Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I saved my husband’s life insurance company 1 million dollars by switching to xanax.

Love it when moms refer to kids by age in tweets. “6 fell down today”. Wonder if the kids do the opposite at school: “33 is drunk again”.

My toddler had a meltdown at bedtime because her pajamas were “too comfortable.”

It’s a rough life.

4-year-old: I put my Barbie in the tanning bed.

Me: You don’t have a Barbie tanning bed.

4:

Me: *sprints to the toaster*

Twitter is kinda like my diary except I don’t use a glitter gel pen or tell you guys how much I miss Josh.

“Oh, you decided to close your bedroom door with me on the outside? Allow me to sing you the song of my people.”

-my cat

I know it’s so bad but all the other restaurant names were taken. Anyways welcome to Feastiality can I get you guys started on some drinks

Cyber Monday is probably my favorite holiday to get paid to do my Christmas shopping at work.

My driver’s license says I’m an organ donor but jokes on them because I have a piano.

“Okay Nancy, try it now.”

Don’t worry, Donald Trump will declare bankruptcy and start a new country.

“I’ll do it after I’m dead”

People that don’t know how death works.

– dinner –

Kid 1: finishes in 18.4 seconds
Kid 2: finishes in 34.7 seconds
Kid 3: finishes in 5 hours 29 minutes

When it’s ok to bother me before my morning coffee:
1- I’m on fire
2- You’re on fire
3- The coffee maker is on fire
4- Something had frickin’ well better be on fire

An increasingly frustrated ax murderer making throat clearing sounds outside my window as I’m splayed on the couch drinking Cheeto crumbs

No matter how many candles you burn, you can’t bake bread. Follow me, for more wisdom

ME: where’s your brother?

OLDEST CHILD: where’s another roll of duct tape?

ME: *sprints to the basement*

[commercial for kids]

woman *opens pantry and 6 bags of chips fall out* ARGH!

narrator: Are you tired of having food in your house?

[inventing chalk]

We want something that young children can use to play and learn with, but we also need to be able to outline dead bodies.

I’m a Gemini. If you’re looking for someone who’s the exact opposite of me, just wait an hour.

Just went to Walgreens & they’re a bunch of liars. Their walls were more of a beige color. I’m suing.

GENE SIMMONS: What is it about me that makes people think I’m gross?

“Hygiene”

SIMMONS: Hi. Now answer my question.

Thursday

[on the phone]

Me: *whispers* I think my CW knows I’m high.

CW: You know you’re talking to a banana right?

8: Dad you’re not spending time with me just cuz you’re getting material for Twitter, right?

Twitter Dad: No I love you, Pete.

Mike:

I asked my doctor about prescribing me sleep medication and he asked if I had tried “giving yourself permission to sleep” instead and now I’m so mad I don’t think I’ll ever sleep again

ikea instructions make no sense, why would they only give me one allen wrench to cook all these meatballs

Just finished a show and in need of new entertainment so imma ask the hubs what one thing does he wish he could change about me

if you think electrolytes are good you should try the electroheavies

Got caught by three red lights on my way home and now my avocados are bad