There was no Internet when I was a kid. If you wanted to talk to a pervert, you had to go find one.
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My wife got an organic, free-range, non-GMO, antibiotic-free turkey for Thanksgiving — and every one of those adjectives added 20 bucks.
absolutely love it when i spend all morning crafting an email so professional and precise it is essentially endorsed by the better business bureau only for dave from accounts payable to reply “ok” in size 45 comic sans
Watching drunk twins fight.
The similarities are staggering, and striking.
sad day today because:
1. my fish in the aquarium is missing.
2. my cat won’t eat his dinner.
Am I the only one who gives people in my neighborhood names they don’t know they have? a.k.a. “Running Man”,”Mustang Bob”, “Blue truck dude”
Me: What time are we leaving?
Wife: In 3 or 4 hours
Me: Ok, I’ll be waiting in the car
*at a family reunion, jesus pours a drink and hands it to santa claus*
so, how are we related again?
If you watch Wall-E backwards its about a little robot that would rather live alone forever than deal with fat people.
Wife: *falls in volcano*
Me: You ok, honey?
Wife: Ya. Can you toss me a blanket?
My mom [on the phone]: Hi I can’t talk long
Narrator: But she can. She CAN talk long
When children, who are hoping for your death so one of them can claim your throne, bring you brekkie in bed, don’t eat it. #FathersDay
Rocky is my favourite movie about beating meat
What is with the people who leave the most random product reviews?!
⭐- – – –
The sales clerk was wearing a red shirt. I don’t like red, especially when it’s cloudy outside. That’s why I gave this air fryer 1 star.
Sad how shallow some women can be. I was informed the girl I like said she’d NEVER date a guy w/ a job like mine. Sorry I’m not some hot shot lawyer or doctor. Idk, maybe embezzling money from a children’s cancer research fund isn’t the most prestigious job but it pays the bills
You can make up any word you want in conversation and if you use it in a dilsationary way, people rarely question the meaning.
Me, walking around the limbo bar: Imbeciles
If I got a dollar for every time I thought about you, I would start thinking about you
The legends speak of a third Duran…
This is the angriest post I’ve seen on Twitter in a long time.
Girl Scout was out of Thin Mints and Samoas and tried to guilt me into taking those bullshit Trefoils off her hands.
FIND ANOTHER SUCKER, AUBREY.
The priest said that the demon really wants to leave, but I’m way too clingy, so the exorcism didn’t work.
They’re not called “butt hole mirrors.” They’re called “hand mirrors,” according to this clerk at Walgreens.
I like to make things awkward at family gatherings by walking up behind each person and whispering ‘I know what you did last Christmas’
My 20 year old cousin got his own apartment and it’s going pretty well
Actually resolved an argument between my wife and my 16 year-old daughter. Now being deployed to the Middle East to broker peace.
skinning your knee as an adult is so humiliating. that’s the toddler injury
coworker suggested i drink fewer than six energy drinks so i tossed him through the break room like a discus
me: i want your honest opinion
friend: [gives honest opinion]
me: [nods… but also mentally drops them 5 spots in my friendship rankings]
Me, off my meds, pitching a cartoon movie: OK, so, you know how most toasters are cowards?
[kidnapper hands wife phone]
“brent”
BABY IM COMIN *kidnapper takes back phone but she can hear me yelling* IS THE HAM IN THE FRIDGE EXPIRED