There were no dating apps in the 1950s. You just crashed a pyramid of water skiing girls into a pyramid of water skiing guys and hoped for the best.
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cop: we’re investigating the disappearance of your neighbor
me: i don’t know where dave is
cop: how did you know it was dave
[ups guy walks up] got an order for a human sized hamster wheel
Me: I’m so bored.
Dog: Have you considered running from window to window and barking at stuff outside?
Me: That’s the dumbest ide- OHMIGOD! *runs to window* The FedEx truck! *runs to other window* It might be my Amazon delivery! *runs to front door* IT’S TURNING UP OUR STREET!
DATE: I like your shirt.
ME: Well you can’t have it.
WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?
ME: Did Smurfette call them her bluebs?
WIFE: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’.
My kids are mad at me because I never unwrap the cheese slices in their sandwiches
*releases helium-filled heart balloon*
Me: You’re free now
Balloon: Ima choke a bird
Magician: I can make anything disappear
Tom: *holding cup* do it to my tea
Magician: *waves hand* done
om: *holding cup* it didn’t work
tried adderrall to help my productivity but now I’m just intensely aware of all the things I should be doing
My inability to pronounce Spanish names makes me sad, and I’m not even Jaoquin.
– Lads, I’ve driven all the snakes out of Ireland.
– Did we have snakes?
– Oh yes, thousands of em.
– I’ve never seen any sn…
– THOUSANDS!
I can never eat just one Christmas ornament
OK I GOT TO THE BOTTOM OF THIS WHOLE HILLARY EMAILS THING. TURNS OUT THEYRE LIKE A FAST KIND OF MAIL THAT GOES IN THE COMPUTER.
“people on the internet are so unhinged” no that’s just people in general, the internet is just how you find out
I don’t see the point of being a godmother if the kid refuses to kiss my ring. I mean, what the hell?
[Lab]
MONSTER: What is my name?
“We’ll call you…Frankenstein”
MONSTER: But that is your name
“Yeah, people won’t make a big deal of it”
saw a post the other day explaining how killer whales became the #1 predators of cows in Alaska. turns out cows love to eat the kelp churned up by rough seas. also turns out cows get hit by waves and washed out to sea.
also cows float. 😂🐄🦈
My wife: How does a summer road trip with the kids sound?
Me: Sounds like we had a good run.
“You’re free now” I say to my stomach as I unbutton my pants.
Your call is important to us. Please continue to hold until your battery is dead.
Treat your guests like family, so they don’t stay too long.
You know those lines you see painted on parking lots? I know this will come as a shock to some of you, but you’re supposed to park between them.
My favorite question is “are you a real person?” and the answer is no. I’m a sewer rat who discovered an old iphone and is now using it for nefarious purposes. Hope that settles that.
Judge: “How do you plead?”
Me: [looks at lawyer]
Lawyer: [mouths “not guilty”]
Me: “Hot milky”
Today in who needs an alarm: my kid woke me up early by scream-whispering WHAT IS DUST?
My 9-month-old ate part of her sister’s math worksheet and now we’re waiting to see if she passes algebra.
Do you know where mansplainers get their water from?
Well, actually…
New rule: no video games before the time you’d normallly get home from school. That’s going to work with the 17 year old, right?
Chunky peanut butter is just peanut butter that hasn’t quite reached its full potential. Be patient with it.
Enter a cafe. Ask to see the menu. Say, Have you got anything a mouse would like? When they say No, whisper into your sleeve & leave.
Should I buy a pizza? Heads I do, tales I ignore the coin.