@Satellite_09

There were going to be guns but this was funnier

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@Donna_McCoy

If you add enough jalapeños no one will ever know you’re a bad cook.

@TheHyyyype

[planning heist]

LEADER: we can kill the alarm, but how do we get through the concrete wall?

*everyone turns to look at the kool-aid man*

@PleaseBeGneiss

Mugger: give me your wallet and you won’t get hurt

Me: *handing over wallet* wanna be my friend?

Mugger: no

Me: *taking wallet back* but you said :’(

@Donna_McCoy

I thought the brakes on my car were squealing but it was just a Mariah Carey song on the radio.

@caithuls

DATE: I like someone with a good sense of humor

ME: Ah ok I don’t have that one but I got like touch and smell and so on

@Shen_the_Bird

robber: alright this is a robbery

dad: no this is a bank

robber: damnit dad not now

@meganamram

Trump is a plant by the NRA to make liberals want to shoot someone

@SortaBad

Oh, you love me? Name three of my recent emotional breakdowns

@JoeRegular4

Overused phrases I hope I never hear again:

1. At the end of the day
2. It is what it is
3. Think outside the box
4. Get your ducks in a row
5. Please sir, you’re making a scene

@Scott_A_Gilmore

What manner of evil contract with the devil must I enter into so I can get eye drops INTO my eyes?