There we are, nodding away when my kid’s swim instructor gives her exercises to work on at home, like the big ol’ liars we are.
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I don’t like labels, but I suppose “evil genius” fits about as well as any.
ME: I wish my enemies’ hair had nerve endings
GENIE: dude
The fact that they call it the Food Pyramid and not Food Triangle implies it has at least two other sides. So maybe this much taffy is OK
My daughter dries dishes like she is a rich lady in the witness protection program trying to integrate into a small midwestern town.
Sext: ‘Ride me harder, baby. Harder’
Me: ‘I’M ALREADY TYPING IN ALL CAPS, WHAT MORE DO YOU WANT FROM ME?’
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i mend relationships
professor boyfriend: oh wow
*discretely picks a booger*
*slyly wipes it on her blouse*
Funeral Director: Sir, we can see you and narrating it just makes it worse.
by age 30 you really should just be in a completely unsustainable number of different group chats that all comprise of different combinations of the same people
It’s crazy that we get one toothbrush as a kid and we have to use it once a week for the rest of our lives.
At my funeral, I want a giant glitter bomb to go off.
It will celebrate my life while ensuring that no one will forget me, since glitter will cling to them forever.
The doctor told me that at some point I’ll have to stop partying and I said I’d cross that bridge and find a new doctor.
“i was born in the wrong generation” bro we can literally fry shit with the air. what else do u want
To find out your dolphin name, lick your finger tips and rub a balloon.
I never get as envious of parents as I do when their baby starts crying & they get to leave the event
Kids today will never know the joy of being selected to go outside to dust the erasers.
My husband made me mad so I researched “furniture that takes the longest time to assemble at IKEA” and now we are the proud owners of 3 PAX wardrobe units and 5 wall mounted bookcases
If you think it hurts to lose a boyfriend/girlfriend, you’ve clearly never lost close to 500 GB’s worth of data on your hard drive.
“There’s no eye in Teams” I exclaim turning off my laptop camera
“Why are people so willing to believe unscientific nonsense?” ask the editors of newspapers that publish horoscopes.
Me: I’m heading out to escort the canine on a jaunty trek about the neighborhood.
My husband: Why don’t you just say you’re going to walk the dog?
Dog: *goes absolutely nuts*
Therapist: You seem annoyed & distant today
Whatever, I write on a tiny piece of paper before sending it across the room via carrier pigeon
[roadtrip]
ME: I need a bathroom break
FRIEND: no stops for 2 hours, use that Gatorade bottle
ME: um…ok…now how am I supposed to wipe?
Is my life this bad because I didn’t forward that email to 15 people back in 2007?
Two seats open.
One next to a good looking girl who noticed me as I walked in.
The other by a wall outlet.She’ll find love in another man.
people will say “oh i love the vaccine” and then only get it once or twice
Me: I have 7 things to tell you about your house. Number 4 may shock you.
Customer: You are the worst electrician ever.
Job interviewer: Where would you like to be in five years?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
if you call football “soccer” in front of the wrong person, they will throw themselves on the ground, dramatically, hoping a referee will hold up a little card that makes you go away
JUDGE: I may send u to jail. But if u act less condescending, I’ll let u go free
ME [waving goodbye to my family] u mean condescendingLY
I’m not against selfies. They kill more people than sharks