar using air quotes, does that mean you have a real guitar?
There should be a Jaws sequel where the shark finally gets arrested for his crimes and goes to jail.
WORK TIP: Respond to all your boss’s emails with “Heyyyy you!”
Marriage is not a noun; it’s a verb.
Kinda like crying, screaming, or dying.
“Veggies?” The subway sandwich artist looks at me smugly. He knows I only want meat & cheese. He knows I fear the judgement of the line behind me. His hand hovers over the pale, wet lettuce. A bead of sweat drips down my forehead. The air between us crackles
You were the one.
Me: I’m so sick and I can’t taste anything
Disgusting cough syrup: Wanna bet?
I should have seen this breakup coming…. The nicest thing she ever said to me was,
“Oh wow, that car almost hit you.”
If someone calls me “boo” I automatically assume they’re trying to scare me.
thank god the sign was there
I burnt my tongue and now everything tastes like a 9v battery.
asked where the oysters were from and the waitress said “the sea”. never change, atlanta
If my name was Dave I’d text my friends today saying “IT’S FRIDAVE! LET’S PARTY!”. They’d be sick of me by Tuesdave.
Honesty is a bit of a red flag for me. Like woah! What are you not trying to hide?!
Before I check out of a hotel, I like to scrub the toilet, clean the shower, strip the bed, and leave a $700 tip for the maid so it feels like I’m staying in an airbnb
Can’t believe I went on a date with someone who did a background check on me and casually spent the rest of the night reciting facts about me to me, and then proceeded to continue going out with him.
You can tell Charles Manson really loves his fiancée by the way he hasn’t murdered her.
Bad news.
Jim Morrison is dead.
[Being kidnapped]
Me: i can feel it.. Stockholm syndrome
kidnapper: its been 10 minutes
me: should we invite your brother to the wedding?