Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

my primary source of oxygen is gasping at all the stupidity

JOSEPH: oh thank god you’re here

MARY: did you bring the diapers blankets and formula

WISE MAN: no i brought myrrh

I texted my girlfriend “goodnight, love you” but accidentally sent it to my boss. Now Its awkward, cause he holds my hand during meetings.

My kid said he was gonna jump off the roof using a blanket as a parachute and I was like “That won’t work you idiot. Go get my umbrella”.

I’m going commando for Valentines day. He’s going to be so surprised when I parachute into his yard and blow up his house.

I walked outside and my glasses fogged up so I went inside to switch to contacts and stay there until October.

My favorite oxymorons:

1. Jumbo shrimp.
2. Act natural.
3. Boneless ribs.
4. Civil war.
5. Freezer burn.
6. Adult male.
7. Happy marriage.

Him: What are you doing?
Me: Rollin’ bones.
Him: I’ll roll your bones. *wraggles eyebrows*
Me:
Him: *winks*
Me: *does voodoo-y stuff*
Him: *turns into a hedgehog*

If I see a parked car with one of those stick figure family things, I always add a sticker of myself to it and then just wait in the car.

You people that are getting laid regularly either need to keep that stuff to yourselves or be more descriptive.

If you’re not sure about having kids, have someone say “Mom!” 100 times before 7am & see if it’s right for you.

Optimistic Thought of the Day: You are always 1/3 of the way towards having a threesome.

In the mornings lately I find evidence of carrots or celery in my daughter’s bed from her late night snacking and I’ve never been more concerned that she might not be mine

[relaxing in my hammock reading a book]

“Hey kids! We need to clean your rooms…come get me in 15 minutes.”

And that’s how you buy yourself a whole lotta peace and quiet😎

What idiot called it blood spatter instead of axe body spray

Judge: “How do you plead?”
Me: [looks at lawyer]
Lawyer: [mouths “not guilty”]
Me: “Hot milky”

I thought I drank my coffee too fast and thought I was hallucinating seeing bugs everywhere but it turns out I did in fact leave a window open and a bunch of ants got in

Legal notepads imply that illegal notepads exist

[fancy restaurant]

JESUS: what do you do for a living

DATE: I’m a pilot

JESUS: *narrows eyes*

There should be a Jaws sequel where the shark finally gets arrested for his crimes and goes to jail.

sheep: “why do we all look the same?”
other sheep: “it freaks me out tbh”
another sheep: “i dont even know which one of us is me”

“A broken clock is right twice a day” isn’t really true anymore because my office microwave says it’s 88:88 o’clock

[after sex]

Me: is that a tattoo of Sebastian the crab?

Her: yeah, I love crabs

Me: then I have some GREAT news!

Harry Styles sounds like a made-up name that Big Foot would use to sneak into a fashion show.

Working in fungus identification is really dull. Every day it’s just say mould, say mould…

I’m not responsible for the things I say when you’re stupid.

I still think my biggest regret is asking a girl out, and replying “me too” after she told me she had a boyfriend

Any sink has a garbage disposal if you push hard enough.

“Ah, OK. Yes. Now I see it.” -Me lying to someone who’s pointing out a constellation

*me trying to bond with my 30 year old male coworkers* ah yes, i also had a brutal leg day, i woke up again with legs