Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Did it hurt? When you saw the candy you bought yesterday going half price

My bachelor party always end with a wedding.

Before you commit to a dog name, go outside at 6:30 AM with no bra on and see how it feels begging that name to poo.

Some days you’re the dodgeball, some days you’re the face

ME: [slowly peeling back sock] It hurts so bad doc, is it gangrene?

DOCTOR: [leaning in with tweezers] Hmm, I see, it appears to be… a red Lego

The sun really clocks out for the day before I do that’s insane

*takes 5 more shots*
liver: wyd
brain: wyd
stomach: wyd
me to an ex: wyd

SON: Can we have ice cream for dinner?
ME: [already ate all the ice cream for breakfast] Sorry kid, that’s not a proper meal

Apparently you’re not supposed to tell “That’s what she said jokes” during the Board meeting because it’s “inappropriate”

Websites: “Please choose a password with 12 characters, three symbols, no spaces, no repeated letters, and nothing you’ve used in the last 6 months.”

ATMs: “Four numbers is cool.”

Interviewer: So why do you want this job?

Me: I don’t. I just need money.

[Waiting at the dentist]

*leans over to stranger*

I’ll clean your teeth for half price.

I am a:
⚪️ man
⚪️ woman
🔘 goose

Looking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 bread

My husband: JUST TRUST ME
Me: Uhh you wanted to name both of our kids Atomic

I couldn’t work at Popeyes… I’ll be walking around my whole shift with drumsticks and thighs poking out of my pockets…

That moment when the woman ur dancing behind bends over so u can grind &u realize she lost an earring & nobody in starbucks can hear ur iPod

That’s fair

I hope that when the zombies finally do come, they’re all dyslexic and they only go after Brians.

Ronald McDonald and the Burger King have been battling each other for decades. Which is odd, because you’d expect it to have been a *looks at camera* FAST FEUD

Sorry the edible underwear weren’t edible anymore by the time you tried to eat them. It was a long drive to your apartment.

I have patio furniture in the friend zone.

My 4-year-old Nephew told me a school friend gave him her address so he can go over for play dates.

The address:

Ended my night saying “Stay goofy!” to a Waffle House waitress, and she replied: “You KNOW I will!”

All this data mining and Facebook still can’t tell me what to get my wife for her birthday.

Walmart: Did you find everything you were looking for?

Me: Well, I couldn’t find-

W: *finger to my lips* Shhh! I don’t actually care.

48 hr deodorant only lasts 8 hours. Welcome to my TED Talk.

Me: If I’m guilty of anything, it’s hating the way you change the subject

Judge: And all the murders you did

Me: There you go again

shout outs to the guy at work tonight playing pool with his friend who asked me to play “Everlong” by foo fighters so he could “power up”, followed by his friend very sweetly and very earnestly asking me not to play it because he would “power up”

There is nothing like a little tomato soup to soothe the soul, even if it’s cold, over ice, with a celery stalk and vodka.