If you add enough jalapeños no one will ever know you’re a bad cook.
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LEADER: we can kill the alarm, but how do we get through the concrete wall?
*everyone turns to look at the kool-aid man*
Mugger: give me your wallet and you won’t get hurt
Me: *handing over wallet* wanna be my friend?
Me: *taking wallet back* but you said :’(
I thought the brakes on my car were squealing but it was just a Mariah Carey song on the radio.
DATE: I like someone with a good sense of humor
ME: Ah ok I don’t have that one but I got like touch and smell and so on
robber: alright this is a robbery
dad: no this is a bank
robber: damnit dad not now
Trump is a plant by the NRA to make liberals want to shoot someone
Oh, you love me? Name three of my recent emotional breakdowns
Overused phrases I hope I never hear again:
1. At the end of the day
2. It is what it is
3. Think outside the box
4. Get your ducks in a row
5. Please sir, you’re making a scene
What manner of evil contract with the devil must I enter into so I can get eye drops INTO my eyes?