[accidentally makes eye contact with someone] Oh my God, I am so sorry. Are you OK?
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Adult: If it ain’t broke don’t fix it
Child: If it ain’t breakable, not interested
The Passion of the Christ 2: Jesus in Space
He conquered the sins of the world, but can he conquer the sins of the galaxy?
My husband asked if I had a new year’s resolution and I told him it was to not yell at the kids and then we both fell about laughing
I’m never marrying anyone else that I find on craigslist.
Pro-Tip: Always remember where you buried the bodies.
If it weren’t for the gutter, my mind would be homeless.
Resistance training
But me dragging my kids into school.
There are now more photos of girls in bathroom mirrors than there are of the entire 1940’s.
Dating Tip:
Surprise the woman you are courting with a bouquet of cats
When I’m older I want to be that guy in the park just shouting random advice like ‘make sure it TOUCHES THE EDGES!’
Next time you feel like judging someone, remember that the German guy who used Craigslist to find a victim to dismember and cannibalize is a vegetarian now. People CAN change.
Me: *driving*
My mom at every turn:
Vader: I AM your father.
Luke: Why are you telling me this now?
Vader:
Luke:
Vader: I need a kidney.
Waiting in line for a bathroom stall that was empty the entire time is not even the most embarrassing thing I’ve done today
I was first in line
Me: You gotta get dressed, kiddo, we’re leaving soon.
7yo:
Me: Get dressed, please.
7yo:
Me: Please get dressed.
7yo:
Me: Hurry up and get dressed.
7yo:
Me: Put your clothes on.
7yo:
Me: We have to leave in 3 minutes!
7yo:
Me: GET DRESSED RIGHT NOW!!!!!
7yo: Ok! Don’t yell at me!
Fun Fact: If you lie down in an aisle at Walmart for a couple hours, they will tag you and put you in a clearance bin.
Start hating people now, so you don’t have to buy them a Christmas present. Don’t wait until the last minute.
[spelling bee]
Judge- Your word is dirty.
Me-*whispering seductively* How dirty is it?
Judge- What? No! Your word is dir…
Me- Does it want to be spanked?
At this stage of my life, “Good in Bed” means not snoring or stealing the covers.
doctor: how’s the weight loss plan going?
me: i’m doing my best
doctor: are….you drinking a glass of ranch?
me: best doesn’t mean good
United Airlines just tried to charge me $25 for the bags under my eyes.
the small neighbor human and i. have been working on a puzzle. for quite some time. we only have one piece left. but we can’t find it anywhere. i hope i didn’t eat it. that sounds like something i might do
*Pays bills*
*Bank turns off debit card for suspicious activity*
Hi. This is my first time at yoga. When I called they said to bring a Matt. *points at man standing next to her* Now what do we do with him?
“You make me so wet.”
– me, to my shower.
The baby spit up on my Xbox so I had to get rid of it…
I’m gonna miss that baby…
“Hi, I’m here for Paradox Club.”
-Actually this is Oxymoron Club.
“Ok, same difference.”
*looks at group*
-Oh, this guy is good.
In Hell, you’re surrounded by people saying ‘suposably’ and ‘irregardless.’
I don’t know if there’s a right time for your preschooler to whisper, “are humans made out of meat?” in your ear, but I know that 3 AM is the wrong time.
No one told me my life would become so much googling it