Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

5YO *8:00 am*: When do we get our phones back?

Me: After lunch time

5YO *8:10 am*: I’m hungry, can I have some lunch now

Telling my husband he got his days mixed up and my quarantine is actually another day so he doesn’t see how messy I’ve let this room get.

Fifth Third Bank? I don’t think you understand how to number things, which is something I generally look for in a bank.

good work, detective

Pretty nervous about the guy who dropped out of mechanic school the second they showed us how to cut a brake line.

I accidentally dropped one of my husband’s Viagra into my contact solution and now I’m cockeyed.

me: “i re-wrote pulp fiction”
director: “wow ok” [reads script] “this is literally just pulp fiction”
me: “i didnt say it was different”

Me: I’ve got mismatched socks do you think that’s ok

Wife: I don’t think anyone’s gonna notice

Me: I’m gonna tell em

Everyone romanticizes the past until they get horribly sick and wake up covered in leeches.

Boy are you an automatic faucet? Just a slight hand movement and you’re spraying all over me.

I’m cat sitting for my daughter, and she sent me three pages of instructions, along with a video tutorial. Anyways, what’s a cat? She never specified that part.

ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking, please fasten your seatbelts i wanna try something

I’ll stick with papa johns 🤣🤣🤣

Please continue finishing your text in the crosswalk, Mr. Pedestrian. It’s not like I’m driving a giant metal instrument of death.

{Company meeting}
Pres: Our biggest fears have come true…

*I run to check on the donuts

*Stroll back in, spitting crumbs “what’s wrong?”

Him: Do you gamble?

Me: I don’t even sneeze without crossing my legs.

Me: Have a good day at school.
Child: Not possible.
Me: What? Why not?
Child: Hey dad, have a good day at work.
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.

If life sucks, take a straw and you suck too

I was buying ice cream, Pop Tarts and mayonnaise. She had organic vegetables & Kombucha.
The check stand divider was mostly symbolic.

*cop throws the book at me*

*I throw it back at him*

Librarian: *grabs us by the ears and escorts us out*

I think most “Emergeny Exit Only – Alarm Will Sound” doors are bluffing, but I’m too much of a coward to find out.

“Well can I at least pop home quick and get changed?”

-Me, getting my mugshot taken in my Chewbacca onesie

“Where’s my money?” – a loan shark
“Where are my friends? – alone shark

I’m sorry I put a collar on your baby. I thought it was a Pug.

Warm pools make me nervous.

I love sipping margaritas by the pool. Or, as my neighbor with a pool calls it, “Trespassing.”

Mongoose is French for “my goose.”

I love how all my apps shake when I go to delete one..

There all like awww shit,

who’s it gonna be this time

hoping nobody noticed you peed in the pool like

Nice echo chamber you got there. Be a shame if someone were to….DISAGREE WITH YOU.