There wasn’t WiFi in the days of Julius or Augustus Caesar. Back then gladiators scrolling Twitter would routinely have to pay Roman charges.
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“I want her skin.”
-Serial killers and teenage girls
It’s easy to watch movies on this plane! Just download our app, set your phone to airplane mode, turn on your wifi, select our wifi, go to our website, enter in the special key, add a photo of your driver’s license, enter your social security number twice, give us your first born.
Very good! 👍😂
I’m just a girl, yodeling at the top of my lungs, until someone agrees to give me this latte for free.
I’ve spent the last six months trying to find my Mother-In-Law’s killer, but no one is willing to do it.
[1983]
FRIEND: Let’s play monsters! I’ll be a werewolf, and you lock me in the closet because it’s a full moon. Don’t let me out!
ME: Hahaha, cool!
[just now]
ME: OH SHIT BILLY
Steering date to cheaper “catch of the yesterday” on seafood menu.
Tonight my wife is making us watermelon mojitos and if you think you can’t find true love on the Internet well you’re wrong because that’s where she found the recipe.
According to the amount of bacon I just cooked. I’m 4 people.
“YOU’RE DEAD TO ME”
Me on my first day as a mortician
I know how to share fries even if others do not. I am a bear.
Interviewer: What skills do you have?
Me: Mind control
Interviewer: EXCELLENT YOUVE GOT THE JOB
Police charged me with postmeditated murder because I meditated first.
Me, after a minor inconvenience:
me: hey, can I read that recipe
internet: here’s a video of how to make it
me: could I just read it
internet: WATCH THE VIDEO
ME: Should I sneeze into my hand?
DOCTOR: No, sneeze into your elbow
ME: Can I shake hands with people?
DOCTOR: No, bump elbows with them
ME: …
DOCTOR: …
ME: …
DOCTOR: Let me get back to you on that last one
‘THE POWER OF CHRIST COMPELS YOU!’
~me, parenting teens
You play the cards life deals you. They are Monopoly cards. You are a small pewter dog and you have won second prize in a beauty contest.
Times I’ve gone out to the garbage since she threw away a fur pillow: 2
Times I’ve leapt back thinking an animal was in the garbage: 2
Allegiant airlines charges for a glass of water but you know what’s free? Ice. Now we wait.
very rough morning. my male cat tried to mate with my female cat and bc they aren’t married I had to explain why they’re both going to hell
Her hands were garlic breadsticks of action. Her face was a Cesar salad of expression.
Who called it “asking for sex” and not “pitchfork”
Me: Whoa…What are you doing?
Wife: I’m donating some of your books…They’re just taking up space.
Me: You don’t get rid of books…besides half of those aren’t even colored yet.
Her:
Gas is so cheap right now, I just buy a new car when I run out.
Seems to me the guy who named sneakers was up to no good.
[parent/teacher conference]
Teacher: Your son is reading four levels above his classmates.
Me: [peeling Elmer’s Glue off my palm] What?
I take my phone with me when I go down into the basement, so if I fall and can’t get up I’ll still be able to tweet.
Boss: why are your eyes red?
Me: I got shampoo in them
Boss: we’ve talked about this
Me: *sighs* don’t wash eyelashes
Boss: mhm
Me: but you can’t deny this volume
Boss: oh I am painfully jealous
Windows
