There were going to be guns but this was funnier

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If you add enough jalapeños no one will ever know you’re a bad cook.


[planning heist]

LEADER: we can kill the alarm, but how do we get through the concrete wall?

*everyone turns to look at the kool-aid man*


Mugger: give me your wallet and you won’t get hurt

Me: *handing over wallet* wanna be my friend?

Mugger: no

Me: *taking wallet back* but you said :’(


I thought the brakes on my car were squealing but it was just a Mariah Carey song on the radio.


DATE: I like someone with a good sense of humor

ME: Ah ok I don’t have that one but I got like touch and smell and so on


robber: alright this is a robbery

dad: no this is a bank

robber: damnit dad not now


Trump is a plant by the NRA to make liberals want to shoot someone


Oh, you love me? Name three of my recent emotional breakdowns


Overused phrases I hope I never hear again:

1. At the end of the day
2. It is what it is
3. Think outside the box
4. Get your ducks in a row
5. Please sir, you’re making a scene


What manner of evil contract with the devil must I enter into so I can get eye drops INTO my eyes?