Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

some tweets get big favs but no RTs. why? [camera pans to dog in lab coat high up on a distant ledge. we’re too far away to hear his answer]

Barney: I love you, you love me

Me: *rolling over in bed* look I thought this was a no strings thing

I’ve been told in the past that training with cats was difficult. It’s really not. Mine had me trained within a day.

dentists and waitstaff go to the same class called ‘When to Ask Questions’

Just know that somebody out there is thinking of you, and you should really lock your doors.

25 years ago we decided that nerds were actually cool and good. now they control the world and the complete destruction of human civilization draws nigh. I have no choice but to call up the kids who bullied me in high school for One Last Job

My wife suggested we go to the pub separately & relive our 1st date.

So she walked over to me and said “can I buy you a drink?”

I replied “sorry I’m married.”

Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.

Except for that guy in the park who thinks he’s Napoleon. He’s fighting the Battle of Trafalgar. But mostly you don’t know.

Doctor: “I’m afraid-”
*Wife crying*
“I’m afraid your husband is in a better place now.”

*cut to me on a roller coaster at Disneyland*

Hospice was my favorite spice girl,

into all kinds of freaky things and took good care of my grandma

My wife and I have our calendars synced to both of our phones.

I forgot I have a gynecologist appointment next Thursday.

Since finding a huge spider in my slipper I now keep em on a chair cuz my little brain decided spiders don’t like chairs.

Sometimes I like to purchase every item on a person’s Amazon wish list for myself and then let them know I’m living their best life

every raccoon you see is currently on parole

that scene in doctor who where the doctor brings vincent van gogh to a 21st century exhibition of his work except he takes t.s. eliot to a screening of cats (2019)

Every damn time

A birth certificate is a basically a baby receipt.

there was actually a 13th apostle, but not a lot of people know about him, because he was looking for a fork he’d dropped under the table right as leonardo painted that picture

I only hug people when I need to wipe my hands off.

When I was 23, I was doing improv and was afraid to let people in the scene know I was gay. Now, I’m happy to be gay and ashamed to let people know I used to do improv.

Rise and shine, people. It’ll be dark again in about an hour.

my cartoon in the New Yorker this week

“You looked stressed”

Me: “Thanks, it’s probably all the stress”

True dat! 😂😂😂😂

I’m giving up sex for lent mostly because I’m not having any anyway so it seems like the easiest and most logical choice for this journey.

*Gandalf rollerblades into the club*
“YO DJ PLAY SOME DIRTY DUBSTE–
*slips on a drink & lands flat on face* “SCRAP THAT CALL AN AMBULANCE

My kid fell asleep in the car holding his half-eaten donut, so I did the responsible thing and finished it for him

Madam Vice-President-elect Kamala Harris and the silhouette of Ruby Bridges when she was walking to an all-white school, newly desegregated, escorted by four deputy US marshals in 1960.

A picture so sexy my computer just covered my eyes.