There was no Internet when I was a kid. If you wanted to talk to a pervert, you had to go find one.
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Grapefruit – for when you want your food to taste like getting beaten up
Uber Eats:
Food
Tip
Sales tax
Service tax
Gas tax
Just because tax
What are you gonna do about it tax
My wife called me from her job at the Velcro factory.
She’s stuck at work again.
male coworker: how’s it hanging?
me: loose and to the left
him:
me: you’re not going to ask me that again, are you?
him: not a chance
If your dog & your baby are fighting, it’s important to leave them to it so that a pack leader can be established.
God: *creates a cat* how’re you feline little guy?
Cat:
God:
Cat:
God: *creates dogs*
If they ever find my body next to a treadmill, just know that I was murdered somewhere else and my body was dumped there.
Smiling releases endorphins in your body, which relieves stress.
All I have to do now is explain that to my proctologist when he’s done.
WHAT ARE WE?
Writers!
WHAT ARE WE WRITING?
Snacks!
WAIT, WHAT?
Snacks first, THEN writing!
No, wait, coffee/tea too!
Maybe a nap beforehand!
THEN WRITING?
No, then Twitter
THEN WRITING!
Too late! Time for bed! Writing tomorrow
#amwriting
#writerslife
#writingcommunity
When I die, I hope people react the way my kids do when the iPad freezes.
me: grew the baby for 38 weeks, pushed the baby out of my body, spends 99% of my time with the baby
the baby all day long: DADA DADA DADA DADA
Me: home is where the heart is.
Nurse: *handing me a scalpel* doctor, you’re terrible at this.
[alien taking notes]
Humans: Reluctant to common sense gun control, yet somehow completely overreactive when approached by a bee.
“Here mom, hold this.”
Translation: I own you now.
Because I never explained otherwise, my son spent a good stretch of time in his childhood thinking that a vice principal at a school was there in case the principal was assassinated.
Rather than trying to “change” your passwords, accept them for their imperfections and they will grow stronger than you can possibly imagine
Redheaded guys know they can just dye their hair, right? They don’t have to live like that.
You scream, we all scream, I apologize for entering the womens bathroom.
My friend used a fancy new charcoal soap and now she looks sketchy.
The government says 50 terror plots have been thwarted since NSA surveillance. What a perfectly even, unsuspicious number.
If your dress suddenly turns into rags at midnight while you’re being driven home by a bunch of mice on a pumpkin, you’re not Cinderella, you’re drunk.
Welcome to your forties! You’re gonna need several doctors, no matter how many apples
if you text me “we need to talk” i’m gonna reply “yes we do” now we both stressed
That soy sauce packet is just living rent free in your drawers
[at the vets]
He’s really bad. He can’t fly.
“He’s a cat though.”
[very sarcastically] oh I’m sorry is this the vets or the excuses clinic?
Motorway in Britain: “Go 40mph for a bit”
You: “Why? What’s happened?”
Motorway: “Absolutely nothing”
Make fun of my long hair and I’ll ride past your girlfriend’s bedroom window on a stallion.
friend: got any advice for a struggling actor?
me: maybe audition for roles that involve being tied up
watering my plants with Mtn Dew to recreate their native environment
In star trek not one of those snobs orders a grilled cheese sandwich from the replicator smh