There were a lot of tears when I dropped my kid back to school today. I think it’s really unprofessional when his teacher cries in front of us.
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I’ve realized there’s more to life than social media so I guess this is goodbye for the next 12 minutes.
[During a baby shower]
Me: Ooh I caught one
Wife: Put it down we can’t afford another
u are suposed to knock on watermelons befor u eat them to make sure that u are not eatimg anybodys home
“Get in the van if you want to live.”
Creepy Terminator…
Her: Let’s just drop it.
Me: Fine.
Her:
Me:
Her: I just find it funny how…
Me: *opens car door and shoulder rolls out into traffic*
Whenever I left a door open, my mum would ask if I was born in a barn, which is odd because you’d think she’d remember something like that.
A poster with a mugshot saying “Have you seen this man”
So I rang up and said No.
You have to do your bit for society .
date: i love a guy who isn’t afraid to curse during sex
[later]
me: *yelling* avada kedavra
Read about a 60 yr old woman wanting to swim from Florida to Cuba & felt inspired & wanted to help so I emailed her a picture of a boat
Where on my donor card do I indicate that my organs are not to be used to save anyone who pronounces it “eck-cetera?”
What they say: “Hey, have you lost weight?”
What they mean: “Hey, I remember you being a lot fatter. What gives?”
Them: You should spend time with the ones you love. You never know when they’ll be taken from you.
Me: You’re absolutely right.
[buys the concert tickets]
*spends ages choosing a ring tone.
*puts phone on silent
sorry I didn’t call the dog ate your phone number
I have a spot on my glasses but nothing to clean the lens with so I’m learning not to see it. So…pretty much how I deal with all my problems.
3: mom, you got a chicken I can use?
Me: Honey, I’m going on a burrito run, you want something:
Her: No, thanks I’m not hungry.
Me: *Buys her her own burrito cause I ain’t dumb*
The pastor’s sermon went on so long that even Jesus got up and walked out.
If by ‘the Hamptons’ you mean ‘my pajamas’, then yes, I absolutely weekend in the Hamptons.
Can’t we all just binge watch season 2022 and get it over with?
I was at the shops & the woman in front of me was asking where the cucumbers were
The assistant came back with a small cucumber & she said “yes I saw that but I want a big one” & I actually said out loud “that’s what she said” & yes I think I spend too much time on the Twitter
you don’t scare me. you’re not a can of biscuits i’m about to open.
Of COURSE the government would keep aliens a secret from you people. You can’t even handle different kinds of humans.
[packing for holiday]
WIFE: U don’t have to only put suits in a suitcase
ME: [putting underwear in briefcase] I don’t make the rules Karen
Employer: i am sorry. we will not be hiring you.
Me: i understand completely. you won’t be disappointed.
COP: please step out of your vehicle
ME: finally *leaves body*
‘see you in hell’ so it’s a date?
yelling “you’re not my real dad” is a faux pas
The best thing about parenting babies and toddlers is that you can dress them up as like, a croissant for Halloween, they don’t give a shit.