There were a lot of tears when I dropped my kid back to school today. I think it’s really unprofessional when his teacher cries in front of us.
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[At the coroners’ to identify a body]
Me: “Yep. That’s a body all right.”
With the amount of times I lick the spoon while cooking, I might as well tongue kiss each guest upon arrival
No one comes over anymore :/
[Jail]
INMATE: I killed a guy.
SCOOBY DOO VILLAIN: I got caught trying to haunt an old warehouse by a bunch of teenagers and a talking dog.
Demi Lovato is my favorite singer that is half human, half Lovato
Asked 4 how pre school was and she said Jake did a bad thing and made Freya cry and when I asked 4 what Jake did she said she couldn’t remember and went to play with her Barbie and now I’m expected to just carry on my life not knowing what went down between Jake & Freya
COWORKER: Wanna come to my NYE party?!
ME: Aww… I would, but I already have plans.
MORGAN FREEMAN: He did not have plans.
i wanted som fried chicken but i didnt hav any chicken so i fried a egg and now im waitig for it to hatch
The Magician told me to “Pick a card!! Any card!!”
So I took his Visa
The only thing longer than a minute left on the microwave is a minute on the treadmill.
Don’t embarrass a guy by telling him his fly is open in public.
Just be a man, walk over there, and slowly zip it up for him.
These true crime docs are fantastic but pretty soon Netflix is going to have to start murdering dudes just to keep up.
Funny Quote of the Day: “If your parents never had children, chances are… neither will you.” – Dick Cavett
The hardest part of painting a nude self-portrait is having yourself over for drinks and convincing yourself to take off your clothes.
Goth gf: this isnt working out. I think we should see other people
Golden Retriever bf: *started running in circles as soon as he heard the word Out*
Yesterday I went to the grocery store and I managed to come home without any junk food.
Now I’m mad that we don’t have any junk food.
Fitness app: how much do you want to lose each week? 0.5 lbs? 1 lb? 2 lbs?
Me: Um, obviously 2
FA: this is how much you can eat.
Me: ok try 1
FA: sure, here is your calorie ration.
Me:
FA:
Me: ok let’s say I wanted to gain 3 lbs.
FA: here you go!
Me: That’s it?
TOUGH GUY: *pointing to his arm* I got this scar saving a child from a burning building.
ME: *pointing to my face* I got this one bobbing for pineapples.
*knock knock*
“Sir, this is the police, open the door immediately”
“But I’m having a poo”
“We know sir, the phone box has glass sides”
Are you a mature person, or did you sneak into the bathroom and steal your spouse’s towel, then turn off the lights and run out the door?
What I said : Just a trim, please.
What hairdresser must’ve heard : Give me the Kim Jong-un.
Fact: Bernie Sanders won’t release his birth certificate because it proves that when he was born he was already a 74-year-old man
frodo threw my serotonin into mount doom.
Would the person who has been writing my horoscope please lighten up.
It was my daughter’s turn to pick the movie the other night and I was not prepared for her to choose a yeti documentary
These weekends are starting to feel as long as a lunch break.
Never thought I’d have to know a guy who knows a guy to buy toilet paper.
I recently took a pole
And found that 100% of the people in the tent were angry when it collapsed
ME: Hey buddy, your dog left a little ‘present’ on my lawn
GUY: Huh?
ME: *points to tiny, nicely wrapped gift* Thank him for me, willya?
I might not be girlfriend material but I’m definitely
