Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Facebook: You have more friends on Facebook than you think. Me: You have higher expectations than you think.

Jesus: This is my body
Peter: That’s bread
Jesus: It’s a metaphor dude
Peter: Oh so you’ve been talking in metaphor
Jesus: Sometimes I am Sometimes I’m being literal
Peter: How will we know the difference?
Jesus: It’s easy. If you get something wrong you just go to hell

Waiter, Waiter, I don’t eat meat, fish, eggs, gluten or dairy. What do you recommend?

A taxi.

#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes

Once again I’ve been mistaken for a 50lb sack of flint corn.

Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?

Me: Yes.

FRIEND: did you hear about the Salvation Army volunteer who is on strike?

ME: doesn’t ring a bell

Bloody Foreigner, coming over here, wanting to know what love is.

“Amanda Seyfried (left)”

My one neighbor just said Supposingly and my other neighbor responded with Supposably..
I’ve hid both their bodies

Oops, I ate my feelings again.

~ a memoir

Imagine the Gilmore Girls discussing which wire to cut on a bomb.

me: an open casket with my vape pen hanging from my mouth
wedding DJ: i meant final requests for songs man

Until I became a parent I never thought I would hear another human cry, because they stomped their own hands

Why is it called a backhanded compliment and not a slampliment?

Cleanliness is next to godliness in a dictionary missing some stuff

he was a gator boy
she said catch you later boy
she was with animal control

I told my 5yo we weren’t going to read an extra story at bedtime so in protest he took his pillow and a blanket and went to sleep in my laundry basket filled with clothes. I wish I was making this up.

[giving mother in law my famous salad dressing recipe over the phone] 1 part vinegar, then *bites lip so I don’t laugh* 2 parts baking soda

Horned lizards can squirt blood out of their eyes when threatened by predators, but my enemies have to be satisfied with my regular tears.

During a full Moon a house turns into a warehouse

Returning to the office, after working from home for 18 months, and all I worried about was would I have enough snacks to get me through the day

[at ultrasound]
Dr [preparing gloves]: are you allergic to latex?
Me: yeah that’s why we’re here

[zombie apocalypse]

SURVIVOR: That Chuck E. Cheese looks safe let’s take shelter in it

ME: *banned from all Chuck E. Cheese’s for tongue kissing the animatronic rat* You guys go ahead

My 3yo laughed and said look at this really funny picture of you Dad!

Then he held up my driver’s license

DOCTOR: To cure your blue skin condition, you must immerse your entire head in this vat of chemicals

GUY ABOUT TO BECOME SKELETOR: Sounds crazy but okay

Here’s a step by step guide to staircases

*gives you a handrail*

If you know karate you shouldn’t have to pay for stuff.

[drunk, yelling at an empty Fosters can] ALEXA WHO ATE MY DORITOS

The Five Stages of Dinner:

1-optimism
2-denial
3-bargaining
4-chicken nuggets
5-dessert

My teens cleaned their rooms & according to my sink & countertops, they’ve been hoarding my whole kitchen.