There we are, nodding away when my kid’s swim instructor gives her exercises to work on at home, like the big ol’ liars we are.
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[interview]
So what makes you qualified to be an x-ray technician?
Superman: Are you being serious right now?
If you’re expecting your first baby, skip the self-help books and practice not feeling triggered by “watch this” “why” and “one more”
If you love someone, set them free.
When they come back, because they will, make sure you are extremely happy with someone better looking.
[text]
me: miss you, love you, wish you were hereDomino’s : we said 30 min or less
I keep a list of all the people who get on my nerves so I know who’s getting the glittery Christmas cards.
I’M COLD my 7yo screams as she sits next to the AC vent in her underwear
If you cry every day in your relationship.. sit down, take a deep breath & ask yourself, “Am I dating a Human or an Onion?”
Yep, it’s true👇🏼😂😂😂
I was a horrible mother today and declared that I loved one of my kids more than the other. Well what I really said was, ‘please don’t hit your sibling’ but apparently it’s the same thing
I had an important meeting with my kids. I’ve been waiting to have this talk for a while. I started the meeting by grabbing the toothpaste. I made eye contact with all of them and then very slowly put the cap back on. It was a shocking demonstration, but I think they got it.
Counting calories is great for when you want to eat and do math and cry at the same time.
[God making raccoons]
GOD: I want a goth red panda
ANGEL: so like… a regular panda
GOD: no, make it small
ANGEL: okay
GOD: [taking bong rip] … and good at shoplifting
Doe, a deer, a female deer,
Ray, a guy who owes me money.
How far is it from the Earth to the sun?
10 CVS receipts.
Brewmaster: Get out of there at once!
(Me, splashing giddily in vat): IT’S OK I’M WEARING UNDIES
Door-to-door Christian guy: Jesus loves you.
Me: Really? Just me?
Him: Well, no. He loves everyone.
Me: I don’t have time for players.
Everyone is exhausted by the pandemic, except my neighbor’s dog who has been barking non-stop since 2016.
My wife is visiting her mother this weekend, so the cat and I are smoking cigars and playing poker.
(Recently turned) 14: Can I borrow the car?
Me: What? No!
14: Just practicing.
‘Let’s just agree to disagree.’
-Me, saying grace at the dinner table.
Sat in the waiting room at the vet and a lady just came walking in and goes “oh f**k, I’ve left the dog at home” 😂😂
me: you misspelled school
8yo: I don’t think ‘h’ needs to be in that word
me: I think you’re taking our “think for yourself” talk a little too far
After what happened to Lance Armstrong I’m kinda worried they are gonna come after my bowling trophies
Pretty pissed at myself for hiding the chocolate too close to the potpourri in my underwear drawer.
Maybe I forgot to text back. Maybe it’s Maybelline.
I do want to see supervillain origin stories as films. But not the tragic event that forever warped their minds.
I want to see them, like, a few days after they decided to become villains and start trying to source goons, try out costume themes, real organizational stuff.
“Ooh go on then, I’ll just have one!”
*eats many, many, many, many biscuits*
I still lie about my age when asked. But, instead of shaving years off, I now add years on. If you tell someone you’re 66, they generally just nod in reaction. But, if you tell them you’re 73, you stand a very good chance of hearing, ‘Wow! You look great for 73!’
Once again thinking about the most Massachusetts headline I’ve ever seen
