Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Mom: Time to wake updog.
Son: *groggily* What’s updog?
Mom: Just waking you up for school, dog, what’s up wit u?
Dad (from hallway): OWNED

. No Shoes
No Shirt
No Problem
Welcome To Walmart.

Found a YouTube channel that’s just French women smoking cigarettes so this is my last tweet.

My children were pretending to lead a workout class, and one of them stopped and yelled “tater tot break” and this is a fitness trend I can fully embrace.

me: [lists something on fb marketplace for $400 that’s worth $1,000 new.]

person: take $6??

The guy who cut me off then slammed on his brakes just got pulled over and I wasn’t expecting this level of joy today

Can’t even watch a YouTube video these days without someone in an ad reminding you you’re poor

*Clicks video* next thing “HI THERE, HAHA, I MADE $200,000 LAST QUARTER, WHAT DID YOU MAKE?”

Bad decisions, now get out my guy, make I watch 10 types of Jollof in peace

If tennis rules were chasing the ball and bringing it to your opponent without letting him have it, my dog would be the best in the world.

*cooks for 2 hours with all fresh ingredients*
My family: it’s ok

*throws in frozen pizza*
My family: yayyyy pizzaaaa!

Them: are you busy right now

Me: (just laid down) yes

And when you saw one set of footprints, that must be when you started paying attention cause I got tired and went home a while ago

Me: Why doesn’t he love me?
Nachos: Eat more of me and find out!
Me: *Chewing* So?
Nachos: We need outside counsel. Send pizza down here.

*me, at the bank, mouth agape, looking around in child-like wonderment*
so, this is where my twelve dollars lives

You know you’re a mover & a shaker when HR rewrites the dress code for you.

Whatever Anita, those tear-away pants looked fabulous on me.

Doctor: So what brings you in today?

Me: Stay with me here…I’m pretty sure there is a bus full of elementary age children flying around my small intestine.

Me: Hi! I’m here to enter the eye rolling category.

International Olympic Committee: *collectively make a face*

Me: Yep. That’s the one.

The only thing stopping cheesecake from being a breakfast food is you.

Does my family really expect me to express my love for them on Valentine’s Day when we’ve been trapped together for months??

Today, I saw a sign outside a dental office that said “We do our business in your mouth” and I haven’t stopped laughing.

Deodorant? I’ve never needed to buy any. People just give it me. Complete strangers sometimes

interviewer: where do you see yourself in five years

me: i’d love to be a dinkwad (dual income no kids with a dog)

I forgot the word “turkey”so I asked the butcher for 20 pounds of oversized angry bird gobble gobble meat.

At work, I secretly make decaf coffee in the regular pot to keep all of my coworkers working at my pace.

I don’t understand why people are giving me weird looks. It’s like they’ve never seen someone in a sleeping bag in front of 7-Eleven on Slurpee Day.

In the army. One day we f***** off our CO & he made us polish our boots “like a mirror”. We had to march into his office 1 by 1 and hold our boots up for inspection. Except it was always the same pair, we just handed them to the next squaddie in the hall as we left his office.

Dentist: Don’t eat or drink for…
Me: *already eating a snack before she finishes her sentence*

Spice up any Facebook comment with random quotation marks.

“Congrats” on your baby.
Congrats on “your” baby.
Congrats on your “baby”.

Every time you think Florida can’t top itself. BAM!

Clueless is my favorite movie about how rich people have real hard problems too

News: IKEA pledges 1 billion euros to help slow climate change.

But knowing IKEA, it will take forever to put the money together.