there was this guy who used to bring his dates to the museum i worked at and EVERY TIME he would be talking about “i’ve never been here before haha can’t wait to see what it’s all about!”
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Me: “You kids aren’t getting any more toys until you take care of the ones you have!”
Grandma: “Here are 8,000 new toys just for existing.”
me: well, you know, change is inedible
her: i think you mean inevitable
me: *spitting out several nickels* nope
I’ve been turning my clocks back a minute per day for the last 59 days so this shit is going to be smooth sailing for me, suckers.
Just tried to watch a James Bond movie and wow, first thing that happens is he walks into frame and fires his gun at me, the viewer. I have never felt so disrespected in my entire life and expect better from a man wearing a tuxedo. One star.
My glasses are broken but I’ve got a glasses repair kit except I can’t find it because my glasses are broken
according to my research, maximum work from home productivity can be reached when you wear a towel all day and lie about your camera not working
I stand in the tampon aisle and when a woman reaches for a box, I snicker and say “you’re gross”.
You can’t scare me. You’re not my dog the morning after she ate my jar of Vaseline
(Me, on my way in an Uber to a sexy party)
Uber Driver: Going to a party?
Me: Yes actually
Uber Driver: A family party?
Me: God I hope not
It’s painful when you lose an ex. It’s even more painful when they come back.
I get it, McFlurry machine. I don’t work when I’m at work either.
A fake ID that says you’re only 14 so you can get cheaper buffets
Fun fact: Whenever no one is looking at Mount Rushmore, the presidents’ heads all make out.
My husband’s on a work Skype, so every few minutes I silently cross the room behind him dressed as a new character from Wicked.
Sometimes I stand in the shower for 10 minutes before I remember what I’m supposed to be doing. So, yes your secrets are safe with me.
This woman named Amanda who lives above me burns her dinner nearly every night and it makes my apt smell like a fire pit so I’ve been calling her Burnie Manders behind her back to make myself feel better about it
My coworker told me he got banned from a bar when he lived in North Dakota back in 1973 and didn’t try going back to it for 30 years but he finally did and the moment he stepped in someone yelled “Get the hell out of here Dennis” And that’s probably my favorite story ever
Oh, you climbed Mt. Everest?
Well, I live with 4 teenagers and ALL the laundry in the house is clean AND folded.
.
Why yes, I do live under a rock. It’s called the moon.
Why do parents bust into your room like they are trying to see you cheating on them with another pair of parents or something 😭😂
Husband: I emptied the dishwasher.
Me: Great work, honey! Maybe you could try it again when it’s clean.
just poured dr pepper on my face like i didn’t know where my mouth was.
My neighbor is having a party for his daughter. I have been listening to Justin Bieber for 3 hours. Do not interact with me.
Update my mom has decided that my peanut butter intake is too high so she has hidden all the peanut butter. Little does she know I went to the store and bought more and while I was hiding it I found the other hidden container. Double peanut butter. Game on Amy.
I’ve thought about this Onion headline nearly every day for 20 years
Thanks, Facebook, for reminding me that on this very day back in 2012 I used a stick of butter to grease the 3 year old’s trapped legs from a bunk bed ladder.
Parenting is fun.
‘m developing a new fragrance for introverts
It’s called “Leave me the fuh cologne”
Never sell a golf club on Facebook to someone from East Kilbride!
