There was romance over dinner last night.
Me to my husband: If we weren’t married, I’d marry you based on these potatoes.
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yet another student using CatGPT to do their schoolwork
My Girlfriend wanted a cat. I didn’t want a cat. So we compromised and we got a cat…
My dad asked my mom for an experience instead of a gift for his birthday so she booked him a colonoscopy
Probably the most valuable life lesson I’ve learned from a movie is to not steal black girls’ cheer routines.
Somebody called me a free spirit today and my heart leapt as I turned back to my paperwork.
My dog licked the crumbs out of my computer keyboard & earned an online college degree.
A new study suggests that a future study will completely contradict this study.
Your Time On Earth Is Limited. Don’t Try To “Age With Grace,” Age With Mischief, Audacity, And A Good Story To Tell.😉💂🏻♀️👋🏻🇬🇧🍻
Me: Where are the kids?
Wife: Mom’s
Me: *getting excited* Really?! Are you thinking what I’m thinking?
W: Almost certainly not
Why is the floor squeaking upstairs; does the cat weigh that much? Jeezus I hope the cat weighs that much.
[gym]
Him: Are you using that machine?
Me: *locked in a passionate embrace with the squat rack* it’s CLEARLY mutual
My son, sleepwalking, came into my room and said “Can you get the trash out of my bed?” So I went to his room and showed him there’s no trash and he said, exasperated, “Why would there be trash in my bed?” then laid down and went back to sleep.
That about sums up motherhood.
The council are threatening to fine me just because I put my recycling in the wrong box. Apparently the red one is only for post.
The best time to start a family fight is now. It gets you out of buying relatives gifts.
[80% of bar rescue eps]
TAFFER: this employee stole $150,000 dollars from you, burned your car, and killed your dog. he says he would happily do it again. what are you gonna do?
OWNER:
TAFFER:
OWNER:
TAFFER:
OWNER:
TAFFER: you’re going to fire him
OWNER: I’m going to fire him
Me: pick and choose your battle.
My son: I choose every battle.
Smiles from ear to ear.
Wife: what are you smiling about?
Our dog just took a giant dump in our neighbors yard
Wife: God I love that dog.
For some reason my hotel room has 2 toilets and i have been using them equally so neither one “feels left out” in case you’re wondering how i’m doing.
ME: Ask me what the three most important things about egg storage are
WIFE: No. You’re just going to say something stupid
ME: I promise I won’t…Just ask me
WIFE: Okay, fine. What are the three most important things about egg stor-
ME: Yokation, yokation, yokation.
I thought the CVS guy was going to ask me to join the rewards program but he said “enjoy your night” so I said “not today, thanks” and left.
911: What’s your emergency?
I’m being held hostage by the Swedish mafia!
911: Are you being tortured?
They’re making me put together an IKEA Poäng chair
911: Just asking for a friend, but what color?
People who are loud sneezers should be required to post it on their dating profile.
Well, well, well…
If it isn’t the lesson I should’ve learned by now.
This Viagra show looks cool but they keep cutting away to football
Nobody ever writes about Moby Niceguy.
ME: 3 Big Macs please. lol it’s my cheat day
CLERK: you ordered the same thing yesterday
ME:[leans in] why don’t u mind your own gd business
It takes only one person in this world to make you smile. It’s called a plastic surgeon.
Havent picked sides in Gamer gate yet.. which do I like more.. the entire female gender or the thing where I pretend to kill people on Tv..
Him: This is not what I had in mind when I suggested role play
Me: [in Boba Fett helmet] Shut up and put Captain Solo in the cargo hold