there was this guy who used to bring his dates to the museum i worked at and EVERY TIME he would be talking about “i’ve never been here before haha can’t wait to see what it’s all about!”
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I love when SVU recycles actors years later as if I won’t know this is the same woman who put a child in an igloo cooler and set it sail on the Hudson in 1999
Rose: Paint me like your French girls.
Jack: With armpit hair?
Remember when we thought “Any kid can grow up to be President” was a good thing?
Me: Send prudes.
Her: Wait, did you mean nudes?
Me: What? Ew. No.
Before a wedding, we both thought the other had bought a present. It was 10pm, and we were in a pub, there wasn’t a lot I could do, until I noticed a lovely framed medieval map of Yorkshire on the wall, anyway fast forward 27 years, it still has pride of place in their hallway
I put my phone in airplane mode and it tried to sell me a tiny can of tonic water for £2
‘I’ve never done this on a first date before’ I say as I start vacuuming his place
My friend bought a house and I’m happy for him but part of me keeps thinking he could’ve bought so many hot dogs with all that money.
Me typing: univrsity
Autocorrect: Hey I caught a typo.
Me: Haha oops.
Autocorrect: You meant to say “U never city”
Me: Why would I say that?
Autocorrect: I fixed it and sent it to your dad.
9 has decided to write a book called “True facts about idiot humans”
And I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t worried about her source of information
I don’t understand how anyone could be a grave robber. How do you steal a six foot hole?
[using Ouija Board]
“Will i ever find true love–”
“NEW GHOST WHO DIS”
sure nickleback is great but have you guys ever heard of quarterback? they’re like 5 times better
I don’t give my children “chores”. I give them “missions” and that change in the name has made my whole life easier.
One day I plan on walking into a bar on a foggy night in some small town I’ve never been to before and say “Large Marge sent me.”
The veggies I bought 3 weeks ago as I reach for another pudding
I think as Canadians we’re so nice because we focus all our hatred on geese
not holding the door for the person right behind you and letting it slam onto them: objectively inconsiderate and so easy to avoid
holding the door for someone who’s like 30 feet away: a blatant act of terrorism
*Pokes the bear just to feel alive
*Bear uses bear spray on me
And you may find yourself
behind the wheel
of a large cockerel mobile
I want to be a pilot, but mostly so I’d have an excuse to tell passengers, “Where we’re going, we don’t need roads.”
how is March already THIS WEEK, I’m still processing the industrial revolution era of 1820-1840
Home buying tips:
-Up & coming area = Murders
-Good for young professional = Cheap bc of murders
-Open layout = See murders from the kitchen
Updating my resume. Anyone got a more professional word for “dumpster fire?”
🤔🔥📝
Yes officer, I know my driving is not 100% perfect, but you have to agree that it is still pretty good for someone who is completely drunk.
Khan: Revenge is a dish best served cold, and it is very cold in space…
Kirk, who is from Iowa: Oh, you think space is cold?
we went from “will there be dinner” to “will there be doors” on this flight in record speed
Real life: Woman has a baby and leaves the hospital one to two days after giving birth
TV shows: Woman has a baby and leaves the hospital 30 seconds after giving birth