Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

JESUS: Happy Father’s Day, Joe.
[hands over present]

JOSEPH: Wow, thanks Jesus. I wonder what it-
[present is empty]

[Jesus and God hi-5]

optimus prime: did she just wink at me?

me: i think she’s turning left

We chose to adopt a highway.
[clutches my wife’s hand]
We couldn’t make a highway of our own, you see.

Snakes full of cheese instead of poison would certainly improve the atmosphere at this church.

Marriage isn’t between a man and a woman. It’s between a person who is certain they closed the garage door and a person who is certain they did not close the garage door.

If you try something new and you aren’t immediately awesome at it, say it’s stupid and never try it again.

“That looks shiny and clean, I’m gonna touch it a lot.”

– Kids

I’m at that age where I keep swatting in the air around my head trying to kill the buzzing mosquito, but realizing it’s just my deviated septum..

My kid fell off the bed and into the laundry basket head first. She’ll probably never forgive me for laughing so hard but I’m only human and that shits funny

If you don’t believe aliens walk amongst us, who else could write such unnatural dialogue in pharmaceutical commercials?

#RuinABandNameWithOneLetter
Mullet For My Valentine

They must have had a really good laugh when doctors realized that thermometers could be taken orally too.

Sirens: *luring me to my death*

Me: *finger guns*

Sirens: Eww. Nevermind.

Twitter crush? Nah, that’s my X girlfriend.

GHOSTBUSTER: so wait, you called us because your neighbor painted his fence purple?

ME: it’s strange, weird, and it doesn’t look good—your lyrics couldn’t be more clear about this

Day 14: I notice a seam in the wall. It’s a removable panel. I crawl through a tunnel, down, down. I emerge into a space like a hangar. There is a 1/6 scale exact replica of my home, my car, my office…all the places I most often frequent. “This is not for you,” says my cat.

Posted a photo of my clean house on Facebook and it was flagged as fake news.

Rice: for when you’re not really
hungry but still wanna eat a 1000
of something.

me: check out that beach body

other forensic detective: stop calling it that

Ghosts think they are so scary but I see right through them

“she was often seen eating a rotisserie chicken in her car”

~police asking for help in my disappearance

*gazing at the ocean*
God: I told you NOT to leave the water on while we were on vacation.
Angel: I’m sorr-
God: SORRY DOESN’T FIX THIS MESS

I demand Lisa from high school face me in a public debate about why she made out with Craig when it was MY BIRTHDAY PARTY

why do marvel movies need 3 hours to accomplish what the powerpuff girls did in 11 minutes

You deplete me

Wait for it…

This is *probably* the best villainous hair reveal in cinema history.

Before you say you want to be treated like a king or queen, just remember that a lot of them were beheaded.

Oh you want to roll up next to me with your bass thumping some gangsta rap so my whole car shakes?

That’s cool, hold on. Two can play this game.

*Turns up Baby Shark to max volume*

Friend: Why isn’t your boyfriend here to help bury this heavy carpet?
Me: ….

You may not like the word “moist” but the alternative is “endampened” and I’ll not have endampened cake.