Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

There are many different theories about why humans even need to sleep but I’m pretty sure it’s to charge our phones.

violence is never the answer unless you’re doing a crossword and it asks “behavior involving physical force” (8 letters)

I just sung Mariah Carey’s “Hero” to myself because it seems no one else in this house can put a new roll of toilet paper on the thing.

Me: “I’d like to pay by card.”
Waiter: “Contactless?”
Me: “No, you can cuddle me.”

We should be able to take our arms off when we go to sleep, we have the technology

How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck knew his existence was futile & all his loved ones were going to die one day?

*placing Trump & Hillary signs on my lawn

Neighbor: “Confused about who to vote for?”
Me: “What? No! I’m making a Halloween haunted house.”

Jesus: Go forth. You are now fishers of men.

Peter: *harpoons a guy*

Jesus: Too literal, bro.

Party Cat & Scaredy Cat

[shows up late for first day of new job]
*blames it on rush hour*
[shows up late for second day of new job]
*blames it on rush hour 2*

Note to self: Remove “Does anyone else know you’re here?” from list of first date small talk questions.

COP: let’s see some ID sir

ME: *hands him the little sticker from my lemon*

COP: this ain’t gonna cut it bud

ME: fine *hands him the lemon*

I am basic white bread.

…maybe buttered if I’m feeling fancy.

People come into your life for a reason. It’s annoying

When anyone says they’ve embarrassed themselves enough for one day, I smile, nod and think ‘that kind of limit sounds nice’

I recently bought a corset to spice up my sex life. Once I’ve learned how to breathe in the damn thing I’ll tell you how it worked out.

Hey Mexican food restaurant waiter, if the basket is empty you don’t have to ask. YES I WANT MORE CHIPS!

Online piracy is bad, one time I downloaded a boat

I couldn’t figure out how I cut my arm but then I realized I brushed arms with the guy with the barbwire tattoo.

[after 47 minutes of listening]
okay usually when someone says “what is wrong with me” it’s rhetorical but thanks for the feedback

*after 7 hours in a Chinese restaurant*
Me to waiter: “Actually, do you think I could have a fork?”

I’m at 7%. My phone too. We both will probably die before I get off work.

Me: Hey, do you wanna play Nintendo?

Dad: Actually that’s a Super Nintendo, it’s the newer version improved in practically every way.

Me Got it.

Dad: Where’s mom?

Me: Visiting Super Dad.

Therapist: Do you know what your problem is?

Me: Would I be here if I did? Did you really go to school for this shit?

[approaches group of male coworkers talking about the superbowl]
man oh man I can’t wait to watch the
[looks at left palm]
rams & the patriots play
[looks at right palm]
football

my primary source of oxygen is gasping at all the stupidity

Old superstition:
When wife laughs at your jokes:
It means you have guests in the house.

According to the scale at my gym, all I’ve lost so far is 300 dollars.

Gas isn’t that expensive, at least not when you’re siphoning it from your coworker’s tank anyway

jfc that’s a stupid idea and someone could get hurt so when can we do it?